


(It's Such A Wonderful Thing) To Love

by twoorangecookies



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn, Surprise Characters - Freeform, kim is a bi mess, kim is a musician, no powers, not tagged, tommy is a side character, trini is a bartender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 07:35:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 67,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15702738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoorangecookies/pseuds/twoorangecookies
Summary: Kimberly Hart once had an incredible drive for a dream, and when it crashed around her, she realized she had to find another path for her life. There was only one other thing that she wanted to do with herself. Play her music. So she decided to focus on that, and not worry about trying to conform to the world around her. It was that which brought her stumbling into a bar she had never been in before. It brought her stumbling into a beautiful, fiery bartender, who just might bring the world crashing around her again. In the best ways possible.ORAU with musician!Kimberly and bartender!Trini





	1. you look like gold to me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So long time fic writer here, but first time writing for this fandom. I've been intimidated by all the fantastic stories that already exist! This wasn't going to be the first fic I wrote here, and it was originally going to be a oneshot, but things happen. Trimberly happens. This first part is short, but it's only the start!
> 
> The pacing will be a little different here. This is going to be a slow burn fic, and instead of a lot of filler I'll be formatting to show the important parts. I've never done it this way before so bare with me if it gets choppy or awkward. I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. Please enjoy!
> 
> Story title from "Patritica" by Florence + The Machine. Chapter title from "Gold To Me" by Ben Harper. (This fic will contain lots of music.)
> 
> **Thank you to a dear friend who helped me out with bits of this chapter and over all ideas for the story. You know who you are!

_"I've been fooled before/_  
 _But now I know/_  
 _I've made the mistake in the past/_  
 _But now I know the difference/_  
 _From gold and brass_  "

* * *

 

**i. february**

 

Kimberly stepped through the heavy wooden door, the brass handle cold in her tightly gripped hand, and she stopped to look around the bar that she had never been in before. It felt warm and inviting; the walls were painted a deep brown, the booth benches were wooden with dark red fabric, and all the tables were the same dark wood. The bar top matched the tables, long and curved across the side of the bar, and the stools were covered in dark red fabric as well. In the far corner was a fireplace. It wasn't lit, but it still seemed to add something to the overall feel of the place. Kim had never walked into somewhere new and immediately felt...calm and welcome.

 

“Yo! Wanna quit letting the cold in?”

 

She was brought out of her little moment and looked to where she heard the voice. A small woman was standing behind the bar, one hand on her hip and the other pointing at the door that Kim still held open. “Oh!” She quickly moved forward and let the heavy door swing shut. “Sorry! I-sorry, I just-” She paused and licked her bottom lip. The angry looking bartender was extremely intimidating. And beautiful. But mostly intimidating. Or mostly beautiful? She wasn't sure which was more. Kim let herself breathe a moment to pull herself together. "This place is lovely,” she finally said, moving closer to the bar. The woman behind it smirked.

 

“I know. Whaddya want?”

 

Abrupt. To the point. Well, okay. Kim sat herself down on one of the stools and readjusted the army green sack on her back. She wasn't sure what she wanted to drink. That hadn't been her original reason for even entering the bar. But she was never not in the mood for a drink. “V-” she started, but was interrupted by the woman rolling her eyes and speaking up.

 

“Vodka and cranberry? Right, of course you're one of _those_.” She grabbed a glass from the shelf behind her and reached down for a bottle of vodka and the cranberry juice. Kimberly just watched with a frown on her face. What the hell had she meant by that? “You want a double?” The woman asked, mid-pour.

 

“O-okay.” She was still super intimidated, but she watched the woman work and let herself admire the vision before her. The bartender looked about Kim's age, 26, and she had beautiful, long brown hair that fell over her shoulders with a grey beanie on top. Her haunting brown eyes, in the seconds Kim was able to look at them – the woman kept her face down a lot – were hypnotic and almost soothing at the same time. She had deliciously plump lips and an endearing scowl; which was currently aimed at Kim herself. She blinked out of it and realized the drink was in front of her, and the woman was waiting for payment. “S-sorry.” Fuck, what was with the stuttering? She quickly pulled her wallet from her bag and counted out some cash plus extra. “Is this enough?”

 

The bartender took it, counted it out, and nodded. “We're square.” She started to turn to leave, but Kim stopped her.

 

“Wait!” She hadn't meant to sound so desperate, and the woman turned back to her looking...amused? She simply raised an eyebrow in question. “I came in here to ask if...well, do you ever have an open mic night or anything?”

 

The woman crossed her arms. They were covered in a dark yellow flannel, open to reveal a Nine Inch Nails shirt, and below that a deliciously tight pair of jeans. Kim realized she was staring again and brought herself back to what the brunette was saying. “Not typically. People aren't so much about the live music here as much as meeting other women who love women.”

 

Kim's brow went up and she turned around to look around again. Eventually her gaze landed back on the bartender. “This...is a gay bar?”

 

“You're serious?” Now the bartender laughed (and to Kim it was a beautiful sound) as she pointed at the sign over her head. “Did you even read the name?”

 

No, she hadn't, she was too busy staring, but she didn't want to admit it. She read it now and her words got lost in her throat. _Sapphically._ Right. That she should have realized. “It's a good name,” she squeaked out.

 

“Thanks. I like it.”

 

“Did...did you name it?” Kim finally took a long sip of her drink, and it was strong. She coughed slightly.

 

“Only fitting the owner names it.” The woman grabbed another glass and filled it with water to pass over to Kimberly.

 

“You-you're the owner?” That surprised Kim. Mostly because she struggled daily to be an adult, and here this woman owned her own bar. And it was a little delayed, but that led Kim to ask herself silently if that meant the bartender was gay, too. She pushed that thought away quickly. She did not need to become a bi mess over a woman she had known for five minutes.

 

“Yep. Five years.” She sounded proud over that, and Kim couldn't blame her. It was awesome.

 

“Awesome.” Was all she could say. Did that mean the woman was older than her? She had to be. Kim sipped her water before taking another sip of her drink as she thought about that, and she was prepared that time so it went down smooth. She cleared her throat. “Um...can I ask you, what's your name?”

 

“Sure you can, Princess, but I might not tell you.” Again, the woman was smirking, and this time Kim was pretty sure she was amused by the conversation. So Kim smirked back and tilted her head.

 

“I might have to make something up otherwise...Didi?”

 

“Oh my god, no!” The woman made a face, and was it Kim's imagination that she was flushing? “Okay. Never call me that.” She emphasized her words by hitting her white towel against the bar top with each word. She let out a sigh and threw the towel back over her shoulder. “It's Trini.”

 

New perfect name in Kim's eyes. She smiled. “Trini....I'm Kim. It's nice to meet you.” Like a dork, she held her hand out across the bar top. It took a moment of Trini staring at her hand before she reached across and shook it firmly. Kim admired that as well.

 

“You gonna be one of those people who wants to talk to the bartender the whole time they're drinking?” A sleek brow raised with the question.

 

“No. I figure the more I befriend and charm you the more likely you'll be to pay me to play some music here.” Did Kim really waggle her eyebrows? Yes. Yes, she did. And it made Trini laugh. A real, honest, cover-her-mouth-with-her-hand laugh.

 

“You're still on that?” Trini leaned her hands to the bar top. :Look, I don't think I've got the budget for that. I mean, yeah this place gets hoppin', but...I've got bills.” She at least looked apologetic as she said it.

 

Kim figured that would be the answer, and despite a disappointed sigh, she nodded and smiled. “It's okay. Do you know any other places that would? Not gonna say I'm desperate, but it's all I've got right now.”

 

Trini tilted her head to the side. “I don't know, but I might know someone that can get you a job.”

 

That was a generous offer to a stranger, and Kim wasn't sure why Trini would help like that, but she didn't want a normal job. She never had. She'd wanted to play music for as long as she could rememeber. Well, that and swim, but she lost that chance a long time ago. “That's really sweet, but that's kinda my last resort. I'll let you know if I get there.” She noticed Trini was chuckling silently and it made her lips curl up. “What?”

 

“People don't normally call me sweet is all.” She pushed off the bar when another customer walked up, and she helped them before returning to Kim. At that point Kim let the comment go and just finished off her drink. “Another?”

 

“Nah, I think that's all I can afford tonight.”

 

Reaching for the glass, Trini raised a shoulder to shrug it. “On the house. But you gotta play something for me some time.”

 

“I can do that.” Kim swung her bag around into her lap and reached in to pull out her ukulele. “Any requests?”

 

Trini turned around, having had her back to Kim for a moment, and she smirked. “Carrying that around just in case?”

 

“Usually do. Easier than lugging my guitar around.” She pushed the stool back slightly and held the instrument against herself.

 

“Just...surprise me.” Trini placed the drink down in front of Kim, then leaned her hands to the bar again to rest.

 

Kim took a moment, a deep breath, and started strumming and soon singing. She played a slowed down version of “Valerie” by Amy Winehouse. It was such a familiar, homey-feeling song that, as always, she got completely lost in it. Eyes closed, she sang her heart out as though auditioning for American Idol, and it even took her a moment after the final note to come out of it and open her eyes. The first thing she saw was Trini staring at her, mouth gaped open, and forearms pressed to the bar top. Trini only blinked slowly (and were her cheeks flushed again or was that Kim's imagination?). Kim worried that maybe the other woman didn't like her song, but finally Trini closed her mouth and stood up quickly, crossing her arms.

 

“That was...um, yeah, really good. You're...good.”

 

“Thanks...” Kim actually blushed at the compliment, despite sometimes being over confident in herself. It felt really, really nice to hear Trini praise her, and she wasn't sure why that was. The awkward silence started to get to her though, and she started to talk at random. “My parents love that song so, like, I grew up with it and learned it for them, but I love it, too. So I guess I also learned it for myself.....usually I perform on guitar though. I just use this to-”

 

“Kim, stop talking,” Trini said dryly.

 

“Kay.” She just stared at Trini who stared back into her eyes. There was something unreadable in her eyes – wasn't everything? – and Kim felt her heart pound in anticipation. Of something.

 

It took a few more minutes, but finally Trini cleared her throat. “Look. You can play here a couple nights and I'll pay you in drinks. If you can draw more people in, which I think you definitely can, we can talk about cash payment. That work for you?”

 

Kimberly perked up, a smile spreading on her face. “Yes! That works for me a lot. A lot, a lot.”

 

“Good. Tomorrow night? Thursdays get slightly more busy around here. Can't say we're ever slammin'.”

 

“Well, I'll help with that,” Kim said confidently, slightly cocky, and she reached for her new drink. “This time next month you will be... _slammin'_.”

 

Trini actually laughed at the slight impersonation, and she shook her head. “A'ight...we'll see about that, Princess.”

 

“What makes you think I'm a princess?”

 

“Just a feeling, I guess.”

 

“I don't think I like it.” Kim narrowed her eyes, mostly playfully.

 

“I think you do,” Trini retorted.

 

“Is this how you talk to all your new customers?”

 

Trini snorted and started to walk away again. “What makes you think I talk to all my new customers?”

 

That made Kim's ears go pink, and she was glad Trini was busy with another customer and couldn't see. She was happy over the arrangement they had decided on, but she had a feeling deep down that the whole thing was dangerous. Trini was dangerous; beautiful and dangerous. And Kim was bi. She chugged the rest of the glass. So very, incredibly bi.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. i want to hold your hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for some reason this chapter was a real struggle for me. Probably just being tired and stuff, and putting in all the content I wanted for the chapter. I hope it reads well, and I hope you like it! Chapter title and quote from I Want To Hold Your Hand (cover) by T.V. Carpio
> 
>  
> 
> **Thank you to Jagfan28 for reminding me "oh yeah use a tip jar" appreciate that!

_"now let me hold your hand  
_ _i want to hold your hand  
_ _and when i touch you  
_ _i feel happy inside"_

 

* * *

 

ii.  **march**

 

For the past month Kim had played two half hour sets every Thursday at Sapphically, and she had never felt more alive, as cheesy as it was. Performing, hearing people being receptive of her music, and most of all being around Trini, sealed Kim up in a pocket of happiness that she couldn't shake. She didn't want to shake it. It was that fresh feeling of dawn when you meet someone new that you just can't wait to be around again mixed with accomplishment in something that she worked so hard on. It was all exhilarating. She would also be a liar if she said she didn't show up at the bar on other nights of the week as well. Trini was a magnet and Kim the willing metal that couldn't resist the pull.

 

She was happy.

 

“What's with the dopey smile?”

 

Kim turned and looked at the man that sat a stool away from her. He had black, short hair with equally dark, almond shaped eyes, and a knowing smirk rested on his lips. She thinned her lips out and rolled her eyes. “What do you want, Zack?” He was a face she had become familiar with over the last month, always sitting in the same spot at the bar as he slowly drank the night away. She didn't know all that much about him. They traded light conversation a few times, and he had hit on her the first night he saw her in there, but she had quickly shot him down. (And had looked quickly to see if Trini had seen, because god she didn't want the other woman to think anything of it.)

 

Zack moved from his unofficial throne onto the stool beside Kim. “Friendly conversation?” His smile was almost charming, but Kim still wasn't sure she trusted him.

 

“Okay, how about this?” She swiveled her body to him. “Why do you come here? Almost every night I come in, I see you here. You know this is a gay bar, right?”

 

“Yeah, I know. You think I need to hit on women to have a good time?” To his credit he looked a bit offended. “I know Trini. Since we were kids in high school.”

 

“Really?” She glanced over her shoulder to the woman in question then back again.

 

“Really. She's my best lesbro. And I work here sometimes.”

 

“How have I been coming here a month and not known you work here?” Kim wondered if she was really that single-sighted when it came to being in the bar. Okay, probably so.

 

“I usually wash dishes or help her with the bills.”

 

“You good at that stuff?”

 

“Wouldn't that be stereotypical of me?” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “Nah, I'm not the best, but I did my mom's and mine for a long time, and I've helped Trini with hers for-” He stopped, liked he suddenly realized it wasn't his to say, so he cleared his throat. “Anyway, two of us put our heads together and work it out.”

 

“Sounds like a you're a good friend to her.”

 

“I try to be. What about you? Getting friendly with our little Trini?” That smirk was back, and Kim didn't know what it meant, but it made her uneasy.

 

“A little, I think. It's...kind of hard to tell with her.”

 

“Oh, I know. But I don't think you have to worry. She wouldn't have agreed to let you play here if she didn't see something in you to trust, and getting her trust is half the battle,” he explained.

 

“Really?” Kim's eyebrows scrunched together as she thought that over. It was true, Trini was obviously the type to hold everything close to her chest, and her quiet, short spoken self had only slightly warmed up to Kim more. Which suddenly caused Kim to feel slightly queasy when she realized they were starting a questionable topic. Despite wanting to know so much more about the shorter woman, Kim knew talking to Zack wasn't the right way. “Let's...change the subject.”

 

“Okay,” he nodded. “Why do _you_ come in here all the time?” He was grinning.

 

“I perform here. And...and it's a cool place. I like it.” She felt defensive suddenly, almost like he could see through her and she had to protect herself.

 

“Sure you do.” He winked. What was that? Kim shook her head and took another sip of her drink. “You're good, you know. Your music and voice.”

 

“Please don't hit on me again. It's not gonna happen.”

 

He laughed loudly, and his whole face seemed to light up with his laughter. It was endearing. “Not hitting on you. Trust me. Can't you take a compliment?”

 

“Of course I can.” Her chin raised up slightly. “But I know I'm good, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it, would I?”

 

“Cocky, too? I like you, Kimberly.” He raised his beer to her.

 

“Thank you, Zachary.” She raised her glass and clinked with his bottle. Then her phone went off. She cursed, knowing the ring tone, and pulled it from her pocket. Her parents' faces showed on the screen, smiling up at her, and she hopped down. “Don't touch my drink.” She narrowed her eyes to show she meant it before taking her phone to the back room, which Trini had told her she had full access to. She knew they wanted to check in on her performance as they did every Thursday night, and while most might roll their eyes at it, she loved it. They had a great relationship and she knew she wouldn't be anywhere without them. “Hey, Mom,” she said in greeting. “Yeah, yeah it was really good...”

 

Kim had just ended the call a little while later when Trini stepped into the room. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, wearing that yellow flannel as always, and Kim just smiled at the sight. She was so beautiful and it always sent flutters through her heart and gut. She felt like sparks could come off herself at any moment.

 

“Your parents?” That cool, raspy voice asked.

 

“Yep. Checking in. Taking a break?” When Trini nodded Kim moved over on the small couch and patted the spot beside her. Trini let her lips curl up, only slightly, and moved over to sit beside her. “How's business doing tonight?”

 

“It's good,” Trini nodded again. “Real good. I think people are coming in more to see you, so really I've got you to thank.”

 

“You know you don't have to thank me,” Kim argued. “I told you that.”

 

“I know, but it's true,” Trini said. The smile on Kim's lips went shy and she looked down. “Looked like you and Zack were havin' a good talk.” Kim looked up and saw that Trini's gaze had shifted across the room and her eyes were darting around.

 

“Yeah. He's not so bad.”

 

“He's not,” Trini agreed. “What...what were you talking about?

 

“Nothing important. Him working here and stuff.”

 

“That all?”

 

“Mhmm.” Kim continued to study Trini and the woman looked so uneasy. “He didn't have much else to say,” Kim assured. Trini nodded, but still didn't relax. So Kim left it. She fell quiet, unsure what to say next. After a bit it was Trini who spoke up next.

 

“You're close to your parents, huh?”

 

“I am. We've had our moments, but they've always been pretty great,” Kim said. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to talk about it, because there were things she always had trouble revealing to people, and she was protective of her family. “What about you?” If possible, Trini became more stiff.

 

“I'm, uh...not really ready to talk about that.” She looked over at Kim finally and there was a modicum of fear in her eyes. “You promise Zack didn't say anything else?”

 

“I promise, Trini.” Kim smiled softly with her words and held up a fist with her pinkie sticking out. Trini looked down at it then back up at Kim as if to ask 'really?', but then she reached out and linked her own pinkie with Kim's. “I wanna learn about you from you, not from anyone else,” Kim added to her promise. And it was true. As desperate as she was to learn just who Trini was, she could wait. She let their hands fall to their legs, pinkies still linked, and she watched Trini's gaze fall to watch their hands.

 

“Did I tell you you were amazing tonight?” Trini asked softly. “Because you were.”

 

That was the only validation Kim really needed. She bit her smiling lip. “Thank you.” God, she wanted to take the leap and ask Trini on a date, but she was scared. She wasn't used to that. Usually if there was something she wanted she went for it, but Trini was different. Around Trini _Kim_ was different, and Kim couldn't decide if she liked it or not.

 

* * *

 

“Jason Scott, if you embarrass me in there, I will punch your lights out. And we both remember tenth grade, so don't try me.” Kim had her best friend by the scruff of his neck just outside the bar and she was glaring fire into his eyes. Jason knew better than to try and pull away.

 

“Kimberly Ann-” He stopped when she gripped his shirt tighter and he decided to skip the full name. “Kim. I'm not going to do anything. I just want to see you perform...and I want to see the girl you won't shut up about.” He said the last part with a grin before getting pushed down onto the sidewalk. He huffed and got to his feet as he brushed himself off.

 

“I'm not even kidding, J. Don't.”

 

He held his hands up. “Okay, okay. I'm just here to see you.”

 

Kim pointed a warning finger in his face and turned to grab the door and pull it open. Like always, she felt her nerves perk up the second she stepped inside and smelled the familiar scent of the bar. It was something she had gotten used to, and something she craved more and more, because that scent always meant that not far away was-

 

“Already got a big crowd for ya, Princess. Hope you're ready.” Trini appeared at her side with that adorable smirk on her lips and a tray balancing on one of her hands full of beers and cocktails.

 

“So busy they got you out from behind the bar,” Kim added.

 

“Zack and Danny got that covered tonight.”

 

“You are so going to be shut down one of these days.” Kim shook her head as she looked over at Zack and Trini's brother behind the bar.

 

“He's only a couple years to twenty-one, and he looks like he is already.” Trini's denial wasn't good for the bar, and Kim reminded herself to bring it up again another time. At the moment, Trini had stiffened when she finally noticed Jason standing awkwardly at Kim's side. The short woman stood taller, straightening her back, and she spoke tighter. “I should take these.”

 

“But wait, I want you to meet-” Kim tried, but Trini was already gone. She frowned. What the hell was that about?

 

“Don't think she likes me too much,” Jason said beside her.

 

“Ugh, who does?” She continued into the bar and left him to catch up. “I've gotta go get ready. Try not to get into any brawls, some of the ladies could do serious damage.” She gave him a tilted head smirk over her shoulder.

 

“One time. That was one time!”

 

She gave him a half wave in response and headed to the back. There wasn't much she needed to do to get ready, but she always liked a bit of peace before going on. She settled down on the couch and laid out her guitar case.

 

“Hey, it's Kimmy!” Kim looked up in time to see Zack pass by the open door with a rack of clean glasses from the kitchen, and he was gone before she could say anything to him. She smiled to herself and leaned down to take out her guitar. She brought it to her lap to check that it was in tune, and while she did she felt Trini's presence in the room as the woman came in and sat beside her. Kim looked over and Trini looked agitated so she stopped tuning. “You okay?” She asked gently.

 

“Uh...yeah. Yeah. Fine.” Trini was playing with her fingers in her lap and staring at them, and Kim knew that was a lie. Not even a very good one. What was going on with her?

 

“You sure? You know you can talk to me. We're...friends, right?” Sometimes Kim wasn't sure, and she couldn't help the brief opportunity to ask.

 

“Sure...I mean, yeah. We are.” Trini said the last part more firmly, but she still wouldn't look up so Kim reached over and placed a hand over the other woman's to still them. Trini jumped. “I gotta get back,” she said sharply before getting up and running out. Kim sat back with a frown. She really wanted to go after her and find out what the hell was going on, but she didn't have time. She went back to tuning and went through a quick warm up, her mind on Trini the whole time.

 

Sapphically didn't have a stage so Kim's performance space was a stool against one wall with a microphone and amp. The tables closest to her were moved away on Thursday nights so she wouldn't have people on top of her. Her first half hour went well. She performed her song list and people seemed to like her. She nearly melted in the audience's positive reaction and their applause (and even in Zack's booming “ _Sang it_ , Kimmy!”). When she stopped for her break she had several women at her side telling her how great she was, and several more offering her their numbers or to buy her a drink. If it had been any other time she would be all over all of it, but her pounding heart had her gaze sweeping the room for one person only.

 

She saw Trini standing by the opening of the bar, leaning to the bar top, and she was smiling at her. Kim liked to think smiling _just for_ her, but she knew it wasn't like that. She gave a shy wave before taking her guitar back to rest in its case, and when she returned she saw Trini in the same spot. Kim wanted to believe she was waiting for her. So she moved to go over there, but was immediately deterred by familiar arms wrapping around her and lifting her off the floor.

 

“That was amazing!” Jason cheered, hugging her tight.

 

“Oh my god, you doofus, put me down!” She started laughing despite herself, because she couldn't be mad at more praise, especially from one of her favorite people on earth. He did put her down, but he didn't move his arms from around her waist.

 

“I haven't seen you in your element in so long. I forgot how great you are.” One hand came up to muss her hair. “The Moms would be freaking amazed, you know that.”

 

“Yeah yeah yeah...” She yanked his hand from her head and shoved him back slightly so he'd let go. “They keep begging me to let them come one night, but they'd be worse than you.”

 

“Definitely. But you know that's their job.”

 

“Mhmm. Look, I'm gonna get some water. Why don't you-”

 

“Get lost?” He smirked. “Need to find your pretty bartender?”

 

Kim flushed and swatted at his arm. “She's not _my_ bartender. Shuddup.”

 

“If you say so. It's cool, I met some people that I've been talking to, so I'll go back over there. Come find me whenever.” He still had a teasing look in his eyes, but he backed away from her and walked off.

 

Immediately she searched for Trini again, and this time she saw her arguing with Zack – yelling at him even – and Zack stood there wincing away from her. Kim didn't know what that was about so she decided to leave them alone. She went to Danny instead to get her water and she took it into the back to sit on the couch and put her feet up.

 

“Yo. Kimmy.” Kim was startled awake by the voice and she looked up to see Zack leaning into the room. “It's time for you to go on again.”

 

“Oh. Didn't realize I fell asleep.” She sat up and looked at him again, scratching her head. “Hey. You and Trini okay? I saw you guys...fighting?”

 

Zack looked down before looking back up. For maybe the first time he wasn't smirking or smiling. “Don't worry about it. I pissed her off and she went off on me. Wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.” It was then that he did smile, but that smile didn't reassure Kim. “Though...I think your boyfriend is getting kinda flirty with some girl out there...” His smile started to fade as he broke the news, but all Kim could do was stare. Then laugh.

 

“Jason isn't my boyfriend!”

 

“He's...not?”

 

“No, he's my best friend. I'm sorry, I hadn't gotten a chance to really introduce him to you guys yet. It's been so busy.” Kim grabbed her guitar and stood up. “ _Boyfriend_ ,” she muttered to herself.

 

“Ummm...I gotta...goooo,” he strung out his words, holding a thumb pointed over his shoulder. “Yeah. Bye.” He turned and darted off before she could even say goodbye. He was weird. Why had everyone been acting so _weird_ that night? She shrugged it away and went out to do her last set.

 

It wasn't until the doors were locked that Kim was able to peg Trini down in one place, and she dragged Jason over. Trini looked up at the two of them like a deer caught in headlights, but Kim ignored it. “Trini, I'd like you to meet _my Zack_. Jason, this is Trini.”

 

“It's really nice to meet you, Trini. Your bar is great.” Jason reached out a hand to her, but Trini just stared at it silently before looking up at Kim with question in her eyes. Jason sighed and ran his hand through his hair instead. He took a step back.

 

“Kim, I'm gonna wait for you outside, okay?”

 

“Okay,” she murmured, her eyes still on Trini, who had since cast her gaze to the floor. Kim just really wanted to know what was wrong. She couldn't help it. One, she was a persistent asshole sometimes, but two, she was freaking worried and confused. Had something happened in Trini's life to put her in such an odd mood? Kim waited until Jason was out of earshot to grab onto the edge of Trini's flannel. “Hey,” she said, her voice still soft. They were standing close. Close enough that Kim could smell whatever soap or lotion Trini used daily, a scent Kim had already grown accustomed to and loved, and close enough that she caught the sharp breath Trini sucked in. She didn't entirely mean to, but she gripped the shirt a little tighter and pulled Trini in a little closer, and her knuckles brushed gently against Trini's ribs. The closeness, the intimacy of the moment, made Kim brave enough to continue softly stroking the spot with her knuckles. Trini was gnawing on her bottom lip with her eyes still downcast. “Talk to me?” Kim tried one final time. She didn't like that her voice came out a little desperate, a little needy. Trini finally looked up, and when she did her lips were pressed thin and her eyes gave a steely glare.

 

“I told you, I'm _fine_.” She tugged Kim's hand from her shirt. “Drop it and go home.” Trini pushed Kim back, gently at least, and slipped away.

 

“Tri-” She started to go after her, but Zack's voice stopped her.

 

“She'll be fine. Go home.” And his words were chilled slightly, and Kim felt it odd coming from his lips. She finally relented. She nodded and gave him a small smile as she bid him a good night and went to find Jason. She had a good feeling she'd be getting very drunk when she got home.

 

**iii. may**

 

The next time Kim had seen Trini, after the night Jason had first come to the bar, Trini was back to normal and acted as though nothing had happened. She also shut down any chance to talk about it, and Kim eventually gave up. She let it go with the theory that Trini had just had a bad night and that was all it was. Everything went back to normal, as awkward as that normal was. The weeks flew by and at one point Trini was finally able to start paying Kim. It wasn't much, but between that and the tip jar Trini had decided to set up for Kim, she was able to get her groceries for the week. She was lucky in that her parents insisted on helping pay her rent and other bills. She gave up trying to fight it a long time before and she knew just how lucky she was to have them.

 

Spring in San Francisco was one of Kim's favorite things. It was still cool, but the sun shone, and the world started to come back to life. It always cheered her up. It helped that she and Trini were truly becoming friends, and despite the torture of having a crush on her new friend Kim was loving it. It had been such a long time since she had somewhere she felt she belonged and the bar had become that place. It helped fill the emptiness she always carried about being away from home. And truthfully, she had moments where she thought that maybe, just maybe, Trini had feelings for her in return. It was hard to tell with the closed-off woman, but there were moments that Kim simply felt it. In a way though, it almost helped that they were friends, because at least she was still getting close to Trini. She still got to spend time with Trini, and she wasn't quite as much of a bumbling fool around her. Not that she still wasn't. She couldn't help it. It was _Trini_. There were times she wanted to do something about it, make a move, because in the past she wouldn't have even paused. In the past she always went for what she wanted with a stubborn sureness. This was different though. She knew, without a doubt, that trying and being denied could ruin her. She was that far gone already. And Trini...Trini was like a wild deer...no, a baby deer. As though any quick movement, any unexpected sound, could send her flying through the woods. Kim didn't want to scare her. She didn't want to be a hunter after its prey, because Trini, with her big doe eyes, deserved so much more than that. Barely months they had known one another and already Kim knew that. She saw it every day in the way Trini cared about her business, and how she cared about Zack, and even more how she cared for her twin brothers who dropped in from time to time. Trini could be mistaken for something cold and fierce, and while she definitely could be that, she was a nurturer above all else. And that called to Kim more and more each day, and she fell harder with it. But she had to accept that maybe they were meant to simply be friends, and maybe one day she would get over Trini and move on. Maybe.

 

“I don't understand. If you like Trini so much, and you think she might like you, then why can't you tell her? Doesn't it mean you're lying if you don't?”

 

Kim looked up from her notes where she was jotting down a new song on the floor, one leg folded under herself and one stretched in front, and she looked across the living room at Billy, Jason's boyfriend. She must have been staring, perplexed, because Jason looked up from his spot on the couch to Billy in the arm chair and he spoke up instead.

 

“It's not really as simple as that. Kim doesn't know how Trini feels, and it can be really scary to tell a friend that you have those kinds of feelings for them. Especially if there's a chance they'll say they don't feel the same.”

 

Billy frowned. “But I told you and it worked out okay.” That made Jason smile, but Kim sat up on the floor with a groan.

 

“Not everyone can be perfect like the two of you,” she said. “Listen B, I know you mean well and you're trying to help, but I really don't need to talk about it. Like Doofus said, I don't know how she feels.”

 

“Yeah, but if you ask her-”

 

“I could get my heart and soul ripped from my body and shredded onto the floor,” she said dramatically.

 

“I don't think that's-”

 

“I know it's not possible.” Kim shifted and wrapped her arms around her folded legs. “I'm not ready. Okay?”

 

“Oh. Okay. Why didn't you say so?”

 

“Yeah, Kim,” Jason smirked. “Why didn't you say so? In all your woe-is-me moaning.” He shot a pillow across the room and it hit her in the head before she could duck.

 

“I don't woe-is-me moan!” She threw it back, and in his efforts to dodge it, Jason sent it flying to smack Billy in the side of the head.

 

“That was uncalled for,” Billy said, eyes not leaving his book.

 

“Sorry Billy!” They chorused. And then Kimbery's phone beeped.

 

**bartender beauty: I want donuts. Wanna come?**

 

Excitement spread through Kim and she gave a slight screech when she read it. It was something they had done a handful of times before, but it still made her happy in a special kind of way. It made her feel special, because Trini could invite anyone for donuts and yet asked her.

 

“It's donut time!” She shouted out, throwing her hands in the air in victory. She jumped to her feet and started to dance.

 

“Whaaat?” Billy put his papers down and got up with her, starting a dorky dance while waving his arms.

 

“Donut time, it's donut time. It's donut time, donut time,” Kim started to sing, and Billy quickly joined in. Jason just stared at the pair like they had lost their minds, and he gave it a few more moments before interrupting them.

 

“Have you actually...responded to her yet?” He asked.

 

“Oh shi-” She clamped her mouth shut before she finished the word and quickly sent Trini a reply that she could meet her there in a half hour. She needed to get ready. No way could she just run off in what she was wearing.

 

“Donut time, it's donut time...” Billy was still dancing.

 

* * *

 

True to her word, Kim showed up at the Krispy Kreme a half hour later. She found Trini waiting out front, and in addition to her usual outfit of jeans, tee shirt, and yellow flannel, she was also wearing a bomber jacket. She looked good. Really good. Kim smoothed out her own pink shirt and leather jacket, and approached Trini with her hands in her pockets.

 

“Hey,” she said.

 

Trini turned and actually smiled at her as she stepped closer. “Hey.” They stood there staring at each other for several beats before Trini cleared her throat and motioned to the door. Kim nodded and followed her inside. They quickly got their orders and found a table away from other people and sat down. “Thanks for coming with me.”

 

“Thanks for inviting me. I was working on a song and hit a major wall so I think I needed this.”

 

“Yeah? What's the new song about?”

 

Kim could feel her face flush and she looked down into her coffee. “Ah, you know, mushy romantic stuff. It's what people like.”

 

Trini snorted. “Not all people.”

 

“What? Not you?” Kim wrinkled her nose with a smile and looked across at her friend.

 

“I just mean...not every song has to be about love.”

 

“Okay, what kind of song do you think I should write?”

 

“Mmm,” Trini chewed on her donut. “Donuts.”

 

“Already done that,” Kim laughed, thinking about earlier with Billy. “I'll play it for you sometime.”

 

“Good. I like when you play.”

 

“Do you?” All of Kim's insides melted at that, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to get up and walk away. Trini seemed to be surprised she had said that, because she stared wide-eyed for a moment, then shrugged.

 

“Sure, you're good.”

 

“Thank you.” Kim decided to not push that any further. She concentrated on her donuts for a bit and they both enjoyed the comfortable silence between them. Until-

 

“So did you always wanna play music or something?”

 

Kim faltered, donut halfway to her mouth and frozen, and she lost any thought of what to say. She hadn't expected that conversation to pop up already. And while it was an easy answer she couldn't voice it. She knew she could easily lie, or divert the conversation, but a part of her wanted Trini to know her. Know all of her. And a part didn't want Trini to know the bad stuff, because what if Trini hated her for her? What if it turned her off? The word 'pass' was on the tip of her tongue, but Trini must have seen the glazed, scared look in her eyes because she said quickly-

 

“We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

 

That snapped Kim back to the present moment and she set her half-eaten donut down on her napkin then looked up into Trini's eyes. They held eye contact for a few beats before Kim glanced down. “N-no...I want to tell you. It's just...hard?”

 

“I get that...believe me I get it,” Trini replied gently. And the next thing Kim knew, Trini's hand had slowly crossed the table and covered her own. If not for the freak out she was already having, she would have had another over that contact. However, she instead took a breath and let it out and looked up at the woman that made her heart pound like no other.

 

“I used to want to be a professional swimmer,” she started slowly, her voice breaking a bit. Her gaze fell again as she found it harder to look at Trini as she told the woman her story. “I wanted to go to the Olympics and everything. When I was little I could swim for hours. My M-my parents used to call me a mermaid and say if I wasn't careful I'd grow fins.” She smiled at that memory, and she didn't see the way Trini smiled, too.

 

“So cut to high school. I was on the swim team and I was the number one swimmer on the team. Won nearly every competition I was in. My best friend since pre-school, Amanda, was the number two, and we were both super competitive. I was kinda bitchy to her at times, and she resented me at times, but we still tried to keep our friendship going. We were in our Senior year and things were pretty rocky. I spent more and more time with Jason, because that friendship was easier, and she hated that. He lived next door to me, and we'd always been kinda close because of that. He spent a lot of time at my house, because he had problems with his dad.” She paused, realizing she'd gone off on another track. She felt Trini squeeze her hand and smiled that it was still there.

 

“I was dating this complete creep named Ty, and unbeknownst to me, Amanda started to sleep with him. Then one day at swim practice, we'd already been talking about college recruiters and Coach told me I'd have my pick of them, but he got tipped off anonymously that someone on the team was doing drugs. So he had a locker raid. We had a zero tolerance policy on all the teams, and anyone found with drugs was immediately booted. We all got caught up in the excitement of who it could be, and it took me a minute to realize the bottle Coach was holding up came from my locker.” She felt Trini squeeze her hand tighter and gasp.

 

“I tried telling him that it wasn't mine, that someone must have put it there, but he didn't want to hear it. I was kicked off the team with no shot of swimming in college, and Amanda was bumped to number one. I had a suspicion right away that she had done it, but I still couldn't separate who she had become with the girl I grew up with. Then later that same day, Ty broke up with me. He told me he'd been sleeping with Amanda and that he couldn't have a girlfriend who did drugs, even though he obviously knew I didn't. So I...”

 

Kim took a deep breath and looked up at Trini who was looking back reassuringly. Kim's thumb stretched up and rubbed the side of Trini's hand, and then they were locking their fingers together. Kim blushed at that, but nodded and continued. “I had this picture. Of Amanda. A...racy picture. I sent it to Ty with the words 'Is this the girl you want to bring home to your mother?'. I didn't know that he would send it to the entire school.” She stopped again and looked away over her shoulder. It didn't get easier over time, accepting what she had done.

 

“I was just so pissed off, you know? She ruined my chances at my dream...all because she couldn't handle being number two to me, and because of some stupid drugs I never took. Before Ty could send out the picture I saw Amanda at school, and it was the first time I'd seen her since the locker room, and something came over me...I jumped on her and started hitting her. They had to pry me off,” she chuckled darkly, licking her lips. “I got suspended for two weeks, then had Saturday detention for the rest of the year.”

 

“Was it worth it?” Trini finally spoke.

 

Kim smirked. “At the time? Oh yeah. So worth it. Now? I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't sent that picture, beat her up...I could have handled it all better and maybe fought for my rightful place on the team, but I let it get me down. I-” She looked down at the table, shook her head, and said, “Yeah, so, music hasn't always been my number one, but it's always been there. So I'm sticking with it.”

 

Trini rubbed her thumb against the back of Kim's hand, and it sent shivers down Kim's spine and clouded up her head. “Do you still swim?”

 

Kim frowned and shook her head once. “No.” Trini seemed to accept the short answer, because she fell silent afterwards. The silence went on long enough that Kim started to get paranoid. She had battled a feeling of self worth since high school due to her actions, and always had to question if she was a bad person for it. Usually she told herself she was. “Do...do you hate me now?” Her voice was small, child-like. Trini reached across the table with her free hand and tipped Kim's chin up so their eyes could meet again.

 

“Not even a little bit, Princess.”

 


	3. i'll keep waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I got distracted by an angst piece and had to get it out of my system (yes it's trimberly if you wanna go read it). Now that I have! A little more angst! And a lot of not angst!
> 
> Content warning: talk of death, homopobia/d*ke slander
> 
> Chapter title and quotes from Distance by Christina Perri
> 
> For the song in the fic, I couldn't find just the one I wanted to use so I wrote my own lyrics. They're shitty, I apologize.

 

 _"please don't stand so close to me_  
_I'm having trouble breathing_  
_I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now_ " **  
**

* * *

 

**iii. may: continued**

 

“Can I ask you a couple questions?”

 

Kim looked up from her cup of coffee – was it her third? Her fourth? She didn't know, but she didn't want to stop if it meant the donut session would end – and she felt a stroke of fear run through her body. After her story, Trini could want to know just about anything about it, and Kim didn't know if she could handle talking about it much more. For Trini though, she would try.

 

“Okay,” she nodded. Trini had since taken her hand back and both were folded together on top of the table. Trini had a thoughtful look in her eyes, which were focused over Kim's shoulder and out the window. She kept them there as she spoke again.

 

“Why _didn't_ you fight it? Why'd you let your spot get taken like that? You could have demanded a drug test or something to show them the drugs weren't yours.”

 

“Um...” She should have expected that. It was a question she beat herself up with a lot over the years, and something Jason never let go of. She cleared her throat to stall a moment. “One, I don't know if it would have mattered...the policy was if you're caught in possession of drugs you're out. But maybe it would have changed things...Honestly? I was a mess and I gave up. I was an angry, resentful teenager. I was used to having everything I wanted, and growing up I was definitely a spoiled princess. My parents made sure of it. But when my whole life went off the tracks I couldn't deal. I refused any ideas my parents had at getting me back on the swim team. I told them I didn't care about it, and I told them that if the team didn't want me then I didn't want them. I cut my hair, started wearing more black and a leather jacket...” She smirked at the memory of who she had tried to be then. “I guess the style didn't change much.” She pointed down at her leather jacket then shrugged. Kim looked to Trini to see maybe what she was thinking, and she watched Trini stare at her hands and process it all before looking up again.

 

“Okay,” she nodded.

 

Kim took a deep breath and nodded back. “Was there another question?” She kind of hated that she wanted to connect to Trini so badly, and already felt kind of safe with the woman, because she otherwise would have ended the conversation long before.

 

“Yeah...why'd you have a racy pic of that Amanda bitch?”

 

That made Kim laugh softly. She picked up her coffee cup and took a slow sip of the now lukewarm drink, and she set it back down with her hands still wrapped around it. “Because we....kinda had some benefits going for a little while.” Kim glanced up and saw Trini's brows sky rocket. Had Trini not realized she was bisexual? She definitely looked surprised by the admission. “Is...is that a problem?” Could it be? Wasn't Trini gay? Then Kim was racking her brain and trying to recall if Trini or anyone else had mentioned Trini being gay. Oh God, what if she was straight?! Then Kim would never have a shot! If she even had one to begin with-

 

“Why would it be a problem? I'm a lesbian and I own a gay bar...” Trini said dryly. “My problem is... _her_? Really?”

 

“I know, I know...but I was trying things out...I knew I was bi from a really young age, but I never kissed a girl or anything. So we occasionally messed around. I think she was just having fun and enjoyed getting in my head, but anyway, she sent me the picture one night and I kept it. I don't even know why. I knew, even then, that I didn't have feelings for her and that she probably was more straight than not.”

 

“...that's some serious shit,” Trini finally said. “Like, all kinds of messed up friendship.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I guess it makes sense then why you had that kinda pic of her.”

 

“Yep,” Kim sighed. “Just in my phone waiting to be used out of spite.”

 

“Look, what you did was fucked up. Like really stupid. But you didn't know that douchebag dude was gonna send it around the school. You can't take all the blame on yourself like this,” Trini said gently.

 

“I know. You're right.” Kim nodded, staring into her coffee again. “My Mom says we're all allowed one monumental stupid mistake in our lives, but then it's up to us to find a way to make up for it. I just...don't know if that's something I can make up for, you know?” She didn't expect an answer to that, and they both sat there for a long time thinking it over.

 

After a long silence between them, Trini slapped a hand to the table. It made Kim jump and look up at her. “Let's go to Saph and have a shot. On me. I think you need one.”

 

Kim smiled warmly. “I think you're right. I'm in. _But_ I think you have to tell me something embarrassing about yourself so we're even. Doesn't have to be your one monumental screw up, just something.”

 

“Nuh uh, Princess. You told me that on your own. We don't hafta be even.” Trini stood and crossed her arms. Her face had that cold, determined look, but Kim didn't back down.

 

“Friendship is all about give and take, T.” She got up as well, and she had a smirk on her lips as she waited for Trini to break.

 

“Then maybe this friendship isn't gonna work.” Trini started walking through the tables with Kim on her heel, and the shorter woman took out her phone. “Who can I call to replace you?”

 

“Ahh, you wouldn't replace me.” Kim leaped to Trini's side and threw an arm around her shoulders. “You know you love having me around.”

 

“Sorry, do I know you?” Trini shot Kim a raised brow.

 

“You do. I'm the one bringing more customers through your door,” she said smugly. She didn't let go of Trini as they walked out the doors and onto the sidewalk. Trini huffed.

 

“Damn. Guess I gotta keep you around for something.”

 

“That's rude,” Kim said pointedly.

 

“Have you met me?”

 

“I have. And I'm very thankful for it,” Kim said, squeezing Trini tightly.

 

“Oh my god, I adopted another Zack.”

 

“RUDE.”

 

**iv. june**

 

In the weeks that followed there were more donut sessions, and the two women started to become closer. They didn't reveal anything too deep about themselves, but they did talk about being kids and about their respective friendships with Zack and Jason. Kim learned that Zack and Trini met in high school, and that Zack pursued Trini's friendship until she finally threw her hands up and gave in. Kim also learned that Trini leaned on Zack a lot in high school with issues at home, specifically with her parents not accepting that she was gay. Then after high school Trini leaned on Zack even more, because of what Kim wasn't sure, but Trini was clear that Zack was her ride or die. Kim could appreciate that. Jason was the same for her. They also talked about smaller things, like Kim and her musician-loving conquests, which made Trini laugh pretty hard. They talked about Trini's brothers, Daniel and Diego, and Kim was struck with a warm feeling deep in her chest over how much Trini clearly loved them. And Kim could see why. Both were tall and handsome, towering over Trini at all times, and they were kind. Kim could tell they loved their older sister very much.

 

Daniel, or Danny as he preferred, was the quieter of the two – by only so much – and he pitched in at the bar more than his brother. He always offered Kim a wide, brilliant smile when they spoke. He always complimented her performances and asked questions about the music. He apparently had an interest despite never playing an instrument before, and Kim offered to teach him some chords on her guitar sometime. Diego was a larger than life spirit. He laughed a lot, he picked on his siblings in a loving manner, and he was always around the bar talking to anyone and everyone. He seemed to want to make sure everyone was having fun and enjoying themselves, and he wanted to be a part of it. He often led the chant of 'one more song!' when Kim finished performing, and she always did, because Diego was someone who was hard to say no to. Diego liked to pick his sister off the floor in bear hugs, and wrestle his brother anywhere he saw fit. His eyes shone 'troublemaker' through and through, but Kim also knew that he had a lot of love and respect for Trini. Seeing that piece of him made Kim like him even more. She liked both of them, and she loved seeing the three siblings together. Even though she had to keep reminding Trini that they were underage and shouldn't even _be_ in the bar. Trini always waved her off.

 

When not getting donuts, Trini and Kim spent time together at the bar when they could. Kim would come in on other days of the week and sit at the bar all night long, talking to Zack or trying to catch Trini's time. Trini would come into the back room on Kim's breaks and they'd sit together and talk, or not talk at all. Kim just liked being close to Trini. She liked it physically, and she liked it emotionally. She knew she was going to fall hard for the other woman, but she didn't know what to do about it. She had no idea if Trini felt anything for her or if Trini would run if she told her. If Kim had learned anything about Trini, it was that she could be unpredictable when it came to serious matters. Kim would have rather continued to secretly pine than to lose their friendship, and that made it so much harder. She was always thinking about Trini, wanting to be near Trini, and wanting to know everything about Trini. She still felt like she didn't know much at all, and the other woman held everything so close to her chest, as though if anyone touched it she'd break. Kim couldn't just ask. She knew Trini would brush it off. So she knew she had to wait. Just wait for Trini to open up to her.

 

Not that Kim could say much. There were things she still hadn't opened up to Trini about, but it was really hard to do that. Even though she knew she trusted Trini. She knew deep down that Trini wouldn't have a problem with her parents, or make fun of her over them, but how do you just say, 'Hey, I have two moms.' It wasn't so easy when she'd had a lifetime of classmates and adults making fun of her for it, or saying things about it that no nine year old – or even seventeen year old – should have to hear. _'Your entire family is a sin!' 'How could two people ruin a child's life like that?' 'How were they ever allowed to adopt??'_

 

Kim loved her Moms. They had given her a great life growing up, and they always showered her with love. She saw what a healthy love looked like through them, and she knew she wanted that one day. Not that she hadn't made terrible choices in the romance department, but something in her was just waiting for her person. The person that made her as happy as her Mama (or Mom) and Mami always had been. It was cheesy, sure, but it was true. But she still couldn't let go of all the jeering along the way, and something about that made the idea of telling Trini terrifying. It was ridiculous, and Kim knew it. She'd never been scared to tell significant others in the past, because she always figured they either accepted it or had to hit the road. And Trini would obviously accept it, so why was Kim so scared to actually tell her?

* * *

 

 

“So when are The Moms coming to see you play?” (Jason had been given rights to calling them 'The Moms' a long time before. When he had become an honorary part of the family, and had never seen anything different about them. He always just accepted it, and from a young age Kimberly had appreciated it. Even his family had been okay with it and that too had been rare. Most other kids that had wanted to play with Kim were tugged away by their parents who couldn't bear to let their child into that 'environment'. But not Jason. And her parents had loved him from the start, and Jason and Kim lovingly referred to her parents as 'The Moms'.) Jason was laying on the couch, throwing a football in the air and catching it over and over. Kim was leaned back in the side chair with a flashlight, turning it on and off again as she watched the beams on the ceiling. They were both a little bored.

 

“Never is what I'm shooting for,” Kim replied to her nosy friend. Jason laughed.

 

“You know they won't accept that.”

 

“They also won't come unless I say I'm okay with it,” she reminded him. While pushy in their loving way, her Moms respected Kim's space and life outside of them.

 

“And remind me why you're not okay with it? You usually like them watching you. They give you all the attention and glory you crave.”

 

“Are you calling me an attention whore?”

 

“Yes I am.” Jason missed the ball and it rolled across the living room. He made no move to go and retrieve it, but instead he tilted his head back to try to look at her. “Seriously, Kim. What's up?”

 

“I...haven't mentioned to Trini, or Zack, that I have two Moms.”

 

“What? Why not? Are you embarrassed by them?”

 

“No! Never! It's just...you remember what it was like when we were growing up. People...were cruel. Or do you not remember the laughter at the father/daughter dance when I showed up with Mami? Or when we had to write about families in second grade and I got an F for no reason. Oh, and the times in freshman year when people wrote FREAK and DYKE BABY on my locker...” Kim frowned and turned the flashlight off and left it off. She still stared at the ceiling. “And I know, I know what you're going to say. Trini won't be like that.”

 

“No, she won't,” he replied. “All those people were terrible, small minded assholes. The Moms and you didn't deserve any of it.”

 

“Thanks, Jace. ...I don't know. I just can't...say it to her.”

 

“That's really dumb.”

 

“God! You suck at being a friend!” She looked for something to throw at him, but only found a pen. So she threw that. It hit him in the nose.

 

“Ow. On multiple counts.” He rubbed his nose.

 

“I know it makes no sense, okay? I know.” And she went quiet with that, going back to playing with the flashlight.

 

Jason curled his arm under his head and closed his eyes. He kept quiet too for a long time, before finally speaking up again. “I think you should tell her, Kim. If you like her so much you should just be completely honest about yourself. If she likes you back, which I think she does, then she'll embrace whatever you tell her. You told her about everything with Amanda and that went pretty well. This is nothing compared to that.”

 

Kim still kept quiet for a long time. Then she sighed and spoke, “I'll think about it, okay?”

 

“Okay.” He got off the couch and went after his football. “Let's go outside and throw this thing around for real.”

 

“Works for me.” Kim put down her flashlight and jumped off the chair. “But no more Moms talk.” She acted fast and grabbed the football from his hands and bolted for the door. “You're going down, Scott!”

 

* * *

 

 

“ _-cause you're so far away_

_far away_

_tell me how can I touch you_

_how can I touch you_

_baby_

_how can I touch you_

_and make you mine_

_I wanna make you mine...”_

 

Kim let the final strum of her guitar ring out and kept her eyes closed with it. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest. Harder than it normally did. She opened her eyes and stood to take in the applause, and she tried to let go of the fact that she had just poured her heart out in front of everyone. Especially Trini. As per usual, she had several women trying to buy her drinks, but there was only one woman she had on her mind. And she saw her standing behind the bar, arms crossed, staring back with the slightest of smiles on her lips. Kim couldn't help but grin and walked right over. The song was instantly forgotten as she got near Trini. If not forgotten, pushed far away in her mind with all of her best denials. If she acted normal then maybe Trini wouldn't notice anything. She leaned her elbows on the bar. “Hey barkeep, spare some water?”

 

Trini raised a brow – oh how Kim loved when the woman did that – and stood where she was. “Not when you ask like that,” she replied. But her lips were still curled ever so much at the corners.

 

Kim framed her face with her hands on her chin and beamed cutely. “Oh, Ms. Trini, ma'am, would you be so kind as to pour me a water? I'm so parched from singing to your patrons all night.” She even batted her eyelashes. Trini rolled her eyes and moved to pour the water.

 

“Only because you sang some really good songs.”

 

“Some?” Kim slid onto the bar stool and looked hurt. “Only some?”

 

“I said what I said.” Trini placed the water in front of Kim.

 

“So hateful,” Kim shook her head and took the plastic cup to bring to her lips. “Just hateful,” she muttered before drinking it.

 

Trini's smirk turned into a smile and she shook her head. “You want anything else?”

 

“Usual?” Kim asked hopefully. So she liked cranberry and vodka, what was the big deal with that? She counted in her head and waited for Trini to give her a hard time.

 

“Princess drink for the princess,” the shorter woman sighed dramatically.

 

“What makes it a princess drink?”

 

“It just is.” Trini moved away to make the drink then came back and set it in front of her. “There you go.”

 

“Always coming through for me,” Kim beamed. Her heart was still pounding as she finished her water. She wasn't sure it ever _stopped_ pounding around Trini. “Don't you have other people who need drinks?” Kim's eyes didn't stray from the other woman.

 

“Probably, but Zack's here, and that new guy, Tommy. They've got it handled.”

 

“So you can do whatever you want, like a boss,” Kim supplied, grin still on her face.

 

“Exactly. So why am I talking to you?” Trini teased, one corner of her lips raised higher than the other.

 

“Umm, because I'm awesome?”

 

“Riiight. If you say so, Princess.”

 

“Then why are you still here?” Kim tilted her head, brow raised, smirk in place. Trini just stared at her for a bit, and Kim was almost sure she saw heat bloom in her cheeks, but then Trini seemed to find some control and shook her head.

 

“I liked that cover of 'Curious' that you did,” Trini finally said.

 

“Yeah? Figured it'd work here. Girls love Hayley Kiyoko.”

 

“Mhmm. And that last one you did...that was...really beautiful.” Trini's tone almost sounded reverent, and Kim felt chills run through herself. She also felt herself stiffen at the mention of it. Getting the guts to sing it was one thing, but talking about it with Trini was another. “Never heard it before. Who's it by?”

 

Kimberly took a long gulp of her vodka drink and licked her lips. She didn't know how to avoid that question, so she figured going with the truth was her best bet. “Me,” she admitted. “It's one of mine.”

 

“Oh.” Trini stared at her again, eyes wide as she seemed to think it over. “Oh. W-well....it was good,” she muttered. “I forgot. I have to do something.” And she was gone in an instant.

 

Kim groaned quietly to herself. Maybe that hadn't been the best option. But why had Trini reacted that way? Why did Trini always seem to react that way when things got too serious? She finished off her drink then flung her upper body over the bar and called out, “Zaaaack, I need a driiiink.” She saw him just down the bar, and he looked over and shook his head with a laugh. He gave her the 'one minute' signal. She waited. One minute later he walked over with her drink of choice in his hand and set it in front of her.

 

“That set wear you out?” He asked.

 

“Something like that,” she grumbled, and sat up to take a sip of her drink.

 

“Really liked that last one,” he commented idly. “I mean, wow. Talk about emotion.” He had one palm flat to the bar and the other over his heart, and she looked up to see him smirking at her. “Tell me, Kimberly Hart, _who_ was that song about?” A brow shot up and he looked far too amused for his own good. Or hers.

 

“It was about me kicking your ass,” she replied.

 

“Really? Because I think it was about someone here. Someone short and angry and pretty damn cute.”

 

“Don't know what you're talking about.” She continued to sip at her drink and not give him any satisfaction.

 

“Sure you don't. I bet she doesn't either.” He winked before walking away. Kim groaned again and went back to her alcohol. Getting drunk? Now that seemed like a good option. She knew a long time ago that Zack knew about her crush on Trini, and he always gave her such a hard time about it, even though she never confirmed it for him. He also always acted like he knew something she didn't, and that infuriated her. She hated not knowing things and she hated more that he thought he knew things that she didn't know. You know? It was frustrating. But it was useless to try and deny the crush around him, so she always opted instead to play dumb until he went away. It usually worked.

 

The night went on and before long it was after closing time, and Kim took up one of the booths to herself while the others performed their closing duties. Usually if Kim stuck around that late she would help, but she was of no help to anyone at that point. So she was instead flopped down in one side of the booth on her back.

 

“I think we need to get you home,” came her favorite voice.

 

“Nahhhh, I'm good. Sit with me.”

 

“You're not sitting, Princess. _Can_ you sit up?” Trini's voice moved, and it sounded like it was across from Kim, so Kim slowly sat up. She felt blood rushing to her head and her stomach shifting a little, but she was able to sit upright and look at Trini in the seat across from her.

 

“See? I can sit. I'm not as drunk as I think you are,” she said. That got an honest to god laugh from Trini, and Kim frowned, wondering what she'd missed. “Have a drink with me,” she begged. “Just one.”

 

“I don't think you need another one,” Trini argued.

 

“Okay so make mine water.”

 

Trini looked like she was thinking that over before she nodded. “A'ight. But then I'm taking you home. Deal?”

 

“Deal.”

 

An hour later Kim had sobered up some, and Trini had just brought over a bottle of vodka. Trini was very tipsy. Kim grabbed the bottle before Trini could stop her and took a long sip.

 

“ 'eeeyyy,” Trini called out. “You supposed to be drinkin' water.” She shot a playflul glare Kim's way, and Kim only stuck out her tongue.

 

“We gotta be even,” Kim replied. “Drink for drink.”

 

“Then gimmie.” She held out her hand and made a grabby motion with her fingers. Kim grinned at how cute she was.

 

Everyone else had since gone home (Zack departing with waggling brows and a smirk and a command to 'be safe'), and the lights were out except a few over the bar. The two women sat in near darkness in their booth, and everything was silent around them. Almost too silent. Kim passed the bottle across the table and grabbed her phone to put on a random playlist softly. Loud enough to drown out the silence, but quiet enough to hardly be noticed. She brought her eyes up and watched Trini drink, and she was caught by the way the light hit Trini's face and brought the softest glow to her skin. Kim gulped. Trini was so damn beautiful. And she seemed to smile more the more they had to drink, and that may or may not have been Kim's goal all along.

 

“Let's play truth,” Kim suggested.

 

“How d'ya play that?” Trini pushed the bottle across the table and Kim caught it.

 

“We ask each other a question and you have to answer with the truth. If you can't, you drink.”

 

“I'm 'bout to get druuunk,” Trini replied.

 

“Nooo, come on...it's...we can get to know each other better,” Kim said. “Solidate our friendship.”

 

“...I don't think that's a word.”

 

“Triniiii,” Kim whined out, pouting at her. Trini stared at her, blinked slowly, before she relented.

 

“Fiiiine. You start.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. Kim wondered just how long she'd get to play this game before Trini called it off.

 

“Okayyyy.” Kim thought carefully, then gave a single nod. “When did you know you're gay?”

 

Trini sighed out, “Bethany Matthews in fourth grade. I think I knew 'fore that that I liked girls, but fourth grade I figured out what it meant 'nd that I definitely liked Bethany that way. Now i's my turn,” she said, and without thinking asked, “Have you 'nd Jason ever done anythin' that was more than friends?”

 

Kim felt a little sick to her stomach. “We kissed when we were thirteen to see what all the hype was about, and it was gross. We were both really confused, like... 'ew, why is that a big deal?'. Never did it again. We don't even speak of it, so you are bound to....drunk game silence.”

 

“You got my word.”

 

“Are you dating anyone?” Kim raised her brow, and took a sip from the bottle as she waited.

 

“Nope. Are _you_?” Trini stole bottle and took a sip as well. Neither were quite playing the game right anymore.

 

“No.” Kim replied. She took the bottle back and took a sip from it as she thought of another question. “Why a bar?”

 

“What do y'mean?”

 

Yes, Kim found it adorable how Trini's words slurred together when she drank. “Why did you buy a bar? Wasn't there something else you wanted to be?”

 

“Firs'...tha's two questions...I needed some steady income and I saw this place go up f'r sale and figured...I can do that. Second....what's wrong with wantin' to do this? Why's there gotta be somethin' _else_?” Her eyes were narrowed at Kim, and Kim knew she had to get herself out of the hole she had dug.

 

“No! I didn't mean it like that! You can...this can totally be your dream! I just...wondered if something else had been.” She grabbed the bottle for a long pull. She needed it. She felt the alcohol spread through her already drunken veins.

 

“If that's the question...” Trini reached for the bottle to drink. A clear 'skip' in her eyes.

 

“O-okay..” Kim nodded.

 

“My turn. 'nd I get two questions.” Trini thought them over for a moment. “One, what made you get into music? And two, why don't you swim now?”

 

Kim gulped. At least one of the questions was easy. “My parents were really into music and raised me around it. They got me piano lessons, then guitar lessons, and I was good. It came naturally. So I just...grew up loving it,” she shrugged. She knew she sounded cocky, but that always came out more when she drank so she didn't care. She hesitated on the second question. She thought about taking a drink and skipping, but she was drunk enough that she felt she could answer it. “I don't swim because every time I try to get myself into a pool I have this weird anxious _thing_ come over me and I can't...breathe or think straight. So I bail.” Her eyes fell to the table, and she realized that maybe admitting that was not as easy as she had thought. Or at least, having Trini know that about her was not as easy as she had thought it'd be. She couldn't look up at the other woman. Didn't want to.

 

“That's...it's understand'ble that you'd...have some kinda reaction,” Trini said gently. “You can overc-”

 

“My turn!” Kim's head shot up and she was smiling again. She didn't need to talk about her answer. “My question is...where'd you get the money to buy the bar? You were...what...twenty-three?” She watched Trini's face fall, and her eyes darkened, and Kim wondered if she'd asked the wrong thing.

 

Trini reached for the bottle and slid it towards herself, but didn't pick it up. She stared down at it for a long time and started to bring it up to her lips, but then she put it back down. Kim heard her sniffle and her brows knit together in concern. She opened her mouth to say something, but Trini started to speak first. “My parents are dead,” she said coolly. She took a gulp from the bottle. Kim didn't know what to even say to that, but Trini was still talking. “-figured out the right account to put the money they'd saved for me to go to college into...it made some more money...then I was able to withdraw it, got a loan for the rest...got a bar.”

 

There were tears in Trini's eyes that she didn't shed, and her jaw was set tight. Kim wanted to ask so much more, but she couldn't ask. She wanted to say she was sorry, but she didn't know how. How do you say something so...cliche to someone about something so horrible? So instead, she let her foot reach out and find Trini's, and she brushed it against Trini's ankle. She lay her hand across the table, and it took several beats, but Trini dropped her hand in Kim's, and Kim squeezed it tight.

 

“Your turn to ask a-” Kim started to whisper, but Trini shook her head.

 

“I need to...if I don't...now...I never will.” She gripped Kim's hand back, and Kim nodded, not saying a word. Trini sniffled and wiped her eyes on either shoulder. “My p-parents died when I was eighteen. I was four months into my freshmen year at college, and...and I was really happy. I was away somewhere where I got to be _me_ , you know? But um...they were in a bad car accident back home. This...cop came out to my school to tell me...which...isn't normal I don't think....anyway. I dropped out and went home to take care of my brothers. They were only eight. It was....a pain in the ass...had to deal with family services a lot...had to prove I could do it...had them checking up on us a lot that first year....wasn't easy.” Trini's eyes were on their hands, and Kimberly just listened, her heart breaking more with each word.

 

“So I raised them. Worked when I could, used money from the settlement and their estate....and Zack helped out so much. Like...I wouldn't have survived without him. He moved in a couple of years later when his mom passed away....she'd been real sick for a long time....and he just...dove right in. He worked and contributed to the bills...he was home with the boys when I had to work...we....had our own little family. But I knew I needed to have something...stable...that would bring in, hopefully, real money...so when they were like...thirteen...I bought the bar. And I wasn't home as much, but they understood. They still had Zack. And...um...I had more bartenders then....so I didn't have to be here all day and night. It was hard....really hard in the beginning....but it worked out. Then this year they both went off to college. Luckily, I was able to get by without touching their college funds....so....they're able to go. I don't think they'll cover their whole four years so...I've been saving more...and they can get financial aid or whatever....”

 

Kim studied Trini the entire time she was telling her story, and she wanted badly to reach across and hold her cheek, but she didn't dare. As it was Trini was already pulling away from her hand. Kim let her. She could see Trini curling in on herself, and she hated it. She wanted to do something about it. Anything. But she didn't know what she could do without Trini running away for real.

 

“You-” Kim's voice broke and she cursed herself silently. “You are an amazing sister,” she said, her voice strong then. She meant it. “Choosing to do that, from such a young age, is incredible. It's no wonder they love you so much.”

 

“It wasn't a choice,” Trini said, emotionless. “It's family. It's what's right. What, I was supposed to let them go live with strangers? Force them into a new family? Nuh uh...I...did what was right.” She didn't sound as sure at the end.

 

“You did what was right,” Kim agreed, firmly. “And you're still amazing, I don't care what you say.” Trini had no idea just how amazing Kim really found her.

 

“...didn't always feel amazing.”

 

“Yeah, I'm sure it didn't.”

 

“...wasn't really fair.”

 

“No,” Kim agreed. Trini just nodded and picked up the bottle, but Kim reached across and took it from her. “I think...that's enough tonight. For both of us.”

 

“Okay,” Trini agreed easily. She got up from the booth but slid right back down into it.

 

“How did you manage to get more drunk than me?” Kim asked. She stood up and paused, feeling the earth move around her. “Okay....so I'm still drunk.”

 

“No shit,” Trini chuckled. She tried to stand again and braced a hand on the table. “No way you're going home alone like that.”

 

“Then where am I going?” Kim was able to move around and reach an arm under Trini's so that the shorter girl was leaning on her.

 

“My place,” Trini replied. “Come on.” She started to walk, and Kim could only try to keep up, a little paralyzed by the idea of going to Trini's.

 

“Um...wait...but..” Were the only words Kim could get out.

 

“Ugh, the lights,” Trini muttered, staring at the lights over the bar. “Eh, they can stay on.”

 

Kim found her ability to move like a human being and she led Trini to the door. She unlocked it and moved outside with Trini before pulling the door shut. “Got the keys, drunkie?”

 

“Right here, drunkie two.” Trini whipped the keys from her pocket and nearly hit Kim in the face. “Whoopsie!”

 

Kim snorted. “You said whoopsie!”

 

“Did not!”

 

“Did too!”

 

“Shuddup,” Trini grumbled, trying to get the keys in the door to lock it. Kim wrapped a hand around Trini's and helped her, and maybe she imagined the gasp of air Trini sucked in. “Th'nks,” Trini said, pulling back once it was locked. Kim let go of her hand.

 

“Welcome. So. How we getting to your place?”

 

“s'right here,” Trini said. She took them a step over to another door. Kim frowned. Trini looked at her, then turned to get the keys in another door. “I live above the bar, dumbass.”

 

“Hey! That's not nice!” Kim watched Trini get the door unlocked then push it open, and then she looked at the stairs before them. “Ohhhhh....you live over the barrrr,” she said in realization.

 

“Dumbass,” Trini muttered again. She started forward on her own and tried navigating the steps. Kim stepped up behind her and touched her back, and between holding onto each other and the railing, the two were able to make it up all the stairs. Endless stairs in Kim's view. Too many stairs. But after the too many stairs was another door, and Trini pushed it open to reveal a small, dark apartment.

 

Trini flicked on a light that lit up the entire living room that the door opened too, but when both girls groaned in pain she turned it off again. Instead, Trini led Kim through the dark room, into a dark hallway, and into the last door on the left. (She pointed out the bathroom to Kim in case she needed to hurl. Trini's words.) They walked into what Kim immediately realized was Trini's bedroom, and she felt herself get hot all over.

 

“I can sleep on the couch or something,” she offered.

 

“No,” was all Trini said, tugging Kim by the front of her shirt over to the double bed against the wall. It was messy and unmade, but covered in a pretty yellow quilt. For some reason that made Kim smile. She hadn't taken Trini as a 'yellow' kind of girl. And then Kim was being pushed onto the bed. She reached out to catch herself before face-planting.

 

“What the he-”

 

“Shoes off,” Trini instructed. Kim, grumbling, sat up on the bed to get her shoes off. She also shed her leather jacket across the nearby chair. Meanwhile, Trini stripped down to nothing but a white tee shirt and Space Jam boxers, and Kimberly stared with a large gulp. “Want shorts or somethin' so you're not in jeans?” It took a second for Trini's words to filter in, and Kim just nodded. Trini tossed a pair of shorts at her. She stared at them as if she had forgotten how to put them on, but then she got to her feet and slowly made her way to the bathroom to change.

 

When she returned, in the shorts that were a bit too small and tight, she saw Trini laying in bed against the wall. She cleared her throat and ran a hand through her hair. “You sure you don't want me to take the couch?”

 

Trini stared at her for a moment before demanding, “Get in.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Kim climbed into the bed and under the blankets, and the yellow quilt, and she lay on her side as she watched Trini's back. She smiled softly. It was nice being so close to Trini, being in Trini's home and her bed, it was almost like a dream come true. She thought about that for awhile, and thought about all Trini had revealed to her. She realized that Trini must really trust her if she had told her all that, and maybe she needed to trust Trini back. She opened her mouth to speak, but Trini rolled over, moved closer, and stared at her. And Kim lost all sense. Almost all sense. She didn't close the distance between them and kiss Trini like she wanted to do. But she definitely forgot what words were. Trini was inches from Kim, staring at Kim, in _Trini's_ _bed_ , and Kim could feel her brain short circuiting. The air had become too thick, and breathing had become something that Kim wasn't sure how to to do.

 

Trini reached across and pushed Kim's hair from her face to behind her ear. Kim gulped. Trini smiled softly at her. Kim internally screamed. It felt like Trini was all but asking to be kissed, but how could Kim be sure?? Where was the sign saying 'YES KISS TRINI IT WILL BE OKAY!'. She wasn't sure. But she did bring her hand up to Trini's cheek, like she had wanted to earlier, and she stroked Trini's cheek with her thumb. The skin there was so soft, and Kim was almost hypnotized watching her thumb on that soft skin. She glanced up and watched Trini's eyes flutter closed as the shorter of the two sighed softly.

 

Screw the sign. She was gonna do it. Yes, she was going to _kiss_ Trini Something Gomez. (She really needed to learn Trini's middle name. Note for later.) Kim moved herself closer, until their bodies were pressed together, and she leaned her face in. Her eyes closed, and she was inches from putting her lips to Trini's, when she felt a soft whisper on her lips.

 

“Don't.”

 

“What?” She blinked her eyes open, and Trini was staring back at her in...fear?

 

“Don't kiss me.”

 

“O-oh..” Kim said dejectedly. So she had read it all wrong. “Why?”

 

Trini's eyes dropped shut. “Because I'll never stop.”

 

Kim was confused, but she let out a soft breath and brushed her nose with Trini's. “Then never stop,” she whispered.

 

“I can't.” Trini's voice hitched as she rolled over so that her back was to Kim. Kim frowned and chewed her lip for a moment, then she had a thought. She was hesitant to voice it, but she had never been good at making good choices.

 

“Are...are you afraid you'll get hurt like with your parents? Because I-”

 

“Kim,” Trini's voice was thick and hard. “ _Never_ ask me that again. Go to sleep.”

 

She didn't need to hear that twice. Kim lay on her back and closed her eyes. She desperately wanted to wrap herself against Trini and hold her, but she knew the moment for that was gone. She even contemplated getting up and going to the couch, but she honestly wanted to stay at Trini's side, even with the awkward.

 

But Trini _did_ want to kiss her. Trini wanted to kiss _her_.

 

And Kim may have royally fucked that up.

 


	4. everyone gets a little bit scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the update! It's kinda short.
> 
> Chapter title from Right Here by James Morrison
> 
> Next chapter is half written already! And something big is coming in a couple more chapters, so stay with me!

_"But I'm right here_  
_Still right here_  
 _I don't know if I can heal the hurt_  
 _Give you all I've got for all that its worth_  
 _Cause a little something, is better than nothing_  
 _I'll hold you, you can fall on me_  
 _I told you that you're where I want to be"_

 

* * *

 

**iv. june: continued**

 

Kimberly woke up the next morning to a mild headache and the comfiest bed she had slept in in years. She snuggled underneath the blankets and smashed her face into the pillow and breathed in an intoxicating scent, and that's when she remembered where she was. And she vaguely remembered how she got there. That would be, after a lot of alcohol and...a game a truth. And something else...

 

She almost kissed Trini!

 

Oh god, she almost kissed Trini.

 

And it ended spectacularly terrible.

 

What had she said? No, she remembered what she said. And she remembered Trini's back to her. She lifted her head to look to her side, but the bed next to her was empty. She frowned. Trini had left her alone in her bed? So where was the short, but frightening other woman? Kim pulled herself out of the bed and looked around the room. It was minimal with a dresser and a bookshelf, and a windowsill with cacti along it. That made her smile slightly. She wasn't sure why. She smiled wider when she saw twin photo frames on Trini's dresser. One picture was of Trini, Zack, and the twins, and the boys looked about ten. The other picture was an even younger Trini, the twins, and two people that Kim could only deduct were their parents. That made her smile fade a little with sadness.

 

She got to her feet and looked down at herself in the too small shorts, and no that wasn't going to work. She quickly pulled out of them and put on her jeans, tossing the shorts in a nearby hamper, then reached for her leather jacket. Before she could pick it up though she spotted Trini's yellow flannel shirt, and with a smirk she picked it up and put it on. It too was small on her, but it was warm and still smelled of Trini. Kim put her leather jacket on over that and sat to put her shoes on. All the while she wondered where Trini was. The apartment outside the bedroom door sounded quiet, still, and she didn't feel Trini's presence there. She got up and exited the room and made her way down the hallway. She noticed an open door and peeked in nosily. Inside she found a bigger bedroom with two double beds and an open door to an en suite bathroom. The walls had posters of race cars and movies, and Kim could only assume that it had once been the twins' bedroom. Trini obviously gave them the master bedroom and kept the smaller one for herself, and that made Kim smile again.

 

As she continued down the hall she saw another open door, and inside that lay a bedroom the size of Trini's that was just as bare, if not more. Had it been Zack's room? She guessed so. Actually, she couldn't be sure but maybe he still slept there, if the crumpled clothes across the bed were any indication.

 

Feeling like maybe her snooping, albeit justified with the open doors, was wrong, Kim walked into the open living room and looked around. No Trini. The living room was open to the kitchen, and still no Trini. She really wasn't there at all.

 

Kim frowned. There was one other place Trini could be, but maybe she didn't want Kim to find her. Maybe it was a sign to get out and go home. Kim was nothing if not stubborn and persistent though. She walked down the stairs (they still felt endless, even sober) and out the front door. She shut it behind herself and went over to the door to the bar. She tried the handle and the door opened easily. Biting a lip, she stepped inside.

 

“Sorry, we're clo-” Trini was sitting at the bar, papers spread out in front of her, pen in hand, and she was wearing glasses. Glasses. Kim could have died on the spot. When Trini realized it was Kim at the door her brows furrowed and she frowned. “Oh...hey.”

 

“Hey...” Kim replied, hovering at the door uncertainly.

 

“Sleep okay?” Trini asked, pushing the glasses on top of her head. (And wow, Kim wished Trini would leave the glasses on, because talk about your hot teacher fantasies!)

 

“Yeah, I did,” Kim nodded. She ran a hand through her hair. “I just...I wanted to say I'm sorry. About last night. I was out of line.”

 

“You were,” Trini said flatly. She twirled the pen in her fingers. “But it's whatever.”

 

“Right,” Kim replied, unsure what else to say. Silence loomed between them, and unlike the night before it was uncomfortable. Kim hated that. She cleared her throat. “So I'm gonna go. I just...wanted to say that.”

 

“Okay.”

 

She waited to Trini to say something, anything, more, but the woman never did. She just looked back down at her paperwork and tapped her pen against it. So Kim nodded again and reached for the door. “I had a really great time, Trini. I hope...I hope we can do it again.” She waited again, but again Trini said nothing, so she pulled the door open. It was only as she was walking out that she heard a soft reply behind her.

 

“Me, too.”

 

* * *

 

Kim spent the next week obsessively replaying the night and morning after in her mind. She didn't go to the bar. She didn't text Trini. She felt like maybe they needed the space – maybe Trini needed the space. In her time she worked on her music, practiced some of her covers, and finished out her set list for her next performance. Jason and Billy came over, and both seemed to sense that something was bothering her, but after some initial questioning, they left it alone. Kim was thankful. She wanted to figure out what was going on, but she also didn't want to talk about it. Maybe it was just something she had to mull over on her own.

 

That Thursday morning she was having coffee and Frosted Flakes when her phone went off. It was her Moms. Or at least one of them. She debated letting it go to voicemail, but she knew they knew she was up and at home. She didn't really have a choice.

 

“Hello Mom,” she greeted, assuming from whose phone the call came from. Her guess was right.

 

“Hi sweetie,” her mom's voice came, and it instantly melted something inside of her that only two voices could. She really was a little princess.

 

“What's up?” She asked, not letting it show that she was really thankful to hear from her.

 

“The sky...airplanes...sometimes balloons,” was the answer she got. She rolled her eyes. “But also I wanted to say hi. How are you, honey?”

 

Kim snorted at the first part of the answer. Leave it to her mom. “I'm...okay,” she replied. “A little nervous about tonight.”

 

“You have nothing to be nervous about, Kimmy. You're super good and everyone will love you.”

 

“You have to say that,” Kim pointed out.

 

“It's true,” her mom replied. “So what else is it?”

 

Kim sighed and pushed her cereal around in the bowl. “You remember that girl, Trini?”

 

“The one you talk about all the time? I think I do, yes.” Her mom chuckled.

 

“I don't talk about her all the time!”

 

“Yes, you do, but that's not the point. What happened?”

 

“I think I messed it all up,” she said glumly. “I said something kind of stupid and she totally shut down on me.”

 

“What is it I've told you?”

 

“That sometimes you have to wait for people.”

 

“Exactly. I waited for your Mami, and look how that turned out,” her mom pointed out.

 

“But...ughhhh,” Kim rubbed her face. “It's....we almost...things got more complicated.”

 

“Complicated doesn't mean it's over. It just means you have to give it more time and be patient.”

 

“What if...what if I did blow it for good?”

 

“What if you didn't?”

 

“Oh my god, Mama! You're-!”

 

“Optimistic. Someone in this family has to be,” she teased.

 

“Well, I guess I take after Mami with all that.”

 

“You definitely do. Speaking of, do you want to talk to her?”

 

“Nah, I've got a lot to work on here. Just tell her 'hi' and I love her,” Kim said.

 

“I will. And we love you, too. We miss you. We'd love to see you.”

 

“I know what you're hinting at, and no you can't come up here and spy on Trini.”

 

“It was worth a shot,” her mom cheerfully. “Bye, honey. Keep your chin up.”

 

“I'll try. Bye, Mama.”

 

Kim ended the call and put her phone down beside her bowl. Speaking to her mom did seem to raise her spirits a bit, and she looked down at the song that was half written beside her. She pushed it aside. She wasn't ready for that yet. She'd already poured her feelings out in one performance. She needed time before she did it again, and she wanted it to be when Trini might even be receptive to it.

 

She did miss Trini though. She missed their snarky back and forths, she missed watching her work, and she missed seeing her smile. Kim groaned. She really was so far gone. Then, as if summoning her herself, Kim got a text.

 

**Bartender Beauty: you seen my yellow flannel? it disappeared the same night you were over**

 

Kim smirked and looked down at the flannel she wore over her pajama top.

 

**Kim: not sure I know what you're talking about. maybe you misplaced it.**

 

**Bartender Beauty: or maybe someone stole it**

 

**Kim: that's a harsh accusation gomez.**

 

**Bartender Beauty: don't last name me**

 

**Bartender Beauty: that's my favorite flannel**

 

**Kim: and you only realized it was missing today?**

 

**Kim: also? It's june??**

 

**Bartender beauty: no**

 

**Bartender beauty: that's not the point**

 

**Bartender beauty: bring it to the bar**

 

Kim smiled. Trini wanted to see her. Right? That was what this was about?

 

**Kim: and if I don't?**

 

**Bartender Beauty: i have my ways of getting it back**

 

**Kim: threatening me? That's kinda hot.**

 

**Bartender Beauty: kim**

 

**Bartender Beauty: fine**

 

**Bartender Beauty: whatever**

 

**Bartender Beauty: bring it tonight?**

 

**Kim: we'll see.**

 

**Bartender Beauty: stubborn ass**

 

**Kim: you know it.**

 

Trini didn't respond, but Kim didn't mind. She smiled to herself as she reread the conversation, and it definitely seemed like Trini wanted to see Kim again. But was Kim ready to face her? Could they just forget what had been said? Would they forget what had almost happened? And maybe...maybe the only reason Trini had almost kissed her was that she had been drunk. Maybe Trini didn't remember that they had almost kissed.

 

Kim did. Kim could still remember their closeness. She could remember Trini's breath, sweet and warm, against her lips. She remembered their noses touching, and Trini's small gasp for air.

 

Kim groaned again. Remembering was torture.

 

* * *

 

 

When the evening finally fell, Kim walked into the bar and put on her blinders as she walked to the back room. She couldn't be distracted by Trini. She didn't want to be distracted by Trini. Did she? She set her guitar down and closed her eyes for a moment of calm, but was quickly snapped out of it by a wise-ass voice behind her.

 

“Where's my shirt?”

 

Kim turned around and faced Trini, and her breath caught in her throat. Instead of her usual ensemble, Trini wore black pinstripe pants, a white short-sleeve button up shirt, and a thin black tie. She looked amaze-balls in Kim's precise opinion. “Still don't know what you're talking about.” Kim crossed her arms stubbornly. No, she wasn't giving the shirt back. As much as she loved seeing it on the other woman, she liked wearing it herself more.

 

“Why the hell are you always wearing your leather jacket? It's June??” Trini challenged.

 

“Because. I like it,” Kim answered, ignoring the jab. She wasn't going to say it was because it was a part of her image and she liked maintaining that. Even if it made her sweat.

 

“Whatever,” Trini replied with an eyeroll. “Also Jason is here with some dude.”

 

“Probably Billy, his boyfriend,” Kim said. “I'm surprised, Billy doesn't like going to bars.”

 

“Jason...has a boyfriend?”

 

“Yeah. Two years now.” Kim frowned. “Why?”

 

“N-no reason. Just...didn't realize.”

 

Kim studied Trini, tried to figure out the meaning behind that, but she pushed it away with a shake of her head. “I should warm up.”

 

“Okay. Break a leg and all that crap.” Trini turned and left the room.

 

During her break between the two parts of her show Kim sat at the bar, but instead of Trini spending most of her time standing there talking to Kim, Zack kept her company from the stool beside her. Jason and Billy eventually made their way over and sat at her other side, and the four talked and laughed throughout the half hour. Kim was happy that her boys seemed to like Zack and get along with him, and when she had to return for her other set she left the three together at the bar. She was slightly disappointed she hadn't gotten any time with Trini, but she tried to push that away.

 

While she performed, she kept glancing up towards the bar, and each time she would find Trini watching her intently, and each time Trini would catch herself being watched and turn around to busy herself. Kim could feel a headache coming on from it all. She had planned on ending the show with a Jason Mraz cover, but instead she again played the original song she had the previous week. It was barely even intentional, the song just started to come from her guitar on it's own, and she went along with it. When she did catch Trini's gaze during the song, Trini didn't look away. She just held Kim's eyes and had something completely unreadable in her own. Kim finished the song and half heard the applause as she continued to stare at Trini. It took a minute longer, but eventually Trini turned away, and Kim blinked back to life to smile and thank the crowd.

 

Kim put her guitar away before going back to the bar. The three guys were still talking and laughing, and she sat at Billy's side at the end. He gave her a grin and a thumbs up and she returned them both, but looked over her shoulder for Trini. She didn't see her anywhere and that made her frown.

 

“Would the star like something to drink?” Tommy asked, stepping over. He gave her a grin. He seemed like a really nice guy, and he was incredibly handsome. He wasn't Trini by any measure, but Kim couldn't lie and say she didn't like to look at him. She gave him a small smile back.

 

“Sure. Vodka and cranberry? Also, have you seen Trini?”

 

Tommy shook his head. “She said she had some stuff to do and left. But lemme get that drink.” He gave her a wink and turned to make it, and Kim drummed her fingers to the top of the bar.

 

So Trini left. After that...moment. Of course she did. When Tommy passed her the drink, Kim downed it in one go. “Can I have another?”

 

“Sure thing,” he said with another grin.

 

“Kim...are you okay?” Billy leaned his head over to ask. He looked at her with concern in his eyes. She nodded as she took the second drink and started to chug it. “Are you sure? Because you're drinking awfully fast, and you look-”

 

“B, I'm good,” she assured him. “I'm great!” She patted his back and he flinched but nodded. “Are you having fun?”

 

“Oh. Well, it is a bit loud in here, and I'm not sure we should be here since we're not sapphic women, but Zack is nice and your music was great as always,” he said.

 

Kim laughed. “I know it's loud. I'm sorry I can't do anything about that. And you guys are fine here as long as you're not disrupting the other women from having a good time.” She paused, she usually basked in people telling her she was good, but from Billy, it just warmed her heart. “Thank you. I'm glad you came to hear me play.”

 

“You're welcome, Kim. That's what friends do.” He smiled before turning back to see what Jason and Zack were talking about. Kim looked for Tommy and saw he was helping another customer, and she waited until she could get his attention for a third drink. Drinking was what felt right at the moment.

 

“Yo, Kimmy!” Came Zack's voice from down the line. Kim leaned over the bar top to look down at him. He was also leaning over the bar and he had a smirk on his lips. “Did you scare away my best friend?”

 

“No!” She shot back immediately. “I don't...she just left. I didn't do anything!”

 

“Sure,” he said, clearly not believing her. He had a knowing look in his eyes, like he was privileged to something that she didn't know. Or like he knew something she did know. Did he know? No, he couldn't. He was Zack. But he was also Trini's best friend. Her ride or die. Maybe he knew what had happened that night. If he did though, wouldn't he be upset with her for saying something so stupid? Why did he have that cocky smile on his face?? What did he know??

 

Kim forced herself to calm down. She took a deep breath and looked for Tommy again. He soon appeared in front of her, hands on the the bar, and gave her that grin. “Another one?”

 

“Please,” she said desperately.

 

“I might have to cut you off soon,” he warned, and there was something playful in his warning. Kim ignored it.

 

“I'm fine, Tommy. I just want another drink.”

 

“Okay. One more, coming up.”

 

Kim was somewhere in her fourth drink when the boys left. They tried to get Kim to leave with them, but she was adamant that she staying. She wanted to wait for Trini to get back. Not that she told them that. She just assured them that she was fine and she'd get home okay, and Jason made her swear to text him when she did. She nodded, saluted, and went back to her drink. Billy had hovered uncertainly until she promised him she was fine, and accented it with a big smile. He accepted that and followed Jason out. Zack tried to stay behind with her, but she didn't want to talk to him. She had a feeling it wouldn't be a good conversation, and she really didn't want to hear any more teasing from him. So he left too, and Kim was on her own. She slowly sipped at her drink and watched as the bar started to clear out, and with a look at the time on her phone she sighed. Maybe Trini wouldn't be coming back. Not while the bar was still open at least, and Kim didn't feel like waiting around all night. No, if Trini was avoiding her then let her. Kim didn't want to deal with that. She grumbled to herself and started to get up, but immediately sat back down. She was definitely drunk. Had she eaten dinner? She couldn't even remember.

 

A presence was suddenly at her side and she looked up to see Tommy waiting there. “Come on,” he said, holding out a hand. “I'll help you get an Uber.” She nodded and got to her feet again and let him support her when she couldn't quite walk on her own. “Will you be okay getting inside when you're dropped off?” He asked in concern. That concern warmed her and she gave him a little smile.

 

“Yeah,” she said. “Just...need to get there.”

 

He nodded and took her weight as she leaned on him more, and he called across the bar. “Kya, can you keep an eye on things? I'll be back soon.” The dark-skinned woman with long braids behind the bar nodded, and the two walked to the exit and out the door. When they did they nearly collided with someone. It was Trini. Trini looked them both over slowly, and her features darkened.

 

“Your shift isn't over,” she said to Tommy coldly.

 

“I know,” he said lightly, possibly not registering Trini's anger. But Kim sure did, and she stared at the shorter woman, willing her to look back. She didn't. “I'm helping our artist here get a ride home,” Tommy went on. “She had a little too much to drink.”

 

“I'll take her,” Trini's words came out in a snap. She went to Kim's other side and tried to take her from the tall, handsome man in green.

 

Kim felt like she was in a game of tug-o-war.

 

“I don't mind,” Tommy said, not letting go.

 

“Get. Back. In. Side. Oliver,” Trini said through clenched teeth. Tommy finally seemed to clue in, and he carefully let go. He patted Kim's side.

 

“Have a good night, Kim,” he told her. Then he nodded at Trini and went inside. When the door shut behind him, Trini turned to give Kim a look.

 

“Why the hell did you drink so much?”

 

Kim blinked slowly. “Felt like the right thing to do at the time.”

 

“Dumbass,” Trini muttered. “C'mon.” She led Kim over to the door to the apartment.

 

“This isn't my home,” Kim said, confused.

 

“No, but I don't feel like dealing with you puking in a car. Plus all your shit is still in the bar so you'd hafta come back in the morning anyway.” She said all this while unlocking the door. “C'mon,” she said again.

 

“Okay, Trini,” Kim said in a dreamy kind of tone. Really, Kim?

 

Trini snorted and helped Kim up the stairs. “You and your damn cranberry and vodka,” she muttered. She got Kim into the apartment and shut the door behind them, then she led Kim over to the couch and sat her down.

 

“This isn't your bed,” Kim said as she looked around, confused.

 

“No shit. But it's where you're sleeping.” Trini knelt down and started to take off Kim's shoes and Kim just watched her, adoringly.

 

“You're so pretty,” she said aloud, though she thought she was thinking it.

 

Trini didn't respond. She just got Kim's shoes off and helped her lay down. “I'll get you a pillow and blanket,” she said. She walked away and Kim stared at the room around her. Where was she again? After what felt like hours, Trini reappeared. She was in her shirt and boxers again, and she held out a blanket and pillow. “Here.” She helped Kim lift her head and set the pillow down, then she spread the blanket across her. “Go to sleep,” she demanded. She started to walk away, but Kim whimpered (something she will never admit she did). Trini came back. “What?”

 

Kim was holding the blanket up. “Stay here.”

 

Trini stared at her for a long time, but then seemed to give in, because she was stepping closer. “Scoot back.” Kim did. Trini lay down in front of Kim and brought the blanket down around them, and Kim beamed. She quickly wrapped an arm around Trini and snuggled against her, resting her chin to her shoulder. Trini felt stiff against her, but Kim ignored that. Or maybe didn't even realize it.

 

“Goodnight, Trini,” she whispered against Trini's ear. She felt Trini stiffen more, but after a moment the shorter woman relaxed completely against Kim.

 

“Night, Kim,” she replied softly.

 

Kim felt Trini's fingers reach for her own and tangle them together, and she smiled as sleep began to claim her. It was the only place she wanted to be.

 

Kim was snoring lightly, and unaware, when Trini felt something crinkling in Kim's pocket near their hands. Kim lay there oblivious as Trini gently reached into the pocket and pulled out a slip of paper, opening it to see a phone number with 'Tommy' and a smiley face. And Kim was too out of it to see Trini ball up that piece of paper and throw it across the room.

 


	5. cause i feel that when i'm with you it's alright (i know it's right)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super anxious about this chapter because The Moms are revealed! And for some reason I had a really hard time getting it out. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Chapter title from Songbird by Fleetwood Mac

_"For you, there'll be no more crying._  
_For you, the sun will be shining._  
 _And I feel that when I'm with you,_  
 _It's alright, I know it's right"_

* * *

 

**v. july**

 

Throughout the following weeks Kim continued to play at the bar, and on the other nights she stayed away more. She needed it. Trini, and being near Trini, was intoxicating her, and not being able to have Trini was making her depressed. She would solve that by drinking more when she was at the bar, and on the nights she had one too many, Trini would deposit Kim onto her couch. Trini would always try to leave Kim there alone, but Kim always pouted her way into Trini sleeping beside her. Typically in her arms. And those were the best nights for Kim.

 

She was a mess.

 

It was Friday and Kim had just come home from Trini's, having been left to wake up alone with Trini nowhere to be found, as per usual, and she had just taken a shower. In the midst of scouring her kitchen for something easy to eat, there was a knock at her door. She went to open it and was immediately face to face with...The Moms.

 

“Ohhhh...heyyy, it's The Moms,” she said, less than enthusiastic.

 

“Uh, try that one more time,” Santana Pierce-Lopez said with one hand on her hip and one finger in the air.

 

“Honey! You look so good!” Brittany Pierce-Lopez rushed through the door to wrap her arms around her only child.

 

“Of course she does, she's a Pierce-Lopez,” Santana rolled her eyes, but then joined in the hug.

 

“Guys, you know I'm happy to see you,” Kim said, letting herself melt into her parents' arms. She closed her eyes and breathed their combined scents in, and just like that she was a little kid again. Her worries and stress drifted out above her, still hanging in the air to remind her they were there, but not weighing so heavily on her heart.

 

“Good,” Santana said, breaking the hug. She tugged her wife back so they could look Kim over properly.

 

“Are you losing weight?” Santana asked critically.

 

“I don't know?” Kim answered.

 

“You're hungover,” Brittany stated.

 

“A little,” she admitted. “How do you always know??”

 

“She's that good,” Santana replied. She pushed past her daughter and into the apartment.

 

“Have you eaten?” Brittany asked, following her wife. Kim closed the door behind them.

 

“No, I was interrupted by two crazies at my door.”

 

“Let's go eat,” Brittany suggested.

 

“Yeah. Does that bar of yours serve food?”

 

Kim blinked and stared at her mothers. They trapped her. “You did not come all the way down here just to force me into letting you go to the bar!”

 

“Force? Nah. But if you're willing...” Santana smirked.

 

“Nope. Not willing.”

 

“We just want to see where you play,” Brittany said sweetly.

 

“Mama, you're the trickiest of them all, and I'm not falling for it,” Kim said, crossing her arms.

 

“Let's just...go wherever Kimmy would like, and after that-”

 

“After that nothing,” Kim cut her Mami off. She got a glare, but she narrowed her eyes and glared back. She could out stubborn either of them.

 

“Okay, okay. Let's just have a nice visit,” Santana said, hands in the air.

 

“Okay,” Kim agreed, still a little on guard. “Krispy Kreme?”

 

“Sure!” Brittany agreed quickly.

 

“ _How_ is that _breakfast_?” Santana asked.

 

“Donuts are proven to be sufficient for any meal, any time of the day,” Kim stated, matter-of-factly.

 

“If that's what she wants...” Brittany said.

 

“Oh fine!” Santana gave in, throwing her hands up. “I hate when you two team up against me.”

 

The three women sat at a table in Krispy Kreme. Crumpled napkins scattered their table top and half drunken cups of coffee (tea for Mama Brittany) sat between them. Kim had her chin in her hand as she listened to her moms talk about home and all the small town gossip that always plagued Angel Grove. She stared back and forth between the blonde and brunette, and she was hit with a swell of love for them.

 

She could remember days in her youth, being an angry, scared teenager, when she resented them. She had hated them at times for making their family so different, and for making _Kim_ so different. When all she had wanted for years was to fit in and be one of the cool, 'it' girls, but couldn't quite get there, because everyone in town knew about her family. They knew how two young girls in love had settled there, and how they had eventually adopted a troubled five year old. There were other times that Kim thought that maybe her previous life had been to blame. She didn't remember it, but her moms had told her that she had been taken away due to an unstable home life and extreme neglect. Maybe that neglect, before she could remember it, had been what caused her need to fit in. She couldn't be sure, but she knew she didn't resent her loving parents anymore. They had only ever wanted the best for her.

 

“Kim! Hey!”

 

Kim looked up and saw Tommy standing over their table, looking between the three seated. Her moms both raised their eyebrows, but Kim ignored them. “Hi, Tommy,” she greeted without much excitement. She didn't know much about the man aside from the fact that he worked for Trini, and for some reason he loved to wear green. She thought maybe that would be the end of the encounter, but he turned more towards her.

 

“Got a second to talk?” He asked.

 

“Sure,” she said. She got to her feet and he led her outside to the sidewalk. She looked up at him. “What's up?”

 

Tommy ran his hand over his head, smoothing down the hairs that didn't fit into his ponytail, and he stared at her with certain intent. “I was just wondering...you haven't called me, and-”

 

“Was I supposed to?” Kim frowned. She didn't even know his number.

 

“Well, I gave you my number that night that you were...well, drunk, and I had hoped you would. I felt like we kind of...connected,” he said.

 

“Oh...” She didn't recall getting his number, but anything was possible. Connected, though? Really? “Look, I-”

 

“If I read the situation wrong-”

 

“It's...I'm not interested?” She tried to be gentle in letting him down. “I'm flattered, but I'm kinda, really, into someone else.”

 

“I see,” he nodded. He looked disappointed. He slid his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts. “It's okay. I'm sorry if I-”

 

“No! Don't be sorry,” she assured him. “You seem really great! And maybe if I wasn't already....I mean, I don't know.”

 

“Well, if that doesn't work out or you change your mind...let me know, okay?” He gave her a tentative smile and small tilt of his head.

 

“Okay, Tommy.”

 

“Maybe I'll catch you at the bar?”

 

“Sure,” she nodded.

 

“Okay, bye Kim.”

 

“Bye.” She gave a half wave and waited for him to walk away before going back into the restaurant. When she got to their table her moms were waiting with smirks on their lips. “Oh god, don't.” She rolled her eyes and plopped into her chair.

 

“Who was that?” Brittany asked.

 

“A dumb boy,” Santana answered for Kim, rolling her eyes.

 

“A dumb boy who _liiikes_ Kimberly,” Brittany teased.

 

“Mom, please,” Kim begged. “He asked me out, I said no.”

 

“Because?” Santana asked, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

 

“Because...I'm not interested?”

 

“Because?” Brittany coped her wife.

 

“Because I like Trini!” She snapped. She looked around quickly as if the shorter girl would suddenly appear at her outburst, and then she looked at her parents again. “Why are you making a big deal about this?”

 

“You haven't acted this way about anyone before,” Brittany said gently. “We're interested.”

 

“Well...dial it back,” Kim said. “Or else I might change my mind about her.”

 

“No you won't,” both moms sang.

 

* * *

 

Kim went to the bar that night after her moms left (but not before they tried to tag along to the bar so they could get a look at the infamous _Trini_ , and were quickly denied), and she settled down on her usual stool. She didn't know if she should be troubled over the fact that she had a usual stool at a bar. With a glance around she was fairly certain that Tommy wasn't working unless he was in the back, and she was grateful for that. She wasn't ready to deal with the awkwardness. However, Trini came right up to her and placed her hands flat on the bar and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Where've you been?”

 

“I had stuff to do today,” Kim answered vaguely.

 

“Mhm.”

 

“What? I did.”

 

“Thought maybe you'd be avoiding us again.”

 

Kim wanted to point out that Trini couldn't talk about avoiding when she was the one that left her own apartment before Kim woke up that morning, but she bit her tongue. She knew Trini well enough to know that it would probably either cause the other woman to slip away or cause an argument. So she shrugged instead. “Can I get a drink?”

 

“Yeah, coming up.” Trini turned to make the drink and Kim took that time to admire her.

 

Trini really was so stunning, and in her own way she was graceful. She knew how to expertly pour a cocktail and make it look so easy. Kim chewed her bottom lip. Those nights she fell asleep with her arms around Trini were the best nights Kim could ask for. The way the smaller girl curled into her, the way her weight felt against Kim's own body, and the natural scent that came off of Trini were all circling in Kimberly's mind. She thought about how hard her heart pounded when they lay together, and how desperate she was to kiss Trini every time. But she felt a barrier, a shield, that kept her from doing so. She always flashed back to the night she almost did and to Trini's words. Even though Kim felt the mutual attraction that was thick as honey between them, she knew Trini didn't want to kiss her, and she had to accept it. She still questioned if she was imagining it all, but every time they lay together she knew she couldn't be.

 

“Here ya go.” Trini slid the drink in front of Kim.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“So what kinda stuff kept you so busy today?”

 

“I, uh, my parents came to visit.”

 

“Oh? That's...cool. Right?” Trini asked. She threaded her hands together and twiddled her thumbs in wait for the answer.

 

“Yeah! I mean, I love them. They can be a lot sometimes, but we have a good relationship.” Kim looked down into her drink and turned the glass around a few times. She couldn't admit to Trini how sometimes they felt a little suffocating, or how in the past she hadn't always loved them quite enough. Not when Trini didn't have her own parents anymore.

 

“That's good,” Trini nodded, and there was a far off look in her eyes.

 

“I'm sorry. Is that awkward for you to talk about?” Kim glanced up again.

 

“What? No. Everyone has parents. Don't need to not talk about it just cause I lost mine.”

 

“Would you tell me more about them one day?” Kim asked.

 

“Maybe. I mean, there's not a lot to tell. We didn't get along. They hated that I'm gay. Pretty much could never please my mother.” Trini's eyes were downcast as she spoke. “But I did love them.”

 

“Sure,” Kim nodded. She wanted to back out of the conversation and take back ever bringing it up. Not when it made Trini look so sad and lost. She never wanted to see Trini look that way again if she could help it. She opened her mouth to say something more, but Trini spoke before she could.

 

“Anyway. Tommy called out tonight so I gotta do some work. Zack should be here soon.”

 

“Okay. Go do what you need to do. I'll be here.” She gave Trini a small smile that was returned, and her heart lit up at it. She watched as Trini gave her a wave and walked off. She groaned to herself and took a long swig from her glass. She was truly hopeless.

 

Kim paced herself as the night went on. Zack showed up and gave her a big bear hug, lifting her off the stool, before he got to work. He stopped by when he could to chat with her about nothing in particular. Trini stopped when she could as well, but they didn't talk quite as much as stared at each other with a few words mixed in. Kim was good and warmed, by the drink and by Trini, by the time Trini appeared at her side later in the night.

 

“I'm gonna go in the back for a bit. Wanna come?”

 

“Okay!” Kim hopped off her stool and missed her footing, but Trini caught her with a laugh.

 

“You dumbass.”

 

“That's Ms. Dumbass to you, thank you.” Kim picked up her glass and strode off to the backroom, leaving Trini to follow. She sat down on the couch when she got there and watched Trini sit beside her. “It's been really busy tonight.”

 

“Yeah. Ever since you started performing we've been getting more business on our other nights, too. You're...like a godsend or something.”

 

“Well, I don't like to brag...”

 

“Yes. Yes, you do like to brag. I can't believe I even told you that,” Trini said with an eye-roll.

 

“Nooo, for real. I'm glad it's been getting busier. I'm happy to help.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You're welcome.” They sat quietly for a little while, before Kim spoke out of nowhere, “Tommy asked me out today.” She hadn't even planned on bringing that up, and she wasn't sure why. They were friends. They could talk about that sort of thing. Right?

 

“He _what_?” Trini spat. Her eyes narrowed and her face heated up.

 

“Yeah, I ran into him when I was out with my parents, and he....well, he asked why I never called him. Like, apparently he gave me his number? But I never saw it. Anyway, then he asked me out.”

 

“What did you say?” Trini wouldn't look at Kimberly then, but Kim was staring at her and trying to gauge her reaction.

 

“I told him no.”

 

“I'm gonna kill him,” she hissed, jumping to her feet.. “He should know better than to ask a customer out!”

 

“Hey! I'm not just a customer!”

 

“He should know better than to ask a coworker out then!”

 

“I mean...asking out a coworker slash customer isn't...a _terrible_ thing, is it?”

 

“Of course it is. It makes things messy,” Trini went on. “What if it ends badly? Then what happens?” She was pacing in front of Kim on the couch.

 

“Then...the two adults in question figure out how to make it work.” Kimberly was nearly certain that they weren't talking about herself and Tommy anymore. “Sometimes you have to try anyway. If it's what you want...”

 

“It doesn't work that way. Things always get messy.”

 

“What if it doesn't? Get messy? What if it works out and both people are happy?”

 

Trini finally looked at Kim at that, and they stared into each others eyes for several beats. Trini almost looked like she was going to relent, but then her features steeled again and she shook her head and looked away. “Not acceptable. I'll have a talk with him.”

 

“I don't think he's gonna be a problem. He was cool when I told him no.”

 

“Did you...give him a reason? You know. To keep him off your back?” Trini asked, and her voice was less sure than it had been a moment before.

 

“I told him I wasn't interested, because I was interested in someone else.” Kim didn't know how she found the courage to say those words to Trini, but once she had she was glad to have them out in the open. Surely, Trini understood what they meant.

 

“Oh. Right. Okay.” She nodded. “I should get back to work.” And she left the small room before Kim could even think about stopping her. Kim leaned back in the couch and groaned. Trini was the most frustrating woman Kim had ever met.

 

And worse than that, she liked it.

 

A couple of hours later Kim pushed her empty glass across the bar top and got to her feet. Immediately, Trini was across the bar from her and looking at her with confused eyes.

 

“You're leaving?”

 

“Yeah. I'm tired, and you guys won't be closing up for a long time.”

 

“But...”

 

“I'll come by tomorrow,” Kim promised.

 

“Wait. It's dying out. Zack and Danny can close up.” Trini went over to Zack and talked to him for a moment. He looked at Kim with a smirk, but nodded to Trini. Trini came back over. “They've got it.” She hopped over the bar swiftly and landed at Kim's side. “Come on.” She linked their arms to go, but Kim was still stood in shock at what she had just seen. For some reason it had been very hot. “Kim?”

 

“Right. Okay.” She nodded and tried to get her wits about herself, and the two walked out of the bar and up the stairs to Trini's apartment. Kim went for the couch like usual, but Trini pulled her back into the apartment and through to her bedroom. “Oh, I'm getting the upgrade,” Kim teased. Trini waved her off.

 

The two slid out of their jeans and shoes before crawling into the bed. Kim turned to face Trini and smiled at her, and Trini smiled back shyly. “Hi,” Kim whispered.

 

“Hi,” Trini whispered back.

 

They stared at each other for a long time. Eventually Trini reached a hand up and brushed her thumb against Kim's cheek. Kim closed her eyes and sighed softly. Trini stroked her cheek for a bit before running her finger tips across Kim's brow. Kim opened her eyes and ran her own fingers against Trini's sharp jaw. Trini's skin was so soft, and Kim wanted to kiss every inch of it. She ran her fingers up the side of Trini's face, feeling Trini shudder beneath her touch, and she combed her fingers through the other woman's hair. Trini's touch was on her neck and down her collarbone, and Kim bit back a moan. It was the simplest of touches, but it drove her wild. Her own hand came down and held Trini's chin while her thumb brushed Trini's bottom lip. Oh, how badly she wanted to taste it. Nip it. Devour it. Trini's eyes were closed, and Kim wasn't sure if she had an invitation or not so she leaned in and kissed Trini at her temple and pressed her lips there.

 

“I'm glad you're not dating Tommy,” Trini whispered hotly against Kim's throat.

 

“Why?”

“Because....I don't want you to date anyone,” Trini admitted, her voice strained.

 

Kim moved her lips across Trini's forehead and place a kiss to the middle of it. “Why?”

 

“...I'm not ready, Kim. I'm sorry.” Trini's voice sounded truly pained, and it cracked Kim's heart to hear. She brought her lips down to kiss the top of Trini's nose, and Trini wrinkled it. Kim smiled.

 

“When you're ready to tell me...I'm here.” Kim understood more then than ever that whatever was holding Trini back had a tight hold. She couldn't break it just because she wanted Trini. She had to simply wait, and be there, and show Trini she _could_ wait. Even if everything inside of her screamed to kiss the woman senseless and worship her body until she gave in. Kim wasn't patient by nature. She didn't wait for thing she wanted. Kimberly Hart took what she wanted and ran usually. But she couldn't do that with Trini. No. Kim could wait. She wanted to wait. She had a feeling that whatever it was between them was something important and big. If Trini needed a friend for the time being, Kim could be that.

 

“Turn over,” Trini whispered. Kim obliged and felt Trini press against her back and wrap her arm around her waist tightly. Kim felt her hair get brushed back, and Trini pressed her lips to the skin behind Kim's ear. “ _Go to sleep, beautiful princess_ ,” Trini whispered in Spanish. Kim shivered. She didn't want to ruin the moment by telling Trini that she knew Spanish, thanks to her Abuela, so instead she hummed and leaned back against the other woman.

 

With Trini holding onto her tightly, and all their words echoing in her mind, (and the alcohol running through her veins) it didn't take long for Kim to fall asleep. She slept well, and she slept hard, and when she awoke the next morning she expected to be alone as always, but to her surprise Trini was still holding her close and snoring softly in her ear. Kim smiled. Maybe things were changing. Slowly. She tightened Trini's arm around her waist and closed her eyes, and she lay there as she listened to Trini sleep.

 

Eventually, Kim felt Trini stir against her. Trini grumbled and shifted, but never let go of Kim. “G'mornin', Pr'ncess,” Trini said, her voice thick with sleep. It was so sexy that Kim was immediately aroused, but she tried hard to reign her hormones in.

 

“Morning, Treen,” she replied, a smile on her face.

 

“Hope you thought 'bout what we're gonna do today,” Trini mumbled into Kim's shoulder.

 

Kim died. (Figuratively, of course.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! What do you think??
> 
> (So my friend and I have an AU we discuss where Brittana are actually Trini's parents, but I thought hey! let's try it the other way around! So there you have it.)
> 
> Don't give up on me. We're getting there, I promise! We're progressing!


	6. i don't know where it is that you've been hiding (but i need you tonight)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! So this chapter has my blood, sweat, and tears. Had a hard time writing this one. I hope you enjoy it though! It has everything; comedy, fluff, angst! Let me know what you think! Chapter title by Holding On To Heaven by Foxes.
> 
> ALSO. BIG EXCITING CHAPTER COMING UP NEXT (It's already over 10,000 words).

_Cause' I'm holding onto heaven_  
_Lights fade but I won't let them_  
 _Oh I'm holding onto heaven_  
 _When I breathe and it's only you_

 

* * *

 

**vi. august**

 

The weeks went by and nothing really changed. Kim grew more and more frustrated both emotionally and physically as the days changed into a new month. It came out in her music as she started playing things with a bit more edge, and to combat all the frustration she would drink, which wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but Kimberly had never been good at that to begin with. She was still the same person that punched her ex-boyfriend. Instead of talking to Trini like she knew she needed to, she talked to Jason. And she talked. And talked. And talked some more. Most of the time Billy was there, too. Both boys tried their best to calm her and talk sense into her.

 

“Kim, why are you telling us all of this when you should just tell Trini?” Jason asked, a question he had asked her several times over. He ran his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair and sighed from his spot on the couch. Billy sat beside him nervously fiddling with the ends of his buttoned shirt.

 

“I really think you should listen to Jason this time,” Billy piped in. “All of his points are excellent.”

 

Kim groaned and sprawled further on the arm chair she sat in. It was in the reclined position and she had one leg danging off the right side, one hanging off the foot rest, one arm draped above her head, and the other hung off the left side of the chair. Her body wiggled with her sigh, showing the utmost frustration. “You guuuuuys,” she moaned out. “You don't get it. If I try talking to her about whatever it is going on between us, I'll scare her off. She'll shut down on me and walk away! I can't handle that! I don't want to make her scared or uncomfortable. I just wanna wait until she's ready to face it.”

 

“And until then, what? You continue feeling confused and pining? Then self-medicate all those feelings with alcohol?” Yes, Jason was on to her. It came with knowing her almost their entire lives.

 

“J...I...” Kim brought the hand from above her head and covered her eyes. “Yes. Exactly all of that.”

 

“But Kimberly, in the meantime you're making us listen to the same statements over and over again,” Billy said. “We care about you and want to help, but this is getting repetitive. What can we do for you at this point?”

 

Kim sat up suddenly and the chair moved. She threw her arms out to steady herself. When the chair appeared to not want to move anymore she leveled a glare at Billy. He shrunk back under it and immediately she felt guilty for doing it. Her gaze softened. “Why can't you guys just listen? Is there a time limit on how long I have to talk about what I'm feeling?”

 

“Of course not,” Jason cut in. “We just want you to feel _better_. We're trying to offer you solutions and you don't want to hear any of them.”

 

“That's because I know the solution! I don't want you telling me what I should be doing, I just want someone to listen!” She enunciated her words with flapping arms that hit the chair each word.

 

“We can do that,” Jason nodded.

 

“Yeah! We'll just open our ears and close our mouths,” Billy added.

 

“Really?” Kim asked.

 

“Really,” both boys chimed.

 

Kim smiled. “That's all I need.”

 

After a beat, Jason spoke up hesitantly, “Can we talk about the drinking though?”

 

“The drinking is not a problem,” she snapped quickly. “End of that discussion.” She patted her belly. “I'm hungry. Let's order five pizzas.”

 

* * *

 

 

**bartender beauty: you comin to the bar early tonight?**

 

**Kim: idk, what will I get?**

 

**bartender beauty: my company**

 

**Kim: And your full attention?**

 

**bartender beauty: some of my attention**

 

**Kim: oh some? Fine. I'll be there early.**

 

**bartender beauty: cool**

 

* * *

 

 

Kim walked into the bar with her guitar case in her hand, and she looked around immediately for the woman that had been on her mind non-stop for days. (Months.) She didn't see Trini, but Zack waved at her from behind the bar. She smiled and waved back. She really liked Zack. She moved through the bar to the back room, and when she entered she saw Trini sitting on the couch playing a game on her phone.

 

“Yo,” she said.

 

Kim smirked and set her guitar down. “Yo back.” She sat down next to Trini and stared at her until Trini put her phone down and looked up at her. “There you are,” Kim said, wise-assedly.

 

“Hey, I'm taking a break. I can do what I want.”

 

“I'm not judging,” Kim said, holding her hands up.

 

“You are,” Trini stated. “I see your judgy eyes.”

 

“These eyes?” She pointed at them and batted her lashes cutely. “These are innocent eyes.”

 

Trini laughed loudly, and Kim died a little inside at the sound. “Innocent? Never, Princess. I will never believe that about you.”

 

“Hey! I was once upon a time. Highschool and being a cheerleader kinda ruined that.”

 

“Another reason to not be a cheerleader,” Trini said, her lip curled.

 

“So why are you hiding back here?” Kim asked, wanting to avoid further talk of her cheerleading career.

 

“I told you. I'm on a break.”

 

“Since when do you take breaks?”

 

“Since I was waiting for you.” The words seemed to slip out of Trini's beautiful lips on their own, because she had a look of surprise on her face when she said them. Kim blushed and leaned over to nudge the other woman.

 

“Oooh, waiting for me?”

 

“Shuddup,” Trini muttered.

 

“You're so cute.”

 

“Don't call me cute.”

 

“But you are.”

 

“I will cut you,” Trini warned.

 

“No you won't. Cuz you were waiting for me.”

 

“I gotta get back to work,” Trini said as she stood. Kim grabbed her arm and tugged her down, laughing, and Trini stumbled into her lap and also laughed. “Oh my god, what is wrong with you?”

 

“Lots of things,” Kim said, wrapping both arms around Trini. “I like you sitting here better.”

 

“Ki-iim, I really do have to go back.”

 

“You don't think they can handle it without you?”

 

“Yeah-well-I mean...”

 

“Just stay for a few more minutes,” Kim pleaded. She even pouted.

 

“Fine,” Trini relented. “But can I sit over there?” She pointed to the seat beside Kim.

 

“Nope.” Kim squeezed her tighter.

 

“Fiiine,” Trini huffed. And after a moment she leaned back against Kim and relaxed, and Kim grinned.

 

* * *

 

 

Kim sat at the bar and sipped at her first drink of the evening. She decided to ignore Jason's words in her head and have as many drinks as she wanted. After all, despite the nice moment they'd just had, Trini still had a mind trip going on Kim. Kim had a little bit of time before she would go on to perform for the night, and she used it to drink and watch Trini run around doing a million different things.

 

“She looks like a chicken with its head cut off,” she commented idly to Zack. He leaned one arm against the bar and watched Trini, too.

 

“Yeah, but she's got everything covered. She's really good at this.”

 

“She must be.”

 

“She's been doing it for years. Even before she had the bar,” he said.

 

“Sounds like it,” Kim nodded. “She had a lot to deal with for a long time.”

 

“She told you about all of that?” He asked, a little surprised.

 

“Yeah. I admire her for it.”

 

“Me too,” he said with a grin. “You don't even know.”

 

Kim smiled and sipped her drink again as he walked off, and she went back to Trini-watching. After a half hour or so she got up and did her thing. She took her usual break in between and had a couple more drinks. She was feeling good. She wasn't as worried about what was or wasn't happening with Trini, and she really wasn't worried about any stage fright. As cocky as she could be, she did still experience that. After her break she played her other set, and as usual everyone applauded her and lined up to tell her how much they enjoyed it. Funnily enough she got the most compliments on a song she had written about Trini. Whether Trini got it or not she wasn't sure. It was all about being confused about their not quite relationship, and feeling like she wanted more. She hadn't actually seen Trini anywhere when she performed it.

 

Once she was able to get away from people she settled back on her stool and Zack slid her a drink.

 

“Keep 'em comin'!” She shouted at his retreating back. He shot her a thumbs up over his shoulder.

 

Kim spent the night much like any other lately. Drinking, talking to Zack, occasionally Trini when she popped by, and she played on her phone texting Jason and Billy. The hours went by, and soon the bar was closing around her. Trini appeared on the opposite side of the bar and leaned against it with a smirk.

 

“Time to cut you off, Princess.”

 

“Time to cut you off,” Kim rebutted.

 

“I'm not the one that's been knockin' 'em back all night.”

 

“So what if I have? You can't judge me, you serve me.” Kim thought she sounded perfectly rational, but Trini seemed to think she sounded very drunk. “Just be glad I'm not crying. Sometimes I'm a crying drunk like my Mami...”

 

“You call your mom 'Mami'? Are you half-” Trini asked, confused.

 

“Indian.”

 

“And...you call your mom 'Mami'?”

 

Kim made a face of something sour. “What? No. I call my mom 'Mom'. Or 'Mama'.”

 

“...okay. So why did you call your mom 'Mami'?” Trini was completely perplexed by the conversation.

 

“I didn't!” Kim threw a hand up in exasperation.

 

“You did! You said your Mami is a crying drunk.”

 

“Because she is!”

 

“Kimberly. Focus.” Trini snapped her fingers in Kim's face, and Kim swatted her hand away.

 

“I am focused! I was talking about my Mami not my Mom.”

 

Trini sighed and tried her hardest. “Okay. So your Mami isn't your mom?”

 

“Yes she is!”

 

“Oh my god, I am walking away,” Trini shook her head and started to leave.

 

“Besides. My Mom is a stripper drunk.”

 

Trini turned around again and walked back over. “You're making no sense.”

 

“You're making no sense,” Kim mocked. “This is why I didn't wanna tell you I have two moms.”

 

Trini's mouth literally fell open and she stared. Then she slapped a hand to her forehead. “That makes so much sense now. God, leaving out details much?”

 

“Like I was saying. I get the crying drunk thing from my Mami...I mean, not biologically.”

 

“And your Mama...”

 

“She's a stripper drunk. If she has enough to drink she'll just start taking it all off,” Kim said with a bit of a shudder. Too many bad memories with that one.

 

“Oh,” Trini said. “And...you didn't get that from her?”

 

“Well there was this one time...but I fell over trying to get my pants off.” Trini started to laugh and Kim huffed. “It wasn't funny! I fell on a table!”

 

“On? Don't you mean off?”

 

“No. I know what I said.” Kim narrowed her eyes.

 

“I'm sorry!” Trini stifled her laughter and shook her head. “So...all this time...why didn't you tell me you have two moms? I mean...look where we are.”

 

Kim huffed again. “Because it doesn't matter! They're just...my parents! Why does it have to be a big deal?” She knew that she herself had made it a big deal, but she wasn't going to think on that for long. “I thought you'd understand, but you're just like ev-” Kim went to get off the stool and fell on her ass instead.

 

“Kim!” Trini jumped over the top of the bar and landed on the floor beside Kim, and she knelt down to help her up. She took her arm.

 

“Ow.” Kim said, sadly.

 

“You know I didn't mean anything by that.” She helped Kim to her feet and made sure that she could stand. “I don't care that you have two moms. I think it's really cool, actually. I just...thought we were getting...close enough to know stuff about each other...I mean, I told you about my parents.”

 

Kim brushed herself off, even if a bit wobbly, and turned to look at Trini. “That doesn't mean I _have_ to share, too. You're not exactly an open book.”

 

“Yeah, I know...I...I just don't get why you wouldn't tell me,” Trini said. “Since it doesn't matter.”

 

“Because it's mine. They're mine.” Kim stared at Trini and was starting to see just one of her again. Her voice was completely serious and sober. “I've fought people trying to take that from me my entire life. People who didn't approve, people who thought it was the punchline to a joke, and so I decide who I tell and when. I'm not ashamed of them.”

 

“I didn't think you were.”

 

“I didn't tell you, because...I was scared of trusting you with them. I know it sounds stupid-”

 

“It's not stupid,” Trini shook her head. “I get it. I really do.”

 

“So...you're not mad at me?”

 

“No. I'm not mad.”

 

“Good,” Kim said with a nod. “Cause I might be sick.” She leaned forward and Trini caught her instantly.

 

“Let's get you upstairs, okay?”

 

* * *

 

 

They entered the apartment and Trini locked the door behind them. “Do you still feel like you're gonna puke?”

 

“No,” Kim said weakly. “But now I'm super sleepy.”

 

“Okay. Bedtime.” Trini led Kim down the hall and into her room, and deposited her on the bed. Kim sat there blinking.

 

“Why do we never go to my place? We always go to your place.”

 

“Because my place is closer,” Trini said, unbuttoning her jeans and sliding them down her slender legs. Kim stared. It wasn't the first time she had seen Trini's legs, but she was still taken by them. All bronze and toned. How did they get so toned? Did Trini work out?

 

“Do you work out?” Kim asked, in a daze.

 

Trini kicked out of her jeans and looked at Kim. She smirked when she realized the other woman was staring. “I do, actually. Where do you think I go in the mornings?”

 

“Hiding,” Kim answered honestly. She felt herself start to sober up between the legs and the conversation.

 

“...yeah, okay. Maybe that, too. But now I go to the gym later,” she pointed out. “Someone has to drag you out of bed.”

 

“You can drag me into bed.”

 

“Kim. Focus.”

 

“I am,” she replied. She was still focused on Trini's legs. There was something so sexy about a pair of women's legs emerging from a pair of boxers.

 

“Eyes up here,” Trini snapped her fingers. Kim looked up to her face. “Good job. I'm gonna go brush my teeth, then you should do the same. All that cranberry juice won't be good for your teeth.”

 

“You just want my breath minty fresh so you can kiss me,” Kim teased. Trini's eyes widened and she quickly left the room. Kim grinned to herself and lay back on the bed to stare at the ceiling. She closed her eyes and must have drifted off, because seconds later Trini was shaking her awake.

 

“Go brush your teeth and get more comfortable, Princess.”

 

“Kay,” Kim replied. She struggled to get herself up, but then she went into the bathroom. She found the extra toothbrush Trini had started to leave out for her, and she smiled over the fact, before starting to brush. After she got her mouth clean she took off her jeans and her bra and folded both to set them on the floor. At her own place they'd be thrown haphazardly, but at Trini's she tried to be neat. She went back into the room. Trini was already laying in the bed, but she left enough space in front of herself for Kim. Kim smiled yet again and crawled into bed with Trini.

 

At first she lay with her back to Trini and felt her fingertips brushing up and down her back. The soothing motion had Kim's eyes drooping shut and she let out a soft sigh.

 

“I'm glad we talked things out,” Trini said quietly.

 

“Me too,” Kim agreed.

 

“And I like that I know more about you.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Mhm.” Trini tugged Kim's shoulder and Kim rolled onto her back and looked over at her. Trini watched her, studied her, and brought a hand up against her face. Her palm brushed Kim's cheek with a feathered touch, and Kim closed her eyes and sighed once more. “You're beautiful,” Trini whispered.

 

Kim felt herself blush. Hearing that from Trini made her bashful. “My face is gross,” she said.

 

“No it's not,” Trini replied. “It's beautiful.”

 

“Says you.” Kim opened one eye at Trini.

 

“Who else's opinion matters?”

 

“Egotistical much?”

 

“Maybe a little.” The corners of Trini's lips lifted, and Kim's eyes were drawn to those lips.

 

“Huh..” Was all she could say.

 

“Kim...”

 

“Uh?”

 

“Kim.”

 

“Trini.” Kim lifted her gaze and saw Trini watching her with a raised brow. “I mean...can you blame me?”

 

“You're such a mess,” Trini said, shaking her head.

 

“You make me a mess,” Kim shot back.

 

“Is that bad?”

 

“Honestly...sometimes it is,” Kim's voice dropped quietly.

 

“Oh.”

 

Kim watched Trini's eyes fall, and her lips twisted down, and Kim felt guilty. Even if it was true. “Hey...I know you're trying your best.”

 

“I am.”

 

“This isn't easy for either of us.”

 

“Guess not.”

 

“Let's go to sleep, okay?” Kim suggested. She started to turn around, but was stopped by Trini's voice.

 

“Kim. Wait.”

 

Kim moved back, and before she could ask 'what?', Trini reached for her face with both hands and leaned in to gently press their lips together. Kim's eyes fluttered, and she couldn't decide if she wanted to keep them open to witness it or let them close. The feelings in her body took over though, and her eyes closed. After that soft peck, Trini pulled away just a hair, and Kim could feel her breathing against her own lips. Then Trini was kissing her again, and that time it was soul shattering. Trini's open lips kissed and massaged Kim's, and Kim could feel her tongue along the parting of her own lips so she opened her mouth, and if her soul had been shattered before her whole world was then. Trini's tongue brushed hers and the kiss quickly got hot and sloppy, and so very wet. Kim threw an arm around Trini's shoulders and hiked her leg over Trini's hips, and she pressed herself as close as she could as she met every move Trini made. She heard Trini moan, felt it through their kiss, and it made her moan. They finally had to break for air, and all Kim could feel was Trini's hot breath panting into her still open mouth.

 

“Oh fuck, Princess,” Trini moaned out. She ran a hand along Kim's thigh and pulled it closer against her. Kimberly was very aware of their positioning and whose what was where, and she felt sweat start to coat her back. She felt herself growing wet and aching for Trini, and with a small thrust of her hips she reclaimed Trini's lips. Trini's hand was in Kim's hair, pulling and kneading it, and Kim's hand moved down Trini's back and grabbed a handful of her ass. She heard Trini grunt, and that only turned her on more.

 

Kim never wanted to stop kissing Trini. Never before had kissing gotten her so fired up, and she was ready right there and then for everything. She felt Trini's teeth pull at her bottom lip and behind closed lids her eyes rolled back. Trini kissed the edge of Kim's lips, then her cheek and her jaw, and then Trini was pulling Kim's ear lobe into her hot mouth, and Kim let out the longest moan yet.

 

“G-gotta stop...” Trini whispered into her ear. “Fuck. Kim, your...” Trini grabbed on to Kim's hips and stopped their movement, then pushed them back to ease Kim away. She tried to pry Kim's leg from her hip, and only then did Kim start to process what was happening. She pulled her body away from Trini's, still panting hard and a little confused, and she looked at Trini with question in her eyes. “Not yet,” Trini muttered, her own breath still hard. “I'm sorry.”

 

“...no. No, it's okay.” Kim nodded and ran the back of her hand over her own mouth to dry it. “That...that all happened kinda fast.”

 

“Yeah. It did.”

 

Kim brushed her thumb against Trini's cheek and gave her a smile. “It's okay.”

 

“Thank you, Princess.”

 

“You don't have to thank me.”

 

Trini flopped onto her back and opened her arm for Kim. Kim snuggled into it and lay her head on Trini's chest. “Yes, I do.”

 

Kim decided to let that argument go. She closed her eyes, and when she remembered what had just happened she smiled. Trini had kissed her. Finally. And it had been worth every moment of waiting.

 

“Goodnight, Princess,” Trini said with a kiss to the top of Kim's head.

 

“Goodnight, Trini....see, you did want my breath minty fresh.”

 

“Go to sleep, nerd.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Kim awoke the next morning she had every intention of curling herself around Trini until she got another kiss, but she rolled over and discovered the bed was empty beside her. She flopped onto her back and sighed, an arm stretched out in Trini's vacated spot, and she realized that she should have expected it. After what had happened the night before, of course Trini wasn't there.

 

Kim lay there for awhile alternating between resigned and annoyed, and she finally settled on annoyed. She sat up too quickly and grasped her head as it ached. Right. Hangover. With a low whine she reached for her phone on the bedside table and brought it in front of her face so she could text the missing woman.

 

**Kim: where are you?**

**Kim: not cool Trini. Not cool.**

 

She got up and went to put on her jeans and bra, then pocketed her phone and went into the kitchen where she got a glass of water. Did she want to wait for Trini to come back? No, she had tried that once and she had ended up waiting hours and still there had been no Trini. It was probably best she leave.

 

Kim pulled the door shut behind herself and walked downstairs. She decided to try the door to the bar, but it was locked. Whether Trini was in there or not was anyone's guess. So Kim did the only thing left to do, and she went home. But the entire time she kept checking her phone for a reply. By the time she got home she was angry again, so she called Trini's phone, only to be sent to voicemail after the second ring. She rolled her eyes.

 

_“You got Trini.”_

 

“Trini I-will-find-out-your-middle-name-soon Gomez,” Kimberly said into the phone. “You suck.” And she hung up and left it at that. She wasn't expecting Trini to call her back or even text her. She knew the woman well enough by then. But she _wanted_ her to do one of those things. She wanted Trini to acknowledge their kiss and how amazing the moment had been. There was no way Trini couldn't want more after what that kiss had been.

 

The best first kiss in Kimberly's life. No, the best kiss period in her life.

 

Kim groaned and went to take a hot shower. She was in there for a long time alternating between internally whining over the situation and muttering foul words about Trini. None of which she meant, of course. After her epicly long shower she changed into sweat pants and a pink, spaghetti strap tank top, and she curled herself up on the couch. Her head still ached. She quickly fell asleep.

 

She was woken sometime later by a knocking on her door. She ignored it in hopes the person would go away, but the knocks continued. She knew it wasn't Jason, because he would be shouting through the door at her to get off her lazy ass and open up, and she knew the sound of Billy's knocks. With a grumble she got herself to her feet and walked over, and she yanked the door open. It was Trini.

 

“Oh, hi,” she said.

 

“Hey,” Trini replied, rocking on her heels. “Can I come in?”

 

“I suppose.” Kim stepped back to let her through, and she caught sight of her messy apartment. She wanted to be embarrassed, but Trini knew her. She was sure it wasn't a surprise.

 

Trini had only been to Kim's apartment once before, but she stepped in and looked around like it was the first time. She had her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and she was nodding her head slowly. “So...”

 

“Where were you?” Kim asked.

 

“Had stuff to do.”

 

“ _Stuff_. Really?” Kim's voice was flat. What bullshit.

 

“Sorry,” Trini said in a small voice. She turned around to face Kim, but didn't really meet her eyes.

 

“And you expect me to just accept your apology?”

 

“Not expect, no. Hope?” Trini raised her brows with that hopefulness.

 

“We have to talk about it,” Kim said.

 

“I know...but can it wait?”

 

“How long, Trini?” Kim's arms flew out at her sides. “How long until we can talk about what this is?”

 

“I...I don't know,” Trini said, her eyes falling to the floor again. “I...need a little more time.”

 

Kim sighed. She knew there was something Trini struggled with when it came to whatever was happening between them, but she just wished Trini would _talk_ to her about it. She knew better than to push harder for that though. Maybe she should have. Maybe she shouldn't have let Trini get off the hook again, but Kim didn't want to be mad at her. She just wanted them to be...them. She closed the door and grabbed Trini's hand and tugged her over towards the couch. “Fine. But you're gonna be my pillow and I'm gonna sleep some more.”

 

Trini smiled. “Okay.”

 

They got to the couch and Kim made Trini sit down, before she lay down and settled her head in Trini's lap. “This almost makes up for it,” she mumbled into Trini's knee. Trini started to slide her fingers through Kim's hair and massage her scalp, and Kim nearly purred. “That helps.”

 

“Good,” Trini replied.

 

Kim felt herself start to drift off, and she sighed out sleepily, “We're gonna have to talk eventually.”

 

“I know.”

 

* * *

 

 

Kim was awoken to the sounds of a guitar strumming, and what surprised her more, to the sound of singing.

 

 _Something in the way she moves_  
Attracts me like no other lover  
Something in the way she woos me  
_I don't want to leave her now_  
You know I believe and how

 

It was Trini singing. Kim opened one eye, her face smooshed into the couch, and she spotted Trini sitting on the floor with Kim's guitar in her lap. She was playing it so carefully, as though she would break it if she weren't, and she watched her fingers as they strum. She continued to sing.

 

 _Somewhere in her smile she knows_  
That I don't need no other lover  
_Something in her style that shows me_  
I don't want to leave her now _  
_ _You know I believe and how_

 

Kim's heart pounded in her chest. Could Trini possibly be singing about her? And when the hell did Trini start playing guitar? How had she not told Kim before then? Oh, wait, it was Trini. She didn't tell Kim a lot of things. But Trini was a good singer. Her voice was melodic and sweet, and it had Kim falling for her all over again.

 

 _You're asking me will my love grow_  
I don't know, I don't know  
You stick around and it may show  
I don't know, I don't know

 

She couldn't take her eyes off of Trini. Watching the other woman close her eyes and really get into the song, it felt like she was pouring everything she couldn't say into the lyrics, and Kim's insides felt like crying. She saw Trini's head start to lift and she quickly closed her eye so it looked like she was still sleeping.

 

 _Something in the way she knows_  
_And all I have to do is think of her_ _  
_ _Something in the things she shows me_

 

 _Don't want to leave her now_  
_You know I believe and how_ **  
**

Kim listened to the song fade out, listened to Trini hold that last note and let her voice echo around the apartment, and all Kim wanted to do was open her eyes and dive into Trini's arms. She knew, though, that Trini hadn't intended her to hear it. Trini was confusing as hell, but she also was transparent in that she had a hard time talking about her feelings. To sing about them to a conscious Kim would have meant mountains being moved.

 

But it meant something. It did, didn't it? Trini wanted her. Kim was sure of it. Not that she hadn't been with that kiss, but in that moment she was even more sure. She knew she had to do something to break down that last barrier between them, because Trini never would. She had to find out what was holding Trini back and see if she could fix it in some way. She was willing to do that for Trini, because she cared about her. A lot.

 

She heard Trini put the guitar away, then felt her settle on the couch again by Kim's head. Trini gently pulled Kim's head back into her lap and started stroking her hair again. Kim felt like she was deceiving Trini in a way by pretending she was asleep, but she told herself it was for the better. She'd give it a few more minutes until she 'woke up'.

 

* * *

 

 

In the days that followed, Trini was hard to get a hold of again. She didn't respond to Kim's texts with anything more than an 'okay' or 'i'm okay', and she didn't take Kim's calls. When Kim was at the bar, Trini was always too busy doing something. Usually it was errands that kept her out of the bar at the same time as Kim. And Kim? Kim did not like to be ignored or pushed away. Maybe it was an only child thing, her craving for the attention to be on her, but Trini avoiding her quickly made her mad.

 

When she had finally stirred on her couch that day when she heard Trini sing, Trini had pretty quickly made an excuse to leave. Kim had been hurt then, too, but she was trying to give Trini leeway. She was trying to be understanding.

 

But she had been understanding for quite some time, and she just couldn't do it anymore. Her impulsive anger took over.

 

“Fucking hell, Trini!”

 

Kim caught Trini in the backroom at the bar late one afternoon, a week after their kiss and the song, and she knew she took Trini by surprise because the shorter woman jumped and spun around.

 

“Kim! God, you scared me.”

 

“We need to talk.” Kim's hands were at her hips and her eyes were set in a cold glare.

 

“Now really isn't a good ti-”

 

“It's gonna be now.”

 

“Okay...what's up?” Trini tried to look innocent and cute, but Kim saw past that. She wasn't going to fall for it. (Even though Trini did look really cute that day.)

 

“What's up? _Seriously_? What's up is that I've been trying and waiting and not saying the things I want to say to you, all because I know you don't want to talk about it! But we have to talk about it! We've been dancing around this for months! I sleep in your bed! We kissed!! Doesn't any of that mean anything to you?!”

 

Trini backed up close to a supply shelf and looked at her feet. “I, uh...yeah, I mean...it does.”

 

“So why do you keep running from me? Why do you keep _avoiding_ me?!” Kim moved in closer to Trini.

 

“It's...it's not so easy, Kim.”

 

“You're making it not easy, _Trini_.” Kim watched Trini flinch at her sharp tone and she inwardly smirked. “You're gonna have to tell me what you want here.”

 

“Don't...” Trini said softly. She looked up, her own gazed hardened over, but still soft in a way. “Don't force this.”

 

“What's the alternative?! Wait a few years until you're ready?!”

 

“You can't do that, Kim. You can't _make_ someone talk if...if they're not ready.”

 

“What? Does that make me selfish?” Kim shrugged. “Maybe I am. But so are you.”

 

“You don't understand.”

 

“Because you won't tell me!”

 

“I'm not ready!”

 

“Then maybe you shouldn't have kissed me! Maybe you shouldn't have sung that song to me!” Kim clapped a hand over her mouth. Trini stared at her, her eyes widened, and a flash of hurt crossed her face.

 

“You...were awake? You were awake and you let me...you weren't supposed to hear that.”

 

Kim's hand fell and she stared at Trini for a long tim before speaking. “I know. God forbid I know your feelings.”

 

“It was private,” Trini said.

 

“If it were private you wouldn't have done it in my apartment right in front of me,” Kim said with an eyeroll. “Give me a break.”

 

“...please give me some more time, Kimberly,” Trini said softly.

 

“I don't know if I have any more to give,” Kim answered honestly. She surprised herself with the words, but deep down she knew they were true. How much longer could she keep it up? How much longer was she _expected_ to keep it up?

 

“Kim.”

 

Kim took one more step closer to Trini. She was close enough to reach out and touch her, but she didn't. Instead she tilted her head to the side slightly and lowered her voice. “Do you want me or not?”

 

Trini turned her head to the side and stared at the wall, and Kim could see from her profile that her eyes glistened with tears. Trini swallowed deeply, and Kim watched the air go down Trini's throat. “I'm not ready.”

 

“Okay,” Kim nodded.

 

“If you just-” Trini whipped her head back to look at Kim, but was cut off.

 

“I can't just. I can't be around you,” Kim said, her voice breaking. “I'm...crazy about you, and it's too hard to play this back and forth all the time. So, I-uh, I won't be coming in on Thursdays anymore. And I won't be coming in any other days.”

 

“No, wait-”

 

“I need space away from you.” Kim knew how cruel it sounded, but she had to look out for herself. Her own feelings had gotten so intense that she was eating, sleeping, breathing Trini, and she couldn't do that anymore. Not if Trini wasn't willing to meet her in the middle. “Please don't cont-” She took in a sharp breath. “Contact me.”

 

“Kimberly.” Trini stepped forward and reached for Kim's wrist, but Kim held it away from her. “You don't have to do this.”

 

“Yes, I do. For myself.” Kim ran the heel of her palm over her cheek, wiping away a tear she didn't realize was there. “If you make up your mind...well, I can't promise I'll be waiting, but you can try.”

 

“Please,” Trini pleaded. “I...”

 

“You, what? Tell me something that will keep me here,” she almost begged it. “Tell me why you aren't ready. Tell me...what you feel for me...”

 

Trini opened her mouth, but then closed it after a moment. She looked down again.

 

“That's what I thought,” Kim nodded. “I”ll see you around, Trini Gomez.” She turned on her heel and started to leave.

 

“I'm sorry,” Trini called after her. Her voice sounded so dejected and broken, and all Kim really wanted to do was turn back and wrap her arms around her tightly, but she knew that wouldn't help herself. It wouldn't change anything.

 

“Me too,” she said, as she continued out the door and into the bar. She walked by Diego fixing one of the bar stools and gave him a wave. He smiled big and waved back. Trini didn't follow her. So Kim kept going, and she walked straight out of the bar.

 

She kept walking, and she walked, and she walked. The tears had started blocks ago, but she ignored them and let the wind dry them on her cheeks. She walked until her feet and calves ached, and she didn't even know where she was going until she ended up in front of a door. She brought her fist up and knocked lightly, and in a moment the door swung open and Jason smiled at her.

 

“Kim! Hey!” Then his smile fell. He saw how she looked. “What happened?” She didn't answer. She just stepped forward and threw her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to his chest. “Kim? ...Kim?”

 

**vii. october**

 

Kim found a new bar to play in. She played twice a week instead of one, and the crowd was larger than at _Saphically_. She enjoyed it, and she made good money, but it wasn't the same. The audience wasn't the same, the atmosphere wasn't the same, and the owner wasn't the same. All of which were obvious facts, but Kim felt that difference every moment that she was there. It didn't feel comfortable in the same way. It didn't feel like _her place_. Zack wasn't there shouting encouragement constantly. He did come support her when he could, but she missed him always being there. She missed seeing the twins' bright smiles all the time. Billy didn't like going to the new bar. It was too loud and too crowded. Jason came to see her, but it wasn't enough. And the most glaring difference of all was that Trini wasn't there. Trini didn't visit her in the back before she went on, and Trini didn't tease her about her drink of choice. There were moments during Kim's performance where she would actually catch herself looking over to the bar, half expecting to see Trini there smiling at her, only to be let down when she wasn't there.

 

Of course Trini wasn't there. That was the entire point. And Kim still felt firm in her decision to step away from it all, to step away from Trini, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. That it didn't ache all throughout her being. She had made a decision and she was stubbornly sticking to it. Even though doing so had broken her own heart.

 

“Okay, guys, I've been working on some new ones for you, so I hope you like it,” she said into the microphone. Her smile was barely there, and it didn't reach her eyes. With one last glance towards the bar she started to play, and she pushed away her thoughts of Trini, just as she had been doing for the past two months. She hadn't been enough to break down those remaining walls of Trini's, and Kim knew she needed to accept it and move on. Eventually she would be okay.

 

Right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was the best part of this chapter? I do try to reply to all comments when I can.
> 
> Want to follow me on tumblr? Mine is a mess of stuff and not all fandom, so I'm taking a big leap putting it out there, but sometimes I talk about my writing, so you can follow if you want. I'm 5ivebyfive. Drop on in.


	7. (interlude) daughters sharpen their knives and they hunt for food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, SURPRISE, it's a Trini chapter!! 
> 
> It's also 24,000 words. Basically doubling the length of my story in one chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is my baby. It's been on my mind since the beginning, and I've been working on it for a couple of weeks now, trying to make it perfect. I really, really, REALLY hope you enjoy it. I really just love her and her story so very much. Please, please let me know what you think! 
> 
> Content Warning for death, talk of death, and grieving. It's a heavy chapter.
> 
> Chapter title from So Afraid by Janelle Monae.
> 
> If I got any of the Spanish wrong, I sincerely apologize. Let me know and I'll fix it.

 

 

 

 

 

_"And I'm afraid_  
_Ah, I'm so afraid_  
_Ah, what if I lose?_  
_Is what I think to myself_  
_I'm finding my shell_  
_I'm afraid of it all, afraid of loving you_

 

_I'm a gift and a curse to the wilderness_  
_When the leaves only turn to brown"_

 

* * *

 

 

“Miss? Did you hear me?”

 

_Trini is five years old. She runs and jumps into her Papí's arms and lets him hug her tightly. She's squirmy. She's dirty from head to toe. But her Papí is a miracle man, and he doesn't care. She looks up at him lovingly, and he smiles back and ruffles her hair. “Go play,” he tells her. “I have to go inside and see Mamí.” They both know she's going to be mad that he's late, but neither say it. She runs back to her favorite tree and starts climbing it, and she's grinning._

 

_Trini is nine. Her parents have just told her she's going to have a little brother or sister, and she's Not Happy. She doesn't want to share their attention. It's tight as it is. Papí works all the time, and Mamí is always angry about something. Mamí doesn't play with her. Mamí throws her toys and books around and yells at her to clean up her mess. She thinks her Mamí loves her. Sometimes her Mamí tucks her in at night and kisses her head and tells her “Te amo, hija”. How can she share this with someone else? What if they get the attention she strains so hard to receive?_

 

_Trini is ten and she has two new brothers. It was bad enough that she was going to have one, but then she ends up with two. They're wrinkly and all they do is cry or sleep. It's not as exciting as everyone had promised it would be. Mamí and Papí hold her brothers all the time. They look at each other with happy eyes and smiles, and they forget all about Trini._

 

_Trini is twelve. She thinks her friends Jemma is very pretty. She likes playing at her house and getting hugs from her. Jemma's parents are nice and give Jemma presents even when it's not her birthday or Christmas. A part of Trini wants to hate Jemma, but she just can't. She's too pretty and nice. Trini spends all of her time around Jemma, outside of school and inside of school, but then one day Jemma decides they can't be friends anymore, and little Trini's heart breaks into millions and billions of pieces. She goes back to school and sits alone, and she watches as Jemma befriends the new girl instead._

 

_Trini is fourteen and she is scared. She thinks Cara is really pretty, and she wants to kiss her like people do in movies. She doesn't know why she thinks about that, and she hates it about herself. She hates a lot of things about herself. They're all things her mom says about her all the time, and she doesn't quite understand the depth of that. She hates that she's unorganized and messy, and she tries so hard to stay organized. She hates that she doesn't know what to say to people sometimes and stays quiet instead. She hates how angry she gets. Her little brothers don't deserve her yelling at them when they get in her way, or because they want her to play with them. Her mom yells at her for yelling. Her mom expects her to help take care of her brothers, and she does. She makes their lunches, ties their shoes, and helps them clean their room. Her Papí is never home except for dinner, and her mother expects them to all be perfect. To talk about their days. To have good things to say about their days. Trini never does. She's picked on at school. Her classes are hard, even though she makes good grades. She works hard for her grades. And Cara. She can't tell them about her. That's Trini's secret. It's a word Trini can't think. Not of herself. She can't be._

 

_Trini is sixteen and she is G-A-Y gay. She kissed Lola at a party, and it was all she wanted to do anymore. She thinks girls are pretty and perfect, and she wants to hold hands with one. Kiss one. Hug one. Maybe more. She's gay. And she absolutely cannot be._

 

_Trini is seventeen and getting ready to leave for college. She just graduated, and despite making honor roll, her mom wasn't impressed. After all, she should have been making honor roll every year. Trini's been packing for days. Her father took her to buy things she needed, and her mom yelled at them that they spent too much money. Trini rolled her eyes behind the woman's back. Trini knows her mom has problems. Anger. Depression. But they aren't things that Trini can fix, and despite knowing that her mother is struggling and has been, Trini still resents her. She wishes she had grown up with a different mother. Maybe a more attentive father, too._

 

 _She's packed, the car is packed, and she's more than ready to jump into the next phase of her life. They're having dinner the night before she and her father are supposed to leave, and she tells them. She tells them what she hasn't been able to tell them for years. What she didn't even know was what she was feeling for a long time. She tells them, and her mother looses it. The boys have already finished and are up in their room, and Trini is glad. Though she knows they can hear their mother. She's loud. She's furious. She's telling Trini how wrong she is, how she can't do this to their family, to her mother. She talks about sinning, even though they've never been a particularly religious family. That word keeps getting thrown around, and Trini wonders if she's supposed to be afraid of it. Her father says nothing. He sits and eats his dessert like a volcano isn't exploding around him. Trini resents him, too. She had once been such a Papí's girl, and he was supposed to protect her from everything. Even his wife. But he can't. He is too afraid of the woman himself. Trini is sent to her room to think about her actions and reconsider herself. She doesn't. She doesn't want to reconsider who she is, because it's who she is. She knew her parents wouldn't accept it to begin with, and here she is proving herself right. She can't wait to get away. She can't wait to go live a better life on her own. College will surely be so much better than living at home with_ them _. She feels bad about leaving her brothers alone with it all, but her mother has always given them more slack. Has always loved them more. Trini shrugs it off. She can't change it. She's getting away, and that's all that matters. Maybe she'll never even return-_

 

“Miss?”

 

Trini looked up at the officer and blinked slowly. “Yeah...”

 

“Did you hear what I said?”

 

“Um,” she cleared her throat. “Y-yeah....where are my brothers?”

 

The officer squinted his eyes at her, as though expecting more, and he squeezed the hat that he held against his chest. “The Department of Children Services has placed them in a temporary home. Just until a relative can take them.”

 

“I'll take them,” she said firmly. “I'll go back a-and take them.”

 

“We're reaching out to your aunt and uncle-”

 

“ _No_ ,” she snapped. “They're my brothers.”

 

“But you're young-”

 

“I'm eighteen. That's old enough, isn't it?”

 

“Well, you can discuss that with DCS, I'm sure,” the officer said. “Do you want me to drive you back?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Do you need to pack anything?”

 

“No. I'll...worry about that stuff later,” she said. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest. “I have to get my brothers home first.”

 

“Okay then. Right this way.”

 

Trini followed the officer across the campus and ignored the people that stopped to stare. She didn't care about any of them anymore. She didn't care about her free life at college, or how great it had been. She only cared about getting home to her brothers.

 

Her parents were dead.

 

Her parents were _dead_.

 

How was she supposed to feel about that?

 

 

It turned out that Trini couldn't get her brothers until the next morning, at the earliest. There would be a process. So she sat in the quiet, empty kitchen of her family home and stared at the walls. She could still hear all of the yelling and feel the judgment. The house was thick with the memories of it all. The good ones that she could barely recall from her early years, and the harder ones from later on. She tried to gasp in a breath, but it got caught in her lungs. She gripped onto the edge of the kitchen counter and tried to breathe in again. It came a little smoother. She felt her eyes burn with tears to shed, but instead of falling they continued to burn and weigh heavily on her eyelids. She gasped again, and there was a knock on the door. She wanted to ignore it. She didn't want any false sympathies from neighbors, or food, or condolences. She wanted to be alone.

 

The next knock was louder and pounded again and again. Her phone started to light up, but before she could look down at it, she heard a voice.

 

“T! T, it's me! I know you're there!”

 

Zack. The only thing at home, her brothers aside, that she had missed. She was up on shaky feet and moved to the door. When she pulled it open and saw her best friend, her lifeline, she felt everything hit her at once. She let out a howl and crumpled, and Zack was through the door, slamming it shut, and caught her just before she hit the floor. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, and Trini sobbed. Her whole body shook, and everything was hot and choking, and she didn't think it could ever stop. Her parents were gone. Her Mamí and her Papí. And no it had never been ideal with them, and no, she hadn't spoken to her mother since that fight before she left, but they were her _parents_. They had been far from perfect, and at other times she would have said otherwise, but she loved them. And just like that, an instant, they were gone. Stolen from her before she could really ever know them.

 

Zack just held her. He didn't try to tell her it would be okay. He didn't try to shush her. He held her and let her get it all out. Trini gripped onto Zack's, then wet, shirt and cried into him. Tears rained down her face, and she hiccuped and gulped, and it was the ugliest crying she had ever done, but she couldn't pause enough to care and she knew Zack never would. Zack rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.

 

“They're gone,” she cried out. Her head started to shake back and forth. “No...no,no,no....”

 

“I know,” he murmured.

 

“Didn't w-[hiccup]-want this!”

 

“I know,” he said again.

 

“Th-they....were my p-parents....” Zack said nothing, but continued rubbing her back. “Th-[hiccup]- there was supposed to be t-time!” She was growling a scream. “To...f-fix us!” She started to claw at his shirt, and she hit him. “It's wrong!” She sobbed loudly.

 

“I wish you'd had more time with them,” Zack murmured. “I'm so sorry this happened.”

 

“God, Zack...” She hit him again, then just held on as she cried. She cried for a long time, and he didn't move. She cried so much, so hard, that eventually she passed out. Zack lifted her up and carried her to her room to lay her on her bed, and he took off his shoes and crawled up to wrap himself around her and hold her tightly.

 

“I've got you, crazy girl,” he whispered into her hair.

 

 

Trini made more phone calls the next morning. Between calling relatives and friends to tell them what had happened, trying to figure out how she was supposed to plan the funerals, and calls about how to get the boys home, she was quickly getting fed up. She learned that she would have to file paperwork to officially dictate that she wanted guardianship of her brothers. The social worker that was in charge of the boys, Juliet, told Trini she would also have to file for a temporary emergency guardianship. This would get the boys home sooner, even if it didn't make it final.

 

So Trini took off the clothes she had been wearing since being at school, and she took a hot shower to wash everything away. She stood under the spray for a long time and tried to slow the millions of thoughts running through her head. It was the first time in a long, long time that she thought about how much she wanted her mom. She wanted an adult to hold her hand and guide her through what she was supposed to do, because she had no idea. She got out of the shower and got dressed in nice black jeans, a simple yellow top, and she tied her hair back in a ponytail. She wanted to look like she had it together, even though she didn't.

 

Zack was already up and dressed, and after downing some toast he got in the car with her to go to the courthouse.

 

“Do you need help with the...you know, funerals?” He asked, semi-casually, as he drove. (After everything, Trini was hesitant to get behind the wheel, or even sit in a moving vehicle, but her brothers were more important.)

 

“I don't know,” she mumbled. “I talked to my Tía for awhile, Isa, and she and my Tío are flying out, as soon as they can get a flight, to help. I'm hoping she takes over all of that so I can focus on this.”

 

Zack nodded. “Makes sense. Well...whatever I can do, tell me. I mean it.”

 

“I know you do,” she replied.

 

 

Zack joined her as she filed the first set of papers that she needed to file. She was told she would need to give copies to all invested parties before anything could begin. Once she did that, and the process began, she could file the emergency papers. So with her head held high, Trini left. She and Zack made copies and she hand-delivered the papers to her parents' lawyer (which she didn't even want to think about having to pay for), and Juliet. She couldn't think of who else would need them, but she held onto the extra copies just in case.

 

They returned to the courthouse and filed the emergency paperwork, and then they returned to the house. Juliet had promised she would bring the boys over for a visit. Trini hated that it meant they'd still be staying in a foster home, and she could only hope whoever was caring for her brothers were treating them right.

 

Immediately upon getting home Trini had to get on the phone with her parents' lawyer who wanted to go over their estate and will. He said normally it wouldn't be such an immediate need to discuss, but seeing as how there were minors involved, he wanted to deal with it as soon as possible. Trini told him to just tell her over the phone, but apparently he couldn't do that. She set up a meeting with him for the following morning.

 

Trini killed the half hour she had by googling information on guardianship, and emailing all of her professors to explain what had happened. She didn't really have any intention on going back, but she would deal with that later. Finally it was time, and she and Zack went outside to stand in the front lawn and wait. A silver sedan pulled up in the driveway, and before it was fully stopped the doors flew open.

 

Danny and Diego burst from their social worker's car and careened up the yard to tackle Trini. She laughed and wrapped an arm around each of them and held them close. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was going to be their guardian. It wasn't a matter of older sister responsibility, but a matter of want and need. She wanted and needed to keep them and love them and make the world okay for them. Make the world _better_ from them.

 

“Did you guys have a good time?” She asked them, getting up and taking each of their hands.

 

“It was okay,” Danny said with a frown. “There were lots of kids there.”

 

“It was cool!” Diego shouted. “Like a party!”

 

Trini shook her head, but smiled at the typical responses from each. “I bet it was.” She led them inside and didn't miss the look they shared. They were having a silent twin communication that they had always had. Juliet quietly followed them inside, and Trini closed the door behind them all. “What?” She asked finally.

 

“Wh-where's Mamí and Papí?” Danny asked tentatively. Diego shot him a look. Trini froze. She thought they had been told. She hadn't considered she would have to do it.

 

The boys ran and threw themselves on the couch. Zack helped ease the moment by greeting them. “Double D!”

 

“Zack!” They chorused. Zack went to the couch and lay down on it, across both boys. The boys started laughing and trying to push him off. Trini was still frozen by the door.

 

“Yo, T! What's up?” Zack asked. He looked at her with a critical gaze. He had been fantastic to Trini ever since she came home. He hadn't left her except to go home and check on his mom, but he always came back quickly. She took a breath and gave him a nod to come over to her. He got up and did so, leaning close.

 

“I...I don't know if I can tell them,” she said, panicked.

 

“Yeah you can,” he whispered. “You're the person they trust the most now. It's best they hear it from you.” He looked over his shoulder at the twins as they started up the X-Box. “Do you...want to tell them now?”

 

“I think I have to,” she nodded, still looking shell-shocked. “Talk to them at least.”

 

“You want me to go?” He asked.

 

“No.” She reached down and gripped his hand quickly. “Don't. I can't...not alone.”

 

“Okay. You just lead the way,” he said. He gave her hand a squeeze and she nodded.

 

“Boys,” she called out. “Before you start that game...can you sit on the couch for a minute?”

 

Diego and Danny looked at each other, then slowly got up and moved to the couch. Their heads hung. Trini walked over, leaving Zack behind her, and she knelt down in front of them.

 

“Guys...do-do you know...why you're staying at that place?” She asked.

 

They looked at each other again. Diego shrugged and Danny bit his lip. Diego looked at Trini and pointed at Juliet. “That lady told us there was an accident,” he said quietly. Diego never did anything quietly.

 

“And?” Trini pushed.

 

“Mamí and Papí are gone,” Danny whispered. He lifted his head and had tears streaming down his cheeks. “We thought they'd come back for us.”

 

“But they're not gonna, are they?” Diego asked. He wouldn't look at Trini.

 

“No, Dee, they're not,” Trini said, her voice betraying her calm manner and straining.

 

“Are they...d-dead?” Danny asked, his shoulders shaking.

 

“I'm sorry, Dan.” Trini felt tears escape and roll down her cheeks. “They are.”

 

Danny launched off of the couch and into Trini's arms, and Trini held him tightly. Diego watched for a moment before running upstairs and slamming the bedroom door shut. Trini wanted to go after him, but she knew she had to give Danny attention, too. He was always the more sensitive of the two.

 

“I can go try to talk to him,” Zack offered.

 

“Thank you,” Trini nodded. She watched him go up the stairs, then returned her focus to the little boy in her arms. She rubbed his back and kissed his head, much like Zack had done for her. “I'm sorry, boo,” she said softly. “I know how much it hurts.”

 

“Dead isn't supposed to be a real thing,” he hiccuped. “It's for games and movies!”

 

“I know,” she agreed. “But it is real, and we're gonna be okay. I promise, Danny. I'm gonna make sure you're okay every single day.”

 

“Are they gonna make us go away again? Are they gonna give us a new Mamí and Papí?”

 

“You do have to stay there a little longer, but I'm gonna get you back. And I'm gonna take care of you forever.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I swear.”

 

Eventually Diego came back down and gave Trini a long hug, but he broke away to return to the X-Box with Danny. The boys played it their whole visit, and Trini didn't mind. She just watched them have fun and laugh, and it made her smile. Maybe one of her only smiles of the day. Of the past two days. Saying goodbye was difficult. Both boys threw fits about wanting to stay with her and not go back, but Trini promised them it wouldn't be forever. She was sure Juliet was glaring daggers at her for making promises, but she didn't care. She would have her brothers back, and they would be a family again.

 

She kissed them both and sent them on their way, and as the door closed she felt her heart tear into three pieces.

 

 

Trini didn't cry anymore after that first night, but Zack still slept with her all the same. On the nights that he could leave his mother, that is. And every time he wrapped her up tightly in his arms and held her until she fell asleep. She didn't sleep well those first few nights. She had nightmares a lot. That is when she could fall asleep. Most of the time she was worrying too much about Danny and Diego, and she was planning things in her head, and stressing over how she could possibly do it all. Sometimes she used Zack as a sounding board, and sometimes she kept it all in. Most of the time she kept it all in. It's what she did best.

 

Her Tía Isabelle and Tío Nicolas, her father's sister and her husband, arrived the evening after the visit with the boys. Not wanting to disturb either her parents room or her brothers, they stayed at a nearby hotel. That first night they were there the three poured over the internet and made notes for morning phone calls, and they started to arrange the funerals. Tía Isa insisted Trini help as she would know what her parents would want. She didn't know how to tell them that she was the last person that would know. They didn't know about her sexuality or how it had driven a large wedge between herself and her parents. She had a feeling they wouldn't care, and would support her regardless, but it didn't feel like the time to talk about it. She just hummed in response and did what she could. She asked them about paying for it all, and they insisted they'd take care of it. That was a huge relief for her, and she thanked them endlessly.

 

The funerals came and went, and Trini tried her best to stand tall for her brothers. They both gripped either of her hands and cried silently the whole way through. She hadn't even wanted them to attend at first, but Zack was the one who told her that they needed it for closure. They needed to really know and understand what was happening. The best that they could as eight year olds.

 

Trini felt a deeper affection for Zack every day. He was there when she was angrily calling the courthouse about her guardianship, and he was there when she started throwing and breaking things in the house as she screamed at her dead parents. She was angry that they had left her and the boys, and she was angry that they hadn't prepared her for something like this.

 

The yelling and breaking was set off initially by her visit with her parents lawyer, Alpha, the day after she'd first seen the boys. He began by explaining that their will was incomplete. They had planned on adding more to it once they talked it out and decided on some things. What they had decided on though was that their finances be split three ways, that they be creamated, and that their house and its belongings be left to Trini. Alpha explained that there could be trouble changing the mortgage over and they'd have to fight it a little. He also suggested she sell the house and use the money to buy something smaller. She refused. _When_ she got the boys back, she wanted them to have something familiar to come home to. She wanted them to have their home. Alpha argued that Trini wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on her own, but she didn't listen. She would find a way. She already knew she needed to get a job to support her brothers. He relented for the time being and said he would start working on getting the mortgage switched. He also said it would take some time for the money to come through. Trini was okay with that. She knew her parents weren't rich, and she wasn't expecting much. But as it was, she needed to go to the bank and try to set up two savings accounts for the boys and sort out whatever accounts their parents had for their college funds. When the life insurance money came through, she planned on putting some of it away for both of them. Alpha also brought up the fact that they needed to start the process of suing the other driver, if she still wanted to do so, as he was drunk when he slammed her parents into a guardrail. She hated that man, whoever he was, and she did want to sue him. Knowing he was locked up until his trial wasn't enough.

 

But what pissed Trini off the most? There was no mention in the will of who would take her brothers if anything happened to her parents. No, that was what they were undecided about, and they had let it go for too long.

 

Trini left Alpha's office angry, and when she got home, and Zack asked her how it had gone, she started to yell. And then she started to break things. Her parents' things. Things that were technically hers then, but she didn't care. She had too many feelings that she had to let out somehow.

 

“WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?” She screamed, throwing a vase at a wall. “An unfinished will!?” She grabbed a picture of the whole family and threw it at the wall, too. The glass inside shattered everywhere. “Did they not think?? Did they not care?!”

 

“People don't expect to go,” Zack tried to say, his hands in the air. “They probably thought they had more time.”

 

Trini laughed bitterly. “I WISH WE ALL HAD MORE TIME!” She grabbed a lamp and managed to pull hard enough for the cord to come free, and she threw it a little too close to Zack's head. He jumped out of the way. “THEY FUCKING LEFT US WITH A MESS,” she roared. Her hands clenched at her sides, her face was red from exertion, and she glared at Zack. “They should have finished their goddamn will!! What if I wasn't eighteen!? What would have happened then!? We'd all get shipped off! We'd probably get separated! Is that what they wanted??”

 

“I'm sure it's not,” Zack's voice was placating as he tried to bring calm to the room.

 

“THEY LEFT US!” She screamed again. She felt her chest heaving painfully, and she could feel the sting of tears behind her eyelids. “They left us,” she spoke normally. “Just...got in their car...and didn't...didn't come back.” Her voice was strained, and she sunk down and sat in the middle of the room. “They didn't tell me what to do....they didn't say I could have the boys....they just... _died_. They died, Zack.”

 

The tears started to fall down Trini's cheeks, and Zack watched her for only a moment before going over and sitting beside her. “I'm sorry, crazy girl,” he said. He put an arm around her and she fell against him, closing her eyes. “I doubt that they wanted to.”

 

“They should have always been prepared...they...” Trini wiped her face with the back of her hand. “They never forgave me for being gay, and....I resented them so much.” She sniffled. “All I wanted was to be accepted and when they wouldn't...I was cold. I ignored them.” Trini wiped her face again, but the tears kept coming. “Papí and I spoke once since I left for college, and I...I was mean? I...I didn't say 'I love you' before we hung up...”

 

“Sssh, no. Trini, you can't beat yourself up. You didn't know this was gonna happen. You couldn't have. They were shit to you, and your mom...like, I know she had her issues, but she instigated it all. It's okay that you were angry with them. You were the child, they were the parents. They should have fixed it.”

 

“I know!” She sat up and pushed him away. “They should have fixed it before they left and they didn't! Now I'll never know if...if they could have loved me again, and accepted me,” she said in a small voice.

 

“They loved you,” Zack said firmly. “You are amazing, and kind, and they loved you, crazy girl.”

 

“It never felt that way.”

 

“Never? Never in your life?”

 

Trini thought about it, and a small smile came to her lips. “When I was little, before the twins were born, my Papí would play airplane with me in the backyard and fly me around...then he'd hug me tight and kiss my cheeks...he'd tell me I was his favorite person in the world....” Trini's tears had stopped falling, and they were drying stickily on her face. “And my Mamí...sometimes she'd let me help her clean or cook....she'd tell me how to do everything, and really let me help. I burned my fingertips on the stove once, and she held them under running water while I cried....and she sang to me.” She looked at Zack with clear eyes and an amazed smile on her lips. “My mom could sing...did you know that? She was a beautiful singer...and...some days I'd know she was in a better mood, because she'd be singing in the kitchen in Spanish while she worked. And it would make me so happy....not just because I wouldn't get yelled at all day, but because...because she sounded so happy, and because it felt comforting. Oh god, I'll never hear that again..” The crying started again in full and she held her face in her hands as her shoulders shook. Zack leaned his head into her shoulder and rubbed her back.

 

“I wish I'd heard it,” he said softly. “I'm sure it was beautiful.” Trini didn't reply, and Zack didn't expect her to. He just sat beside her, kept close, and rubbed her back while she let it all go. It was only the second time she had cried since her parents passing.

 

 

The court sent an investigator to talk with the boys' teacher, and their coach, and any family friends that she could find. Then she knocked on Trini's front door and asked to speak with her Tía and Tío, having learned they were in town. Trini wanted to do whatever she could to help, to come off as amiable, so she called her Tía and soon sent the woman to their hotel. Not before the woman gave Trini her card with a frightening smirk on her lips.

 

“Rita Repulsa,” she said, and everything about her sent chills down Trini's spine. Rita said she was meant to be impartial, but Trini had a bad feeling about her. She watched Rita walk away and climb into her green car before driving away. Zack appeared at her side.

 

“Who was that?”

 

“The woman who could fuck up my life,” she answered dryly.

 

Rita returned that evening. She said that the court wanted to push the case through quickly so that the boys could settle in somewhere. As she said it her eyes darted around the room and a look of distaste showed on her face. It was like she was afraid she'd catch something just by standing in their living room. Trini knew they weren't rich, and their house showed it, but they weren't filthy either. She thought their home was...homey.

 

“Well. Let's not drag this out any longer,” Rita said. She walked over to the couch and sat on the very edge of it and stared at Trini. Trini quickly walked over and sat in her father's old Lay-Z-Boy. She folded her hands between her thighs and waited. “DeeDee, what makes you think you can raise those two young, impressionable boys?”

 

Trini felt like she was in school again, being hounded by a cross teacher. Or that she was on trial. She cleared her throat though and tried to give a thoughtful answer. “My name is Trini,” she said softly, nervously. She licked her lips. “I've been raising my brothers their whole lives. I was the live-in nanny, free of charge. I know them. I know what they like and what they hate, and I know how to handle them. They're my little brothers and I would do anything for them. Anything.” Trini felt proud of herself for her answer. Rita seemed to disagree. She snorted lightly and made some notes on her yellow legal pad.

 

“Tell me about yourself. What are your plans for your education? Are you dropping out? What is your social life like? Late nights? Parties? Boys?” Rita asked this all with a creepy smirk on her lips and a raised, sculpted brow. Something about her looked plain evil.

 

“I'm not sure what I'm doing about college right now,” she admitted honestly. “I'm taking it one step at a time. Right now, no, I don't plan on going back. I'm going to drop out for now. I'd like to go back, so maybe when the boys are more settled or a little older I can take online classes. My priority is to get a job that I can support them with. As for my social life, I don't have much of one. I have a best friend who I know will help me if or when I need it. And boys...aren't really a problem.”

 

She must have said the last part with just a little too much disdain, because Rita moved to the edge of her seat. “Really? Not a problem? In what way?”

 

Trini wondered if she should say, because she wasn't sure if that would affect anything. In the end she decided to keep it to herself. “Dating isn't important to me right now. As I've said, all that matters is my brothers. They come before my social life.”

 

“I see, I see,” Rita hummed. “Do you really think your brothers would be better off with you than with a loving family who can give them whatever they need?”

 

“They _have_ a loving family,” Trini snapped. “I'm only one person, but I'm their family. And we have extended family. They won't be alone.”

 

“How moving,” Rita said dryly. “Well. I do think I've heard enough.” She stood up and extended a bony hand. “It's been a pleasure, DeeDee.”

 

“Trini,” she corrected, eyes narrowed.

 

“Oh, silly me.” Rita's smirk grew and she leveled her bright green eyes at Trini for a moment too long to be anything near comfortable. Trini stood and tried not to shrink back.

 

“What happens next?”

 

“I have one more person to speak to and then I'll let the judge know what I feel is right for those poor boys. The judge will call a hearing and ultimately decide whatever he or she thinks is right.”

 

“Okay...” Trini crossed her arms tight over her body. “Well...thank you,” she said in an attempt to be polite.

 

“No. Thank _you_.” Rita turned on her heel and walked straight out the door, letting it slam shut behind herself.

 

Trini fell back in the chair and covered her eyes and groaned loudly. She had a bad feeling she had royally fucked it up somehow. She could only pray that the judge not listen to that creepy old wench.

 

 

It was really hard for Trini to be alone in the house. Even with Zack there all the time. It was hard knowing her brothers were just minutes away in some foster home that they didn't even like. Danny said there were too many kids and it was always loud. Diego said the foster mom hated him. Trini didn't know if that was true or not. She hadn't met the foster family. Every time she saw the boys it was because of Juliet bringing them to the house. Trini knew they preferred that anyway. They got to be in their own home, with their own toys and electronics. Those were the moments that Trini felt better than she had the entire time. Having her brothers home, where they belonged, and close to her – it was everything.

 

The hearing finally came around. Juliet brought the boys home to get dressed, and Trini made them wear their nicest clothes. Black pants, blue button up on Danny, pale yellow button up on Diego, and shiny black shoes. Trini fought with the ties for almost half an hour before Zack showed up and quickly tied one around each boys neck. He high fived them and Trini shook her head. She got the boys in the bathroom and brushed their hair out, then made them both brush their teeth. They complained that they already had that morning, but Trini didn't care. Her brothers would have clean, sparkling teeth, dammit.

 

Zack was also dressed up for the ordeal. He wore all black with a silver tie, and Trini thought he looked very handsome. For Zack. She left the three sitting on the couch with specific orders not to move (she couldn't trust any one of the three not to mess themselves up), and she ran upstairs to her own bathroom to look at herself in the mirror.

 

Just the day before Trini had forced Zack to go to the mall with her so she could buy something really nice to wear. She wasn't any happier about going than he was, but she had to. Nothing she owned felt right. She dragged Zack through four different stores before finding something that did. And that said a lot considering what it was.

 

Trini smoothed down the creamy yellow dress that covered her body and stared at herself in the mirror. She couldn't even remember the last time she wore a dress. Even for the funeral she wore black pants and a black blouse. But that dress....that dress could make her look.... _normal._ It was a loose fitting tunic dress that fell just below her knees, with short sleeves and a moderately cut neckline. Trini paired with it her mother's pearls with matching earrings. A part of her felt wrong taking them, but she had to remind herself that her mother no longer had any use for any of her jewelry. And technically they were hers then anyway. Trini had done her make up so that it was light and barely there, and she had brushed her hair out to hang at her shoulders.

 

As she stared at herself she felt like she was looking at a stranger. She didn't look like herself. She didn't feel like herself. She closed her eyes to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she opened them again her only thought was that she looked completely wrong. She grabbed a ponytail holder and pulled her hair back into a single ponytail. She stared at herself a little longer.

 

“This is the best you'll get,” she whispered to herself.

 

“Crazy girl! We gotta go!” Zack shouted up the steps. She felt her heartbeat start to race and her anxiety spike, but she knew she had to power through. She wasn't going to take anything for her anxiety when she was about to meet with a judge. Even if it wasn't an actual trial; it felt like it. She did some breathing exercises and ran down the stairs in the black heels her mother had always tried to get her to wear more often. She nearly tripped and fell, but Zack caught her.

 

“Easy does it,” he said gently. “This will be okay.”

 

She looked up into his eyes, her own fearful and worried and his wise and knowing, and she was ashamed of how her voice almost squeaked. “How do you know?”

 

“Because you're great, and you love those goobers, and the judge has to see it.”

 

“Thanks, Zack.”

 

“It's what I'm here for.”

 

“Triniii, my tie is too tight,” Diego whined.

 

“I don't wanna wear mine!” Danny called across the room.

 

Trini rounded on them both. “Your ties are fine and you're wearing them. Now. If the judge asks you questions how will you answer?”

 

“Tell the truth,” Danny said first.

 

“And be polite,” Diego muttered.

 

“And?”

 

“Say Sir or Ma'am or Your Honor,” they chorused.

 

“Good,” she nodded. “Come give me a hug.” Both boys groaned but walked over to her and put their arms around her waist. She rubbed their backs. “Te amo, hermanos” she said. “Whatever happens today, don't forget that.”

 

“We love you, too,” Danny replied.

 

“Yeah, what he said,” said Diego.

 

Trini shook her head with a smile. “Okay I think we're read-” She was cut off by Zack glomping onto the three of them and hugging them all tightly.

 

“I love you guys, too!” He cried out. The boys stated laughing and trying to shove him off, and Trini started laughing because of them. “Now we're ready!” Zack threw a hand in the air. “Let's go!”

 

 

Trini stood outside the courthouse after the hearing to get some air, and she closed her eyes as she thought of everything that had happened just moments before. She thought of how terrified she felt when Judge Zordon came into the room, despite the fact that he told them it was an informal hearing. He was still a judge and could decide things about her entire life.

 

 

They all listened to Rita talk about how she didn't think Trini was fit to take care of two young boys. She supported it with information from people that barely knew her, talking about how cold and withdrawn she seemed. Rita talked about how Trini barely got along with her own parents, and how Rita had learned that Trini didn't know. Rita stated her opinion that the boys wouldn't have the things they needed to grow up and have good lives. She told the judge that living under the care of their sister could only further their pain. She said an eighteen year old girl, all alone, had no idea how to raise children. She asked what kind of life the boys would have when they were relentlessly mocked over the fact that their sole provider was gay.

 

That was the moment that Trini had to stifle a cry of surprise. Who the hell had told Rita that? Who had betrayed her? Who else even _knew_?

 

Rita went on to give ridiculous statistics on children raised by gay parents, and Trini was sure she had made claw marks through the fabric over Zack's knee. He didn't seem to mind if his own clenched fists were any indication. After dragging Trini and her sexuality through the dirt Rita had gone on to say that the people she thought should take the boys were their aunt and uncle. They could provide a stable, loving home with two parents, even if that home was halfway across the country from where their real home was.

 

Trini had glanced to her Tía and Tío, curious if they had gone behind her back and given an interest in taking the boys, but they looked as surprised as she felt. Isa looked over at Trini and shook her head slightly, and Trini let out a breath. It was just more of Rita's insane ramblings.

 

After Rita spoke, Judge Zordon asked to hear from Isa and Nic, who both said wonderful things about Trini. They said they weren't going to get in the way of the kids staying together, but they would help out in any way that they could.

 

Then the judge spoke to Trini. He asked her the same general questions that Rita had, and she answered them honestly and with all her heart. She told him how much she loved her brothers, how she had always been willing to do absolutely anything for them. She told him how she had helped raise them when her father wasn't home and her mother wasn't stable. She told him that when she had heard the news about her parents, her first reaction was to get to her brothers, and since they lost their parents all she could think about anymore was their well being. She told him she had a plan. To get a job. Get the boys back to school. Establish routines. She would put money away for their college funds, something their parents had only started, and she would put everything into making sure they had a good life. She argued that there was no one better to take care of them than their own sister, who knew them and loved them. She also argued that her being gay had no bearing on her ability to raise them. What did it matter? Unlike Rita had suggested, Trini wasn't going to bring girls home. In fact, Trini wasn't going to date. She declared that to Judge Zordon right there. Dating was nothing compared to having her brothers with her.

 

And then Judge Zordon asked her, “Trini, what happens if one day you begin to resent your brothers for robbing you of what could have been?”

 

Trini's eyes steeled over and her jaw set. “I won't, Your Honor,” she said. She wasn't her mother after all.

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Because I didn't have any big dreams. I didn't know what I wanted to be. I just...” Her voice shook, and she tried to power through, but wasn't so sure she could. “I wanted...” A sneaky tear slid down her cheek.

 

“What did you want?”

 

“To get away from my parents. But leaving my brothers was harder.” She swiped a quick hand across her cheek. “And I understand the irony of that, but that was the only thing I wanted. And now they're-” Another tear fell, and another, and Trini balled up her fists until her nails were biting into her palms. “They're gone. And my brothers and I...we need each other. Now, the life I dream about is raising them and seeing them grow up. I want them to have the kind of home I never felt that I had. Supportive, loving, and people who are really _there_ for each other. That's...that's all I want now, Your Honor.”

 

Judge Zordon nodded gravely and folded his hands together. He bowed his head in thought for a moment before looking up. “At this time I'm going to dismiss everyone and speak to Danny and Diego. It's easier for children usually to talk without a roomful of people.”

 

Trini turned and was immediately engulfed by Zack's arms, and she fell into him thankfully. She sniffled and tried to compose herself before pulling away and wiping her face. She gave him a smile and walked over to the boys, crouching down to see them better. “Okay, guys. You're up. Just remember what we talked about and everything will be okay.”

 

“What if we say the wrong thing?” Danny asked, eyes wide and scared.

 

“There is no wrong answer. Just the truth. You tell Judge Zordon what you feel, and where you think you want to live, and it'll be okay. You won't hurt anyone's feelings no matter what you tell him,” Trini assured them.

 

“We can do this,” Diego nodded, taking his brother's hand.

 

“There you go,” she smiled. She stood up. “I have to go outside now, but I'll see you guys real soon.”

 

 

Trini let out another long breath as she remembered all of it. Her heart was racing, and she was terrified.

 

“The little dudes are done,” Zack's voice came up behind her. She turned around to face him. “They're with Isa and Nic on one of the benches. They look like they're good.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. The judge is taking some time to think of his ruling. Do you need anything? Maybe some water?”

 

“...yeah, okay. Water would be good.” She nodded.

 

“Okay, I'll be right back.” He went inside and Trini turned back around to watch all the people milling about.

 

She couldn't help but wonder what they were going through; who they loved that they worried they would lose, what they thought their lives looked like from this day forward. Trini didn't know what hers looked like if she didn't get her brothers. It looked bleak and lonely, and not a life Trini wanted at all.

 

She must have been daydreaming for longer than she realized, because soon she heard Zack behind her again.

 

“He's ready, crazy girl.”

 

Trini looked back at him and he had her bottle of water in his hand, holding it out, but he also had worry in his eyes. “Huh?”

 

“The judge is ready to see everyone.”

 

“Oh....okay,” she said. She took the water but didn't open it, and she followed Zack into the building and down the hall. She saw her brother with their Tía and Tío, and the boys ran over to her to hug her. She smiled at that, but was still in a bit of a daze. “Come on, guys.”

 

“Should they be in there for this part?” Isa asked, worriedly.

 

“Yes,” Trini answered simply. They deserved to hear what was about to happen with their life.

 

 

“This is a difficult case,” Judge Zordon said to them all minutes later. “I've heard compelling arguments from everyone on what should happen to these two young men, and it seems like everyone has their best interest at hand. That is the best that I can ask for.

 

“Trini. You appear to be a very bright, caring young woman. I admire how you have helped shape your brothers and how they have so much respect for you. I believe that you love them fiercely, and that you believe with all of your heart that you can raise them on your own. I question that. The fact of the matter is that you are still very young yourself. Just barely eighteen. You didn't seem to have much of a drive towards life before this unfortunate incident. You don't have a lot of support close by. In fact, much of your community don't know you at all. You're said to not be very sociable, and I fear that could prevent you from making ties that will help you in raising your brothers.

 

“With that being said, in these types of situations I heed most to that of what the children in question think and want. Your brothers love you, Trini. Very much. They seem to want nothing more than to live with you. I think it will be very difficult. I think you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I also think that family should not be separated if we can avoid it. You do have some support to help you, and at this point I think it is the solution that will bring the most happiness to everyone involved. Especially after having lost so much. So, Diego, Danny, Trini, my decision is to let you stay together-”

 

Trini jumped out of her seat and almost whooped (she was certain Zack did), but Judge Zordon held up his hand.

 

“However. We are going to start with a six month trial period. If after or within that time you prove that you cannot handle this responsibility, we will move to find better placement for the children. Is that understood?”

 

“Yes, Your Honor,” Trini said, standing for a moment. She sat back down, on the edge of her seat. The boys were gleefully nudging each other.

 

“After that six month period, we will meet back here and make it official. I do hope we meet again for happy news. Everyone is dismissed.”

 

Trini jumped to her feet and grabbed her brothers and pulled them into her arms. She kissed the tops of their heads. “I love you guys!”

 

“Oh my goood,” Diego said, rolling his eyes. “Is this what it'll be like forever?”

 

“Yes. Get used to it,” she answered. Then she spun around to give Zack a fierce hug. “Thank you, god, thank you so much.”

 

“I didn't do that much. You should thank my mom, though.”

 

Trini pulled back and looked at him with a frown. “Why?”

 

“On one of her good days she dictated a letter to me to deliver to the judge. She figured you needed one more character witness who was on your side.”

 

Trini started to tear up again. “I can't believe she did that.”

 

“We believe in you,” he said simply with a shrug. “Time for you to believe in you, too.”

 

 

Bringing the boys home felt incredible to Trini. She watched them run through the front door, drop their bags in the entryway, and tear up the stairs, and she only smiled. Their mother would be yelling at them to get their things off the floor and to put everything away, but Trini figured the bags could stay where they were for the time being.

 

 

The first week went by in a blur. Happy as they were to be home with her, the boys tested her a lot. Tío Nic said their attitudes could also be them dealing with their loss in the only way they knew how, acting out. Trini hoped it didn't last long. She had enough to deal with. Endless phone calls still from friends and relatives, job searching, and working out all the bills so that they were in her name. There was also the small business of officially dropping out of school and going to collect her things. Her Tía and Tío stayed in town the first couple of weeks to help with the transitions, so they stayed with the boys while Zack and Trini drove to the campus to move her out. She had to say some goodbyes while she was there. Her roommate, Emma, who she had really liked, the girl she had almost started to date, Aisha, and a couple of new friends she had made. She had been surprisingly happy at college, and as they pulled away she felt wistful. Not only had she lost her parents, but she had lost that life that she had started that finally made her happy. She wondered what that version of herself would have gone on to do. Openly dated a girl, done well in her classes, and maybe gone on to find her passion and pursue it. That Trini had had limitless opportunities, but the real Trini had limitless responsibilities.

 

Her mind went from topic to topic in the time it took to drive home, and Zack was kind enough to stay quiet and let her think. She made lists in her head of everything she needed to do, and those things she needed to get done while she still had her Tía and Tío's support close by.

 

She knew she needed to sell her father's car. It was newer and nicer than her mother's van, and while she didn't really want to drive a van around for the foreseeable future, it made more sense to keep it and sell her dad's. She chewed on her lip and wondered how much she could get for it, and how long that could keep them going if she didn't get a job right away. She'd get Nic to help her with that, because she had no idea what was involved in that.

 

She had no idea what was involved in a lot of things she needed to do. Including raising two eight year old boys. What did she do when one of them was sick? What if one of them really hurt themselves and the judge decided she wasn't fit to be their guardian? What if they needed help that only a father could provide? She glanced to Zack in the passenger seat, his gaze out the window, and she wondered if he would step in. Would it be too much for her to ask him to? How far would his 'I'll do anything' really go? And would she actually call on him for it?

 

The rest of the drive was much the same with her over thinking everything, and before she knew it she was pulling the van into the driveway. The bumps woke up Zack, who had fallen asleep against the window, and he stretched his long limbs and looked at her with a smile.

 

“Home again, home again,” he said.

 

“Jiggity-jig,” she sighed, staring up at the house.

 

 

Trini hadn't been sleeping well. Not since she came home and all the drama with the boys began. She had nightmares of death, of her parents being just out of her reach to hold onto, and later nightmares of her brothers being torn away from her arms. She would wake up sweating, in tears, at how real and raw it had felt to watch her brothers get dragged away.

 

Zack stayed over most nights, and he tried to be there for Trini, but she never wanted to talk about it. It was too hard, too real, and it was easier to get up and put herself to work. Zack usually got up with her and helped her with whatever she was doing. Be it cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom for the third night in a row, or going through her parents things for important documents and pictures. There was always something to do, and when Trini couldn't sleep she focused on those things.

 

She knew it wasn't good or healthy, not when she had to be attentive to her brothers, and she would even catch herself drifting off at random times. She once fell asleep at the dinner table, and her brothers ate all of her food.

 

Before they left to go home, Isa and Nic took her aside while Zack watched the twins.

 

“Honey, are you sleeping?” Isa asked.

 

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, of course,” she nodded.

 

“You look exhausted,” Nic said, reaching out to hold her shoulder.

 

“Well, I'm taking care of the boys now. Parents get tired,” she argued. She felt warmth in her chest at how much they cared, and she would never be able to thank them enough for all they had done for her and the twins.

 

“Trini, you need consistent sleep to be a parent,” Isa said. “Don't forget, I raised three boys.”

 

Trini smiled softly and nodded. Her older cousins had all come to the funeral, but then gone back to their lives. “I...I just have these nightmares,” she admitted slowly.

 

“I think talking about them would help,” Isa said, her caring eyes scanning Trini's face.

 

“Yeah...I'll...I'll work on that,” she nodded. Then she raised her eyes to meet theirs in turn. “I promise.”

 

Nic nodded, apparently feeling pleased, and he let his arm slide around her neck as he pulled her to his chest. “Te amamos.” He kissed the top of her head.

 

“Love you, too,” she said bashfully.

 

 

One of the things Trini had to deal with, after prodding from her Tío, was the mortgage to the house. She had to call around between the bank and the mortgage company to get the information to them that her parents had passed, but had left her the house, and she intended on staying in it. At first, the mortgage company batted her around to different people and didn't return her phone calls. They didn't want to transfer to her name, because it was better for them to just foreclose. The mortgage company didn't want to let them stay in the home. Despite the will, they wanted to foreclose. Trini had to fight them back and forth for weeks. The estate lawyer that she was forced to hire kept telling her she'd be better off letting the house go, but Trini wanted her brothers to stay in the house they knew. She wanted them to have _something_ after losing nearly everything. Those weeks stressed her enough that she couldn't eat or sleep. She was adamant that she wanted to keep the house and take over the mortgage, and that she could pay it.

 

It took months, and they stayed in the house throughout. Finally, the mortgage people relented. She and the boys would stay in the house, and if she fell behind on her payments the house would be foreclosed. She didn't want that to ever happen. After stressing even more about the fact that so much money was gone to paying lawyers fees, she gave in and called for relief. Her Tía and Tío told her they would pay half of the mortgage on the condition that within two years they could stop. It felt like a blessing, and Trini immediately agreed. She knew with the boys in school, they had gone back two weeks after the accident, that she could work to make her half. Isa and Nic came back into town and the three signed a contract together that they would pay her half each month and within two years Trini would have to be able to pay the entire thing herself. She signed quickly. She could do it. She knew she could. And she would start paying it in full before the two years hit.

 

 

That first six months was a mess of squaring things away and closing things out. She was working overtime every week (the boys going to after school care), and she was packing lunches and making dinners. She was making as much of a stable home as she possibly could. She was tired all the time. She was stressed all the time. She lost weight and her hair started to fall out. Zack was over almost all the time helping out, and he could rarely get her to lay down and sleep. She was too focused on making everything perfect. Too focused on making sure the boys still had new things, or that they had money for field trips. She was focused on Danny, who had gone more reserved and spoke less. On Diego who rebelled more and fought with her over everything. How many times he had screamed at her that he wished she were dead and not their parents? And she took it. She didn't let him see how deeply it hurt, because that was what he wanted. She wasn't going to engage like their mother might have done. She wasn't going to be their mother. That was her biggest goal. Her mother had taught her everything not to do with children, and as much as she still missed the woman and wished she were around, she still believed that. And that made her feel guilty. She felt like she was disrespecting the dead, but Zack told her that it wasn't wrong to still feel like her mother hadn't been the best mother, even if she was dead. He said Trini would be lying to herself otherwise. Trini accepted that and continued doing what she felt was best.

 

Trini was tired. She was always tired. She still had nightmares of Rita taking the boys away. Still had nightmares of standing in the middle of the intersection and screaming at her parents to stop their car. She didn't sleep well. She didn't want Zack sleeping with her anymore, because she told him she didn't need it. She was fine. She was always fine. 'I'm fine' became her motto. When Zack asked how she was doing? 'I'm fine'. When Tía Isa called? 'I'm fine'. When the beautiful girl at work, who flirted with her by the way, asked how she was doing? 'I'm fine'. And Trini avoided her. Trini was definitely interested, but she wasn't going to let herself go there. She had promised herself six months before that she wouldn't, and she intended to keep that promise. The boys were her only priority.

 

After those first six months, Trini and her brothers were back in front of Judge Zordon. He took in reports from the boys' teachers, and he spoke with Juliet, who still checked in on the boys once a week, and he spoke to Trini and the twins. He told them that it seemed like they were off to a good start and that Trini was managing things well. He declared that he would sign permanent custody to Trini. He still wanted Juliet to check in with them for a year longer, but that they didn't need to worry about being split up. As long as everything continued as it was and got better. Trini promised it would.

 

The three Gomezes and Zack celebrated by going out for pizza, and everyone was in a great mood. Diego behaved like a little gentleman, and Danny talked their ears off. For that night alone, Trini was truly happy and excited about their lives. She wasn't stressing about the following days or years, and she wasn't worried about keeping up their finances. For one night she got to relax and enjoy the moment.

 

 

After two years, Zack moved in. His mother had just died and he didn't want the trailer. He didn't want to be somewhere that had the memories it had, and he wanted to be closer to what was becoming his other family. Trini welcomed him with open arms, and she was his rock during his grief as he had done for her. Zack settled in easily. He loved the little dudes, and he loved Trini, and he knew he could help them so much. Trini hadn't touched her parents' room until then, but she finally started to clear it out. She sold everything. She had a yard sale with the boys in charge, and they loved it. They all helped Zack move his things in and set up his room, and they had a party in it that first night. They had pizza and music, and they all slept in Zack's bed together. The very next day Zack wrote Trini a check for part of the mortgage, what would be his rent, and though she tried to turn it down, he wouldn't let her. She had been paying it in full, without her Isa and Nic's help, for a few months, but getting the additional help from Zack took a weight off her shoulders. Zack had been working two jobs; he waited tables for a fancy restaurant, and he was a bartender, so she knew that he could afford it. Things wouldn't be as tight around the house as they had been, and she knew that was better for her brothers. She wanted desperately to buy them brand new shoes, not shoes from Goodwill. They deserved new things like that. She wanted to buy the basketball hoop for Diego that their parents had never bought. She wanted to buy Danny the video games he wanted. And with Zack's help, she knew she had a better chance at doing those things. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, and she didn't let go for a very long time.

 

 

Somewhere in that second year Trini also met Lisa. Lisa was a beautiful brunette with a feisty attitude. Lisa was a customer at the bar Trini had started to work at, and Lisa didn't want to take no for an answer. Lisa wanted Trini to go on a date with her.

 

“What's the worst that can happen?” Zack asked, after learning of it.

 

“It's not about that,” Trini replied, as she slathered peanut butter onto a piece of bread. The kitchen light shone on them brighter than the darkness outside the windows, and the dishes from dinner dried in the rack beside the sink. The house was quiet around them, the twins having gone to bed just an hour before. “I have too much going on every day to go on dates.”

 

“It isn't dates,” Zack pointed out, as he put a finger in the peanut butter jar. He raised it at her to point. “It's one date. With a girl you think is hot. And you haven't dated since you were in college.” He shoved the finger in his mouth and licked it clean.

 

“Ugh,” Trini made a face. “You're gross.” She started putting peanut butter on another slice of bread. “And yeah, she's hot, but...” The knife paused on the bread and she looked around the kitchen, searching for words to make sense of what her head was telling her. “I have to keep my head in all of this,” she finally said, back to the bread before her. “If I date I'll get distracted, and the guys deserve me at my best.”

 

“What if your best is being happy and seeing someone?” Zack asked. His words struggled to get around the peanut butter still in his mouth.

 

“I don't know,” she sighed. She wiped the knife clean and opened the jar of jelly. “I don't wanna mess up what we have, you know?”

 

“Well if you won't date,” Zack said, walking to the fridge to pour a glass of milk. “At least get laid. You're 20, not 40. Even though you act like it.”

 

“Oh my god, shut up,” she said, smoothing the jelly on the two opposite pieces of bread. She felt warm in the face and cursed at Zack under her breath. She couldn't just use someone, Lisa, for sex. That would be terrible, and wrong, and...yeah, okay, so she did want to have sex, but could she?

 

It turned out she could. And she did. For a few weeks she would meet up with Lisa when Zack, or the teenage girl down the street, Grace, could babysit. Trini and Lisa would go out for dinner, and hold hands, and they kissed and had sex, and it was always amazing. Trini would go home with the biggest smile on her face, and she felt good. Until she was out one night and missed the calls on her phone telling her that Danny was throwing up and asking for her. When she finally got to the calls and called Zack back he informed her that he had it handled. She still ran out on Lisa and hurried home.

 

“Guys?” She called out as she ran through the front door. “Guys, I'm here!” She dropped her bag and ran up the stairs. “Zack!” He met her in the hallway, hands in the air to stop her.

 

“Sssh, they're in bed.”

 

“How's Danny feeling? Does he have a fever? Is he still awake?”

 

“He has a fever, but it's not very high,” Zack answered. “He might be awake, but-”

 

Trini pushed past Zack and went into the boys' room. Danny was propped up on his pillows and looked a little pale. Diego was watching him from his own bed.

 

“He barfed _a lot_ ,” Diego said in greeting to his older sister.

 

“Trini?” Danny asked, weakly.

 

“I'm here, boo,” she said, rushing over and sitting on the edge of his bed. He shifted so that his head was on her thigh.

 

“Where were you?” Danny whined.

 

“I'm so sorry I wasn't here.” She ran her fingers through his short hair and leaned down to kiss his warm forehead. “Lo siento.”

 

“Will you stay?”

 

“Of course, D. I'll stay.” She continued running her fingers through his hair and watching him. “I'll be right here if you need anything.”

 

“What if I need something?” Diego piped up.

 

“ _Go to sleep_ ,” Trini shot back in Spanish, aiming a glare his way.

 

 

From then on, Trini didn't talk to Lisa. She didn't even take the high road out of it. She just ghosted the other woman. She felt bad about it, sure, but she didn't know how to end it. She wasn't good at that kind of thing. Trini went back to her original word that she couldn't date, and couldn't get distracted by women. There were, of course, exceptions along the way, but those were always one night stands. Ways to scratch the itch. She couldn't be completely celibate, after all, but it was nothing more than that. She wouldn't let it be anything more than that. Not while the boys were her responsibility. Not while she had so much she had to do just to keep their life going forward in the way they were used to. Plus, she had to be there for them most of all. She had to be there when they were sick and needed her, she had to be there when life lessons arose that she had to teach them, and she had to be there to be the present parent that they needed. So women, as much as she loved them, they were put on the back burner. Trini could deal with taking care of her needs on her own if it came down to it.

 

 

Four years in and things were better. The money flowed easier, and with Zack and Trini working opposite shifts it was guaranteed that someone was always home for the growing young men. They were twelve going on twenty.

 

Trini made Zack give them The Talk, solely because they were boys and so was he. Then she immediately regretted it and did it herself. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life. Diego, of course, asked how sex worked between two girls, and Trini told him. She didn't want him to get the wrong information from someone else. (Namely, Zack.) Diego looked just as mortified to hear about lady on lady sex as he had hearing about sex between a man and a woman. Zack had then chimed in and made sure to tell them about sex between two men to 'make things even and fair', and Trini felt like she could die.

 

“Trini? I know you're gay, but are you _not_ sometimes so you can date Zack?” Danny asked in one of the following days.

 

Trini stared, eyes wide, and she didn't know what to say for a moment. She quickly shook her head. “That...isn't how it works, boo,” she said. “I mean, kind of, for some people, but even if they date the opposite sex they're still bi-sexual. That's not me.” She wiped a hand over her face. “I'm always gay. I don't date men. And I certainly would never in any life date Zack.” She shuddered at the thought. “You know he's my best friend. And he's our family.”

 

“But why don't you ever date girls? Aren't you gonna get married so we can have two parents?”

 

Trini moved to the couch and sat down. “C'mere, hermano.” She patted the spot beside herself. He came over and sat and looked at her expectantly. “I don't need to get married to take care of you, okay? And you kinda do have two parents. Me and Zack. I know it's dysfunctional and everything, but it's how our family is now. I don't want you to think we have to replace Mamí and Papí, got it?”

 

He nodded, but tilted his head. “But you didn't answer my first question. Why don't you date?”

 

“Oh buddy...” Trini licked her lips and took a breath. She let it out and ruffled his hair. “That's not important to me right now. You guys are. Dating...it is important in a way, but it's also not. Don't let people pressure you into finding someone to date until you're ready. And older. You can be single and perfectly happy. Dating is a way to find someone that will be there for you and care about you, and who do I have that does that?”

 

Danny thought about it then raised a finger. “Me! And Diego. And Zack.”

 

“See? I got everything I need right here.” She leaned over and kissed the top of his head. “Don't worry about those things.”

 

“Okay,” he said. He patted her knee. “You're really smart, Tri.”

 

“Ahh you know how I do,” she smirked, brushing a shoulder. He burst out laughing.

 

“But you're not cool!” He jumped up and started to run away.

 

“I'm not cool?? I am SO cool!” She shouted after him, crossing her arms with a pout. He was gone so she muttered to herself, “Not cool...ugh.”

 

 

Five years in, and the boys turned thirteen. Trini was twenty-three, parenting teenagers, and felt like she was much older. It was hard for her to believe just five years had passed in what felt like a decade to her. So much had happened since that moment on her college campus five years before, and she knew that she was a completely different person. She still kept in touch with a couple of her college friends, mostly her old roommate Emma, but she felt like they were living such opposite lives. The people she had gone to school with had graduated college and gone out into the world with every opportunity ahead of themselves, and Trini had gone home and taken over running an entire family. It wasn't that she didn't want to be where she currently was, because she loved her brothers and would do anything for them, but it was jarring sometimes to see where she could have been in life. And yeah, she really wished her parents hadn't died. Not only because she had loved them and wanted a chance for them all to get along, but also because then she could have lived her life differently. She could have done anything. Okay. Maybe she resented it all just a little bit. She still wouldn't change her decision to take her brothers though.

 

With two teenagers? She sometimes wondered if that had been a rational decision.

 

The boys were loud. They were dirty all of the time. They burped and farted, and Zack only encouraged it all. She was basically living with three Zacks, and that thought terrified her. Hadn't she raised those little boys better than that??

 

Diego was into sports. He tried out for all the teams. He played baseball and soccer, and Trini went to every single game. Danny liked cross-country. Danny was in National Honors Society as well as Student Council. (He held a position every year and his Senior year he was Senior Class President.) The only club Diego was interested in was Debate Club, when he could fit it around his sports activities. Even at thirteen, the boys had a lot on their plates and they still had all of their school work. Trini had always made A's (maybe a couple of B's) in her classes, so she had no problem helping them with their homework when they got frustrated.

 

Diego got frustrated a lot. That had been an ongoing problem for years, even when their parents were around, and the school finally suggested testing him a couple years before. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and while it didn't limit his smarts, it did make school a lot tougher for him. He was just as smart as his brother, but he needed a little more time to learn the information. Everything processed slower, and that in turn would frustrate him. Trini couldn't count the number of broken pencils or even pens that they had gone through during homework time. She constantly had to remind Diego to take a deep breath and have a break before going back at it.

 

Danny seemed like the all around, well behaved teenager. He was courteous and kind, and he used his manners. He made top grades, he volunteered, and he rarely got into arguments with Trini or Zack. But he wasn't perfect. He acted up just as much as Diego at home, and sometimes Trini had to really fight with him to get him to get off his video games and do his homework. She wondered if everyone at the school that called him a star pupil saw him at home would have something different to say. He was still young though, and she wasn't going to push him harder than he needed. She knew all too well how that felt, and it was the last thing she was going to do to either of her brothers.

 

In that year Trini was the manager of the bar she had been at for years, and it was starting to bore her. She couldn't help but begin to imagine her own place. One where people could come and get away from the real world. Not just a gay bar, there were plenty of those in San Francisco, but a bar for all women who loved women. Anyone welcome. She imagined a place where she picked the décor and the theme, and where her friends and family could come all the time. Obviously not the boys until they were old enough, but in time. She just wanted something that was hers. She didn't have that. She had the house her parents had bought, that sucked money out of her and Zack every month, and she had the boys. Okay, and she had Zack, but big whoop. No. She wanted her own bar. And it slowly became an obsession. It was all she could think about. With the boys in more activities at school, she had more free time herself. She took some informal business classes online, and found an online group for people who have started their own businesses. She started talking to some of them, started getting ideas, and she started to wonder if it was really possible.

 

She had a meager savings account with money she had put away over the years, but it wasn't much. She also had the two savings accounts for the boys, but she definitely wasn't touching that. Then she had the account that she had put the settlement money from the accident into. Once that had come through they were already getting by okay, and while it would have helped, Trini wanted to save it just in case future her needed it. Alpha had helped her put it into a savings account that would help it grow over the years, and it had, modestly. In addition to that, Trini knew she had excellent credit, and was hopeful that she could get a loan.

 

She just had to find a bar.

 

It wasn't until a few months later when she was walking from her work to the bus that she stumbled to a stop in front of a darkened window. A For Sale sign was taped into it, and it looked like it had been there for a long time. Had she really walked past it for who knew how long and never seen it? She cupped a hand and used it to peer into the window. It was definitely a bar, and it looked to be in pretty good condition, from what she could see. She pulled back and read the sale sign again.

 

“Includes second floor apartment,” she murmured to herself. She frowned for a moment. She could never afford a place with two floors. Even so, she took out her phone and entered the phone number on the sign into it. She would call when she got home. It couldn't hurt to ask to see it...could it?

 

It turned out the seller was selling it 'as is' for a below market price. He really just wanted to get rid of it, it seemed. Trini asked to see it so she could get an idea of the condition it was in. The owner, Rocky, agreed to let her visit the following day.

 

Trini was nervous and she brought Zack with her. The boys were in school so she didn't have to worry about them tearing up the house while they were gone. When they walked into the bar Trini immediately breathed in a musty, dusty smell. Obviously, the bar had been sitting there for some time.

 

“If you're serious about this you'll need to get an inspection,” Zack told her. She nodded.

 

“I know. I just wanna check it out right now.” Trini left his side and walked along the bartop, running a hand along it and collecting its dust. She wiped her hand on her jean-clad thigh and stared at the wood. It didn't look too bad. Maybe some polishing and it would be real nice. She couldn't say the same for any of the upholstery. It would all have to be replaced. And possibly the booths, too. Which meant more money. She bit her lip. She wasn't sure how much she would have to sink into the place if it needed a lot of fixing up. She continued walking around the bar and examined the tables. She thought that they might be okay, too.

 

“Let me show you the kitchen and supply room,” Rocky offered. He led her through both. “The kitchen isn't really fit to make a lot of food, but if you wanted to knock out this backroom and make a bigger kitchen you could.”

 

Trini weighed that in her mind. Food at a bar was always a good idea, but major renovations scared her. Plus, she liked the little supply room. It would make a good place for employees to take a little break. She could even add a couch. She hummed to herself.

 

“There's an upstairs, right?” She asked, spinning around to face Rocky.

 

“Yes,” he nodded. “It's a little messy, forgive me. I used to live up there and now it's become more of a storage area.” He led them outside then unlocked the door that stood beside the bar's door, and the three climbed the many stairs up to the second floor. Rocky opened the door at the top of the landing and let Trini and Zack enter first. “It's three bedrooms, an open living room, kitchen, and dining room, and two bathrooms. One is in the master bedroom which is right through here.”

 

Rocky showed them all the bedrooms and they rounded back into the living room area. “What do you think?”

 

“I think...” Trini glanced at Zack then back at Rocky. “I like it,” she nodded. “I mean, we could rent this floor out or something and make some extra income. And the bar has such potential.”

 

“We'd need to get an inspector out here and think about it some more obviously,” Zack said to Rocky, and to Trini. Trini subtly rolled her eyes.

 

“Yeah, we would,” she agreed.

 

“Just let me know,” Rocky said. “Like I said before, it will be as is, so if your inspector finds anything it would be on the buyer to get it fixed.”

 

“Understood,” Trini said. “Thank you, Rocky, we'll be in touch.” She shook his hand, as did Zack, and the two left to head home.

 

 

A month later Trini bought the bar. She did have to take out a loan, and money was going to be tight until she started to turn a profit, but everyone in the family understood. There weren't any major problems with the bar. It had been sitting for several months though so some repairs did need to get done. Trini, Zack, and the boys spent their free time at the bar cleaning every inch of it. They got out all the cobwebs and dust, and polished all the wood. They tore all of the upholstery out and found someone that would put the new stuff in. Trini got rid of most of the décor and found things she liked that she wanted to represent the feel of the bar. Lots of deep reds and black with hints of pink and purple thrown in. It took time, but they got the place looking good. Trini was pleased with it. She went through the process of getting her liquor license and everything else that she needed to be able to open. She made fliers and posted them around town, in some of the other gay bars and centers, and she put a big sign out front announcing their opening.

 

The most expensive thing was the sign she wanted to hang over the bar. The sign bearing their name in soft pink and purple lighting. _Saphhically_. Once they got it in, and after she and Zack stood on the bartop to hang it themselves, she stood back and admired it. Zack stood behind her with a hand on her shoulder, and Danny and Diego stood in front of her. They all stared up at it.

 

“Is it real now?” Danny asked. He and his brother nearly blocked Trini's view, both having inherited height from their father.

 

“Just about,” she said softly. And that felt really, really good.

 

They hung another sign out front that was much simpler. A detailed dark, wooden sign with the name, hung over the door. Trini stared at it for awhile before leading everyone upstairs into the apartment that they had also cleaned out. It stood bare and empty, and their steps echoed around inside of it.

 

“Okay, family meeting,” Trini stated, hands on her hips. She looked at Zack and the boys and they stared back, questioningly. She took a deep breath, unsure how they would take her next idea. “I've been doing some thinking and going over our finances for all of this, and...well, I think we'd save a lot of money if we sold the house and lived here. I know it's not as much space as we're used to, and that's where you guys have grown up, but...money will be tight, guys. For awhile. And I think....that maybe a change like this could be good for all of us. You would have to change schools, but you could get into all the same sports and clubs you're in now, and it's a really good school. And Zack and I wouldn't have to pay that mortgage, so we'd be in a better off.” She glanced between the three and her arms unconsciously moved around her waist as she chewed on her lip.

 

The boys both looked uncertain, and Zack looked like he was thinking hard. It was Diego, surprisingly, that spoke first.

 

“I'd be okay with moving,” he said.

 

“Dude,” Danny said, looking at his twin.

 

“Trini and Zack do so much for us,” Diego explained. “They've been paying butt loads of money just so we could stay in Mamí and Papí's house, and...I think now it's Trini's turn to have something she wants.” He turned back to his big sister. “I don't care where we live. So I'm in.”

 

“I'm in, too!” Zack shouted, pumping a fist in the air. “Especially if it means rent goes down.”

 

“But...” Danny objected. He looked at his feet. “That's our house. How can you guys want to get rid of it so easily? And we can't change schools right now! How do you know we'll keep our grades up, and Diego will make it onto his teams?”

 

“It's not easy,” Trini said, stepping closer to him. “I've thought about this for a long time, and I keep going back to that. That it's our house and we can't give it up. It will be hard changing schools, but all of your grades carry over, and the teams will hold the same tryouts. I know it's asking a lot, but this could be a really good home, too. You can walk to the arcade, or for hot dogs, I could finally sell that damn van...and we really would save a lot of money. That money could go into things that you guys need, or your college funds....I'm not trying to bribe you, but I do want you to know how it would impact us.”

 

“We won't have anything of Mamí and Papí left,” Danny whispered.

 

Trini set her hands on his arms and looked into his eyes. “ _We_ are what we have of Mamí and Papí,” she told him. “We have each other, and we have our memories. I know what that house means to us all, but we can't keep it forever. Once you two go to college, Zack and I wouldn't be able to live in that big house alone. I wouldn't be able to live there alone if Zack moves out. So...I'm sorry, but eventually we will have to sell it. It's just a matter of when.” Danny's eyes closed and tears slipped down his cheeks. Trini wiped them away and tugged him into her arms tightly. “Te amo, hermano,” she whispered against his cheek. “I want to do what's best for our family.”

 

“I know,” he cried. “But it's hard.”

 

“I know it is. I know, boo.” She kissed his cheek and rocked him gently. Zack set a hand to Danny's shoulder.

 

“It was hard for me, too, selling my mom's trailer,” he spoke, a subject he rarely talked about. “I felt like I was betraying her, like I was kicking away all those memories. I felt like she'd be ashamed of me. But...you know, after it was gone I still had those memories. I still remembered her love. That shame went away, because I realized that it was just a place that we shared, and it was the memories of that place that mattered most of all. I can still think about that home and living there with her, and even though I don't live there anymore, I still have that. And I know that the decision I made to sell it and move in with you guys was the best decision I could have made. I found a second family, and it doesn't matter where we live or where any of us go, we're still gonna be a family. We'll always have that. I love you, big dude,” Zack kissed the top of Danny's head. “And I'm gonna hold onto our memories no matter where we go.”

 

Trini listened to Zack's speech and quickly got choked up. In front of anyone else she would play it off and shove it down, but it was her family, and she trusted them with her emotions. She gazed up at Zack in adoration, then she looked back to Danny. He was still crying. Diego reached out and took Danny's hand.

 

“They'd want us to make the best choice,” Diego put in.

 

“Actually, Mamí would probably yell at us for spending so much money just to stay in a _house_ that we can't really afford,” Trini said.

 

That made Danny snort. He wiped his arm across his face to dry it. “I trust you, Tri,” he said. “If you think this is best for us, I'll do it.”

 

“I want all of us to want this,” Trini replied.

 

“I...don't know if I want it, but I'm willing to,” Danny answered.

 

“Okay.” Trini nodded and took a step back from him. “You two will still have to share a room, but what if we gave you the master bedroom? You could have your own bathroom.”

 

“Our own bathroom?” Diego shouted, excitedly. He looked at his brother. “Danny!”

 

Danny thought for a moment before a smile lit up his face. “Our own bathroom!” And with that, the two ran off to the master bedroom to check it out again.

 

Zack looked at Trini and gave her a soft smile. “You handled that really well. You're a great sister and parent.”

 

Trini huffed and waved him off. “No I'm not. I'm tearing them from their home.”

 

“You're giving them a new home. One that you can afford,” he said. “And you're doing something for yourself that you want. You haven't done that before now.”

 

“It's selfish.”

 

“No. You have to live your life, too. And showing them this kind of strength? It's great.” Zack moved forward and wrapped his arms around Trini. “You're doing great, T. I promise.”

 

“Thank you, Zack,” she murmured into his chest. She had needed to hear that. She needed to hear it a lot. And Zack was always there to assure her. For the millionth time she wondered how the hell she would have gotten so far without him. It wouldn't have been possible.

 

 

Seven years in and the bar was doing great. It took two years to get there, but revenue was coming in and the bar had a lot of customers every night. Trini finally had enough staff so that she wasn't there from open to close. In those two years Zack took on a lot more of the parenting role. Trini was still around, and she was still involved, but she also had a bar to run. Zack would help out at the bar for nothing but tips when Trini needed to be home with the boys. One of them was always at the bar. Trini felt guilty that Zack couldn't spend more time at a paying job, and she tried to pay him, but he always refused. She reduced his rent. It took almost a year to sell the house, but once they did the expenses were a lot less. Trini didn't need Zack's help financially quite as much as she had, so she didn't mind him contributing less. He even fought her on that, but in the end she won.

 

The boys were happy and settled into their new environment. They tried to sneak into the bar, but always got caught. They often insisted that they didn't need anyone home with them, since they were sixteen and plenty old enough to take care of themselves, but Trini didn't trust them quite yet. She remembered being sixteen and always sneaking out of the house, because no one paid attention to her or noticed. She knew her brothers, and she didn't need them roaming around the city on their own. She tried not to suffocate them though, and at times she would leave them for an hour at most to try and bridge that trust. She still had to stay on Danny to get his homework done, even though he was on medication, because she knew medication wasn't a singular answer for his ADHD. She got him a tutor through the high school to work with him on study skills, and that did seem to help him.

 

Both boys had girlfriends on and off. Trini could understand why. Her brothers were very handsome, and they were kind and respectful towards girls. She had made sure that they would be. They brought girls home with them, and Trini implemented rules. No closed doors, and she or Zack had to be home. Again, she had been sixteen not that long ago, and she knew what sixteen year olds were thinking about. Especially boys. She gave Danny and Diego another sex talk. This time focusing on being safe and being sure that they were ready. She knew that it would probably happen if it hadn't already, and she wanted them to be prepared. She reminded them about STDs and pregnancy, and she reminded them where condoms were if they needed them. But she told them she hoped they wouldn't. She didn't believe either of them were in love with the girls they were dating, and her first time hadn't been with someone she loved. Cheesy as it was to admit, she wished that it had been.

 

She also told them that when they did have sex, to make sure the girl really wanted it, too. To make sure the girl was okay throughout, and that it was okay to talk to the girl about what did or didn't feel good. To listen to what the girl wanted or take tips from her as to how to make her feel good. This embarrassed the boys, and they tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't. She wasn't going to raise two uncaring men who couldn't get over themselves long enough to listen to what their partner wanted.

 

“How can you give us advice, anyway?” Diego asked, sitting on his bed with his feet on the floor and hands behind himself, propping him up. “Like, I mean, you're gay...”

 

“That doesn't mean I don't know what sex between two straight people is,” she rolled her eyes. “Aside from who has what, sex is the same all around,” she explained. “It's meaningful, it's a big deal, and you should always listen to your partner.”

 

“Yeah, but, also....you don't even date,” Danny stated. He sat on his own bed with his long legs crossed, leaning back against the wall.

 

“No, but I still have sex sometimes.”

 

“Ewww!” Both boys cried out.

 

“We don't wanna know,” Diego whined.

 

“Yeah, TMI, hermana,” Danny said with a wrinkled nose.

 

“You guys brought it up!”

 

“Not the sex!” Diego argued.

 

“Okay, but, seriously, Tri,” Danny sat up. “When _are_ you gonna date someone? You know we're old enough now. You should.”

 

“You guys are worried about my dating life?”

 

“You don't have a dating life,” Diego said.

 

“And we don't understand why,” Danny followed.

 

“Because. Because I don't have time in my life to date,” Trini defended herself. “I have you guys and the bar, and Zack...that's like three full time jobs.”

 

The boys looked at each other and seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes. Finally it was Danny who spoke. “We just want you to be happy.”

 

Trini frowned and blinked back and forth between them. She shook her head. “Guys...I _am_ happy. Honestly. I'm really happy.” It was only a slight lie. She was happy with their life, and especially running the bar, but she did feel like her life was missing something. Or someone. She felt the small ache of it daily. She felt it even more when she was having meaningless sex with someone she didn't care about. Something that she felt guilty over when she was telling the boys not to do exactly what she did. She stood up between their beds and glanced back and forth at them again. “You don't have to worry about me or my dating life. When I meet someone worth my time, I'll ask them out.”

 

“Really?” Danny asked.

 

“Because we don't think you will,” Diego added.

 

“I will. When I meet the right person,” she said. “Now, can we talk about your girlfriends? How far have you guys gone?”

 

The boys groaned loudly.

 

 

It was two months later, and Trini was in her room sitting on her bed plucking at an old guitar. She hadn't played since high school when she picked it back up a year before, but she had quickly gotten back to where she had been with it. Since then she would occasionally take it out and play it. She would find chords to a song and teach herself how to play it. She didn't think she was all that good, but she enjoyed doing it. It was something of her own that she could do, and she didn't really have a lot of that. Aside from the bar. She was playing her newest song when there was a knock on her door.

 

“Come in,” she said, not stopping her strumming.

 

Diego walked in and closed the door. He stood by by her bed and watched her play for a moment. He looked antsy, like he had something to say, but Trini just let him stand there. She didn't push for him to talk to her. Several minutes later Diego sat on the bed beside his big sister and let out a sigh.

 

“Gia and I had sex,” he said quietly. He was staring at the floor. Trini fumbled the wrong chord and a noise came out of the guitar that was definitely not The Beatles. She took a deep breath and set the guitar down.

 

“Okay,” she said slowly.

 

“I don't know why I'm telling you,” he admitted, scratching the fluff on his jaw.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah. I mean...I really wanted to. So did she. It...wasn't her first time.”

 

Trini didn't know how to go about the conversation. It was in one of the parenting books she had tried to read over the years, but her mind was blank. “How'd that make you feel?”

 

“Well she...I mean...” He turned red. “She knew stuff. I didn't. So...it was okay.”

 

“What's bothering you about it?”

 

“Nothing!” His eyes went wide. Then they relaxed and so did he. “After, all I could think about was you telling us we should wait until we're in love or whatever.”

 

“And are you?” Trini didn't have a problem with Gia. She seemed like a good girl. A bit of an attitude, but Trini had seen worse. She'd been worse.

 

“...I don't think so.” His brows knit together. “How do you know?” He looked at Trini expectantly.

 

“Um,” Trini said. She stopped. How should she know? She had never been in love. Infatuation with another girl during high school, sure, but not love. Even if she thought it at the time. And her college girlfriend....well, maybe if given more time together she could have loved her. Since then she hadn't been in a relationship. She'd never really been in love. How could she explain it to her brother? God, what if her brothers found love before she ever did? How pathetic would that make her? She was twenty-six, what if the next girl she met laughed at her for never being in love? Would she ever be? She closed her eyes and shut off her internal monologue. She opened them again and looked at Diego. “I think you just know,” she said lamely. It was what everyone always said, wasn't it? She could certainly imagine what being in love might feel like... “Do you think about her all the time? Do you get all nervous and sweaty just from being around her? Do you want to spend all of your time with her? Be the first person to tell her good morning or good night?” Her heart thudded, because she kind of wanted someone that was all of those things. Was she finally ready for it?

 

“...no,” Diego said, reminding Trini another person was there. “I just like hanging out with her.”

 

“That's okay, too,” she said. She took his hand, so big compared to her own. “I know what I said, but...as long as you were safe and respectful...”

 

“I was!” He assured her. “So you're not mad?”

 

“...no. Just...please, please, _please_ keep being safe if you're gonna do it again. I'm not ready to be a great aunt.”

 

“No!” He shook his head furiously. “That won't happen.”

 

“Okay, good.” She squeezed his hand. “But...talk to her about it, okay? About what you do or don't feel. Make sure you're on the same page.”

 

“I will.”

 

“Thank you. Did you finish your biology homework?”

 

“...not yet.”

 

“Do you want help?”

 

“Yeah, okay,” he said.

 

“Okay. I'll meet you in the kitchen in ten minutes.”

 

“Okay. Thanks, Tri!” He got up and fled the room.

 

Trini flopped onto her back then rolled over until her face was in her pillow, and she screamed into it. _Teenagers_.

 

 

It was two months later that Trini met Kiara. Kiara worked for one of the distributing companies for her beers, and Kiara brought in the kegs and taps for Trini. Trini was immediately impressed by Kiara and her strength in lifting the full kegs. Trini kept most of the kegs on the floor for a reason. She couldn't lift them unless they were a quarter or so full. Trini would follow Kiara into the keg room and lean against the door frame to watch the muscles in her arms flex and move, and she had a hard time hiding her thirst. She wasn't sure who could blame her. The problem was...Kiara flirted with Trini. A lot. And Trini wasn't so sure she should have a one night stand with someone connected to her business. That was wrong. She knew it was wrong. But god how she wanted Kiara.

 

“Hey, gorgeous,” Kiara said, walking up to where Trini stood in the doorway. “What's goin' on in that mind of yours?” She had a knowing smile on her lips, and Trini knew she was done for. Trini also had zero game.

 

“Uhh...beer,” she answered quickly.

 

“Beer, huh?” Kiara crossed her beautifully sculpted arms that were presented to Trini with an olive green tank top, and Trini couldn't help but stare at them.

 

“Yup,” she answered with a nod. “Beer. So, uh, let me sign that invoice for you. I'm sure you wanna get out of here.”

 

“I'm not in a rush,” Kiara said, taking another step closer.

 

Trini closed her eyes for a moment to center herself before opening them and looking up into Kiara's eyes. “I've gotta get back to the bar,” she said, pointing a thumb in the direction.

 

“Are you scared to be alone with me?”

 

“N-no.” Trini shook her head. “I just...I...I mean...”

 

“Good. Because I was gonna say you should have dinner with me.”

 

“Dinner?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean...you make deliveries here, and if-”

 

“It's just dinner,” Kiara said. Her head tilted to the side. “I thought...there's been somethin' here, right?”

 

Trini pushed off the door and grasped her hands in front of herself, playing with her fingers nervously. “I can't,” she said firmly. “I'm raising two teenage boys, and running a bar, and I can't get involved with anyone right now.”

 

“Jumpin' the gun there, gorgeous. I'm just talkin' one dinner.”

 

Trini considered that. Really, what could one date hurt? It had been so long since she had been on a date. It could be nice. Especially with a woman as hot as Kiara. Trini licked her lips and opened her mouth. Nothing came out for a moment. Then she decided to stop listening to her head. “Okay,” she agreed. “One dinner.”

 

Kiara beamed a beautiful smile and nodded. “Give me your number and we'll set it up.”

 

The date was the following weekend, and Trini was nervous as hell.

 

“I look ridiculous!” She shouted, staring at herself in the mirror.

 

“No, you don't,” Zack said from her bed, where he let himself lounge. “You look very nice.”

 

“I can't wear this,” she pointed at the yellow dress she'd worn to see Judge Zordon all those years before. She went to her closet and yanked it open and started pulling things out and tossing them onto the bed. “I have _nothing_ that's right!” She turned around expecting some support from Zack, but he was on the bed covered in her clothes.

 

“You have plenty,” his muffled voice called out. He swam his way out of the clothes into the air and took a deep breath. “Just wear something you're comfortable in.”

 

“I'm comfortable in pants,” she said.

 

“Okay. Do you have black pants?”

 

“I think so.” She turned around to dig through her closet some more and emerged with a pair of nice, black dress pants. “If they fit.” She stepped into them and pulled them on under the dress.

 

“Fit?”

 

“A little snug, but they fit.” She turned back to her closet. “Top...” she murmured to herself.

 

“This one.” Zack waved around a yellow button up shirt. “You look good in yellow.”

 

Trini smiled and grabbed it from him. “Thanks. Forgot I had this.” She whipped off the dress, not afraid to be almost topless in front of Zack, and put the shirt on and buttoned it up. She held her arms out and looked at him. “So?”

 

“Amazing,” he said, giving two thumbs up. “Totally bangable.”

 

“Shut up,” she said with an eye roll. “I'm not 'banging' her. It's one dinner.”

 

“Suuure. You've just been thirsting after her for four months.”

 

“Have not.”

 

“Have too.”

 

“Have not!”

 

“Have too!”

 

“Oh my god, stop!” Trini threw her hands in the air and left her room to go to the bathroom and fix her hair. She brushed it and stared at it, unsure _what_ to do. She stared at her reflection for a long time, and with each minute got more and more anxious over what was about to happen. “Zack! I can't-” She turned to go out the bathroom and ran right into him.

 

“You can,” he assured her. Then he held up a black, thin tie. “And you're wearing this.” He wrapped it around her neck and went to work tying it. “You will look...amazing,” he smiled at the finished product.

 

Trini tucked the tie under the collar of her shirt and turned to look in the mirror. “I'm good with this,” she nodded. “But my hair!”

 

“Braids,” he said. “And loose.”

 

“...yeah, okay.” She went to work braiding three braids into the side of her head, a look she wore quite often, and combed out the rest of her hair with her fingertips. “This works.”

 

“Am I the best wingman or what?” Zack asked with a grin.

 

“What,” Trini answered, patting his chest.

 

“Cruel,” he retorted.

 

“I gotta go,” she said, pushing past him. “Guys!” She called out as she walked to the boys' room. She stepped in and saw them both working on homework. She smiled. “I'm heading out. Dinner is pizza.”

 

“Alright!” They both cheered. They looked her over.

 

“You look pretty,” Danny complimented her.

 

“Hot,” Diego said. “You look hot.”

 

“Pretty and hot,” Danny amended.

 

“Thank you,” she grinned. “I'll be back in a little while.”

 

“Don't do anything we would do!” Diego called after her as she walked out.

 

“We're not going there,” she called back. She grabbed her keys and her phone and shoved some money in her pocket. “Make sure they finish their homework, okay?” She asked Zack.

 

“Trini, I've got this. I've done it before.”

 

“I know, I know...sorry, I'm just nervous.”

 

“Don't be. Just be you and have a good time.”

 

“Thanks.” She smiled and gave him a wave before heading for the door and pulling it open. She was out and about to close it when she heard him call out after her.

 

“Get laid!”

 

Her response was a slamming of the door.

 

 

Dinner went well. They talked, they laughed, and Trini got to know Kiara better. Trini herself didn't give a lot away. She needed to be ready before she talked about her own life and her situation, and she simply wasn't yet. Kiara seemed to understand and Trini appreciated it. After dinner Trini walked Kiara to her car, and Kiara went in for the kiss. In what seemed like the next moment they were in her car making out. Trini liked kissing. A lot. She always had. And it had been so long since she'd gotten to make out with a girl. She was enjoying herself. Lips were going, hands were gliding across faces and backs, and Kiara was pulling Trini into her lap to get her closer. So of course that was the moment that Trini's phone went off.

 

“Shit,” she hissed against Kiara's lips. She stopped to grab her phone from her pocket and silence it, tossing it aside. “Sorry,” she murmured, returning to the kiss. Then her phone went off again. She growled and grabbed it, leaning back for a moment. “One sec,” she promised. She swiped the screen and brought her phone to her ear. “Dammit Zack this better be impor-”

 

“Diego broke his leg,” Zack's harried tone came.

 

“What?!”

 

“He's okay! I mean...aside from his leg. I'm sorry!”

 

“What happened?!”

 

“He....was trying to prove he could jump onto the kitchen island...”

 

“And you let him?! Jesus, Zack!” Trini pulled herself off of Kiara and clumsily climbed out of the car. “Where are you?”

 

“We're still waiting at the ER.”

 

“I'm on my way.”

 

“I'm sorry, Trini,” he said, sounding truly apologetic.

 

“We'll talk about it later.” She hung up on him and turned to Kiara, who had gotten out of the car as well. “I gotta go. I'm...I'm sorry,” she said. “I had a great time.”

 

“No it's okay, go. We can do it again sometime.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Trini nodded. She waved and ran off to catch a bus, all thoughts of the date and the girl gone.

 

 

It took hours of waiting, and Trini yelling at a lot of people, but eventually the four got home. Diego was in a cast and crutches, and Zack kept shooting puppy dog eyes at Trini. She ignored him. She helped Diego up the stairs slowly, then helped him into his room where Danny helped him into pajamas.

 

Trini stood in the kitchen with Zack and she stared at the kitchen island for a long time before finally looking at him. “How could you let him do something so dumb?”

 

“I don't know. We were having fun, and I let it go too far. I should have known better.”

 

“Yeah, you shoulda!”

 

“I'm sorry, Trini. Really, I am. You have no idea how guilty I feel.”

 

She glowered at the floor, arms crossed tight, and shook her head. “Yeah, I do. Cause I should've been here.”

 

“No. Don't do that. This had nothing to do-”

 

“It's like the time Danny got sick...I should be here. Even if I'm downstairs. I need to be around for them, all the time.”

 

“You need to live your life, too,” Zack said.

 

“This is my life.” Trini let her arms fall and she started cleaning up the empty pizza boxes. “I can't get distracted.”

 

“Tri-”

 

“Goodnight, Zack,” she said sharply.

 

He knew better than to argue with her any further, so with his head hung he waved at her and headed to his room. “Night, Trini.”

 

 

The next time Trini saw Kiara she told her they wouldn't be able to go out again. The other girl seemed to take it okay, and within a month or so they were back to normal. And Trini made herself keep her head on straight and move forward. She wasn't going to let something happen again to one of the boys just because she wanted something outside of their lives. She knew she couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. Maybe once they were gone to college she could, but not before then. They mattered to her more than dating ever would.

 

 

Nine years in and the boys were in college. They both decided to stay local, but live in the dorms. The apartment was quiet without them, but Zack was still there. He wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere else, and he and Trini still worked as roommates. Trini didn't mind it, because it kept the apartment from being completely empty. It was hard adjusting to life without her brothers always around. It was hard even knowing what to do with herself, because they didn't constantly need her for things. She spent more and more time at the bar. What else did she have to do? Plus, the bar was her baby and she loved being there.

 

Then one day the most beautiful girl Trini had ever seen walked in to her bar. She had a brilliant smile that sent chills down Trini's spine, and a voice that Trini swore she could listen to for hours on end. And that was just when she spoke. When she sang? Trini truly wondered if that was what heaven would be like. The woman made Trini a sap. And her name?

 

Kimberly.

 

Kimberly talked Trini into letting her play her music at the bar once a week, and with that Kimberly wove herself in to life at the bar, and Trini relished every time she got to see her. Trini loved talking to Kimberly, and listening to her laugh, and oh she couldn't get enough of her singing. Trini fell fast, and she fell hard, and she wanted Kimberly all to herself. She got jealous when Kimberly mentioned anyone that could be a boyfriend, and very jealous when Kimberly brought her friend Jason in to meet everyone. Because with all of her pining and wishful thinking, she knew that Kimberly was straight and that she never would have a chance. There was a reason everyone always said never fall for a straight girl. Trini had done just that. She got down on herself constantly over it, over doing something so stupid, but then. Then, she realized that Kimberly was bisexual and single, and Trini (silently) rejoiced. And after that...she felt sheer panic. She panicked because she couldn't do it. She couldn't put herself out there. There was a switch in her brain that she had to reverse. A switch from all those years of telling herself that she couldn't because of the boys. She needed to flip it, because the boys were gone and not a factor anymore, but it was as though the switch was too heavy for her to move. She couldn't get to the other side where it was okay to want someone and be with someone.

 

So she didn't let herself. She didn't let herself whisper frightening words to Kimberly in the dark of her apartment as they cuddled on her couch. She didn't let herself tug the woman closer, when they lay in Trini's bed, and kiss her as senseless as she wanted to. She felt Kimberly's desire back for her, but she almost couldn't believe it. It had been so very long, and what if she was only wishing it to be when it wasn't? What if Trini would break her own heart if she did, or said, anything? She knew she wouldn't be able to handle losing Kimberly in any way. She had become far too important to Trini.

 

Trini puzzled over whether Kimberly even liked her back. There were so many little things, and moments, but Trini didn't know how to understand them anymore. Or had she ever? She had never really had the chance, had she? She had never been in love. And what she did know, sex just for the feel of it, she wasn't going to do that with Kimberly. No, she cared about her far too much for that. It could never be that. Not with her.

 

So Trini suffered. She whined to Zack. She worked hard and tried to forget that Kimberly was all that she could think about.

 

And then one night Trini lost all control, and she took Kimberly's face in her hands and kissed her. They kissed and Trini's world spun on an axle and shrunk down to nothing. Not to nothing. To two people. For once in her life, there were only two people in her world. Herself and Kimberly. And her world was clear and bright, and the air thick and heavy, and all Trini could hear was the sound of Kimberly's moans. She didn't know what came over her when she took Kimberly's soft face in her hands and brought their lips together, but explosions rocketed inside Trini's body. She kissed Kimberly and she finally knew just what kissing was supposed to be. Nothing else had ever felt the same, and nothing else ever would. And Kimberly's body was rocking into Trini's, and Trini wanted to have her right then and there. Peel off her clothes and make love to her slowly, sweetly. Trini was hot, in every sense, and Kimberly's touch burned her. She needed more. She needed...no. No, because when she went with what she needed or wanted, something always happened. She couldn't. She couldn't give in like that. So she did what she didn't want to do, and she tore herself away. She pulled Kimberly to her chest, and she held her. And she prayed that she would find the courage another day. The courage to do what, she wasn't sure, but she would figure it out tomorrow.

 

Trini was in love. She knew it then for sure.

 

And that scared her more than almost anything before.

 

She knew she needed to address it. She knew she needed to talk to Kimberly and sort it out. She knew even if she needed time, she needed to talk. But she couldn't. She had never been good at talking about her feelings, outside of her little family, especially not when there was potential for those feelings to be hurt. Because Trini wasn't sure that Kimberly felt what she did as strongly as she did, and she really didn't want to find out. Avoidance was better in her opinion. So that's what she did. She wasn't going to talk about it and that would be that.

 

Until she got the stupid idea to play with Kimberly's guitar while she slept on the couch. Trini hadn't even intended on playing anything on it, but strumming it was a calming feeling which she enjoyed. Somewhere in her strumming it turned into a song, and she started to sing softly. She never thought she had the greatest of voices, not like Kimberly for sure, but she could carry a tune. And she sang a song from her heart, and let her emotions out in a way that was easier for her.

 

It scared her after. She couldn't pinpoint why, but something about singing that song even to a sleeping Kimberly, was too much. She felt like she was being suffocated by the mere idea of talking it all out, and she couldn't take it. She went back to avoiding Kimberly at all costs. She knew she was close to her breaking point, and she was afraid if she broke it would be too much. There had been too much inside of her, building up to be let go, for so long that she wasn't sure where it would begin or end. She thought she was doing a good job. She thought she was gonna be okay. But, as Kimberly was prone to do, she surprised Trini.

 

Kimberly confronted Trini about everything. About what had been happening between the two of them, and about their feelings for one another. It was the perfect time for Trini to step up and be open with what was on her mind and in her heart, but...she couldn't. It felt like someone had a vice grip on her words, the important ones, and was holding them hostage from her. It was as though she were trying to push them up her throat, and something was batting them back down. Instead she tried to say it wasn't the right time, that she wasn't ready, and please could it wait? She wanted to keep Kimberly there, but not have the exchange. She would have done anything to keep Kimberly there. Except say those words. Because how do you say them? How do you reveal something so deep, so personal, without fear of it blowing up in your face? How do you find such bravery?

 

Kimberly was brave.

 

Trini was not.

 

Trini was left alone, and Kimberly was out the door. Not just out, but gone. And she wasn't coming back. And that tore a hole through Trini that she feared would never heal over. In trying to avoid hurting herself she had ripped herself apart, and the only thing – the only person who could fix it – was gone for good.

 

Trini stormed out of the bar and up to the apartment and slammed the door shut. In a rage that she hadn't felt since her parents died, Trini shoved everything off of the kitchen island then screamed. Zack came running up the stairs after her and looked around wildly, and when he saw Trini he ran to her and caught her just as she was sinking. She started to cry.

 

“What's wrong with me?” She asked.

 

“Nothing,” he answered firmly, despite not knowing what had happened.

 

“Why can't I just... _be_ with someone?”

 

Zack let out a sigh and rested his forehead to the top of her head while rubbing her back. “Because you've been alone for so long,” he said gently. “It's hard to remember how not to be.”

 

“I c-couldn't give her an answer,” Trini sobbed out.

 

“Do you know what your answer is?” He didn't even ask what the question was.

 

“I...I...don't know,” she admitted.

 

“You can figure it out.”

 

“She's g-gone.” She finally brought her hands up to grip his arm, and she leaned more of her weight into him.

 

“Come on, crazy girl, we both know there's only one way gone is for good.”

 

“It felt li-like for good.” She buried her face in his shoulder and shook with her tears.

 

“Sssh,” he hushed. “We'll figure it out. We always figure it out.”

 

She didn't respond.

 

When she had calmed down some, Zack put Trini to bed. He left the room and she curled up in her sheets, and she started to cry all over again because they still smelled like and _felt_ like Kimberly.

 

 

In the following days, Trini threw herself into work at the bar and tried her hardest not to think about Kimberly. She tried not to stare at the empty stool that Kimberly usually occupied, which she didn't let anyone else sit in. She yelled at one girl and scared her out of the bar, but Trini didn't care. That was Kimberly's spot and no one else was worthy of sitting in it. Eventually, Zack walked around the bar, picked it up, and carried it into the back. To prevent losing any more customers or the last bit of Trini's sanity.

 

Tommy asked after Kim and as to why she wasn't there on a Thursday night, and Trini bit his head off. She told him to focus on his work and not on business that wasn't any of his concern.

 

The days turned into weeks and then into a month. Trini stared at her phone all of the time and willed it to ring with a message or call from the woman she was missing, but it never did. Kimberly had truly meant it when she said she was stepping away. And each time that Trini didn't have some notification on her phone from Kimberly, her heart broke again. She knew it was her own fault. She knew she had broken her own heart and Kimberly's with it, but she didn't know how she was supposed to fix it. How could she go to Kimberly and tell her...tell her what? That Trini still didn't know what she was doing? That she wasn't ready for Kimberly, because she wasn't ready for anyone outside of her small family to see anything broken in herself? She was. Broken. She had been most of her life, and she had never learned how to get around it. She spent nine years fixing and maintaining her brothers and hadn't given herself any of that focus. How could she be someone good enough for Kimberly when she hadn't gone through a relationship before? She hadn't dated since college, and she didn't know how to anymore. She was twenty-eight and she had never been in love. Why would anyone want to take her on like that? Kimberly didn't know what she would get herself into, and how could Trini shatter her with the truth about it? And how could Trini waste her first real relationship on Kimberly, when the first is never the last, and she didn't want that to be the case with that woman?

 

No, Trini couldn't go after Kimberly. She wasn't ready. Not in her heart, or as a whole, was Trini a ready version of herself for the other woman. She needed a lifetime of love and heartache to prepare her for what felt like could be _it_ for her. Kimberly could be it. And that terrified Trini on a whole other level. It's what had kept her from Kimberly all that time. It's what kept her at a distance, safe from everything that could ruin her.

 

She had confided some of it in Zack before Kimberly had left, when he had asked her again and again why she held back, and he had called her crazy. He told her no one was ever ready, but he didn't get it. He didn't get that Trini couldn't dive in to something that seemed so...so...all encompassing. Zack, who had dated, and loved, and lost, and had come back from the trenches with the same smile and zest for more. He was broken inside, that she knew, but he managed to push past it and look for more in life. She didn't have that same kind of courage. She didn't have his amazing essence. She wished she did. God, she wished she did. Then maybe she would be enough.

 

As more weeks passed, Trini's fears turned into self-loathing. She hated herself for not being able to get passed it all. She hated herself for still clinging to the idea that she _couldn't_ date, for the boys' sake. They were grown and out of the house, and yet she still believed, somewhere deep down, that if she tried to date that someone would tear them away. Maybe going through all that she did at such a young age really had messed her up. Instilled with the fear that should she act upon her wants, she could lose everything.

 

She had worked so hard for so long to keep their family together. To keep the boys in her grasp. It was second nature to deny herself of anything that she wanted for her own. And the boys knew that. They knew what she had sacrificed for them, because they were at the age she had been when she took them in. They got it then more than ever just how hard it had been on her. They wanted her to have everything she never had allowed herself before.

 

They staged an intervention.

 

“Why are we all here?” Trini glanced between her brothers and Zack, as they all stood in the kitchen of the apartment.

 

“We wanna talk, hermana,” Diego said. His hands were tucked into the back pockets of his jeans and he watched her.

 

“Zack told us why Kim hasn't been around,” Danny added.

 

“Dude!” Trini was close enough to whip a hand out and hit Zack in the stomach. He grabbed his stomach and winced.

 

“They wanted to know what was going on with you!” Zack defended. “And they have something to say about it.”

 

“Oh, do you?” She turned on her brothers again. They both gulped under her stare.

 

“We think...” Danny started hesitantly. He glanced at Diego then back at Trini. “We think you're being dumb.”

 

“Dumb?” She raised a brow, ready to kick both their asses.

 

“Yeah,” Diego said. “You don't have to protect us anymore. We always kinda knew that you didn't date or go out much because of us, and that doesn't have to be a problem anymore. We're adults now, and-”

 

“Adults? I still wash your clothes,” Trini cut in. “And whether or not I dated had nothing to do with-”

 

“Don't lie to us anymore, Tri,” Danny begged. “Stop worrying about us and worry about yourself. You deserve something, too. And we really like Kimberly. She's special.”

 

Trini couldn't argue about her being special, she was. Too special. Too special to hurt while Trini tried to fumble through her first adult relationship. “Guys...I appreciate what you're tryin' to do, but-”

 

“She's not gonna wait forever, crazy girl,” Zack said, loudly and firmly. Trini looked at him, and he stared back defiantly. “She's not. So, while you're here shutting yourself down and moping over her, she could be moving on. Then you'll have lost her for real. Is that what you want?”

 

“I...” Trini hadn't thought about that. No, she hadn't thought that Kimberly would wait forever, and yes, she thought that Kimberly deserved better than her, but the actual idea of Kimberly with someone else was a rotting pain in her heart. Her stomach felt sick, and her head ached. “Maybe that'd be better,” she lied softly.

 

“Would it?” Danny asked.

 

“Would it, really?” Diego added on. They both stared at her, challenging.

 

“I can't explain this to you guys,” she said after a few moments of silence. “And I don't have to either. I don't like being ambushed like this.”

 

“How else can we get through to you?” Zack asked.

 

Trini bit her lip and thought over their words. She shook her head. “I made my decision. That's it.” She started to walk back towards her room, but Zack called out to her.

 

“What if I said I know where she's playing now?”

 

That made Trini stop. She stared down at her feet. It wasn't like she didn't know how to get into contact with Kimberly. She knew where the other woman lived. She had her phone number. She could reach out. But those words stilled her and made her think. It made her jealous that Kimberly had found another bar to play in when she belonged at Saphically. She belonged with Trini. Trini blinked tear filled eyes and shook her head, and she continued into her room and shut the door. She needed to lay down.

 

A few hours later Trini awoke to darkness and silence. She rubbed her eyes and sat up slowly, wondering if the world was still spinning. She felt out of it and confused, as only a late in the day nap will do, and she narrowed her eyes as she tried to make sense of her surroundings. A faint light shone under the crack in her door, but she couldn't hear any movement or talking outside of it. She got to her feet and opened the door and wandered down the hallway. The kitchen light was on and there was a note sitting on the counter. She picked it up and squinted under the still too bright light, and she read it.

 

_Trini,_

_Here's the address. She's playing tonight. Go get your girl._

_Signed,_

_Glam Fam_

 

Trini sighed and shook her head. She loved her boys more than anything in the entire universe. A smile tilted her lips up and she set the note back down. She couldn't do it. Everything that had been holding her back still held onto her, and she didn't know how to get herself free. She turned and went back to her room where she started to change. She pulled on her best pair of jeans and her old yellow button down shirt. No, she couldn't just go there. She left a few buttons on top undone, as well as the sleeves. Then she grabbed her yellow beanie and put it on her head and tugged on her bomber jacket. Confront Kimberly? Were they insane? Did they even know her at all? She slid her feet into her high-top Chucks, black, and stood. In the forefront of her mind she knew she was going down to the bar. Even if she wasn't going to work, she wanted to be there. In the back of her mind? Her thoughts were on that address.

 

She went back into the kitchen and picked up the piece of paper and stared at it for awhile. Then she crumpled it up and shoved it into her jacket's pocket. She turned out the kitchen light, walked down the stairs, and locked up. She looked left, towards the bar, then right, and she stood there for several beats. Without thinking, or really deciding either way, she turned right.

 

 

After some walking, a bus ride, and some more walking, Trini came to a stop in front of the club that Zack had given her the address to. It looked more modern than her own bar. She paced in front of the door as she tried to decide what to do. She had made it that far, but did she actually want to go in? Of course, she could go in without seeing Kimberly. Leave after a few minutes. The door to the club opened as some people went in, and Trini was hit with a beautiful sound. A guitar, and the most delicious voice Trini knew.

 

“ _Say something, I'm giving up on you_ _  
__I'll be the one, if you want me to-”_

 

The air left Trini's lungs as she heard Kimberly singing. The woman's voice sounded so soft, and...sad. Trini instantly grabbed the door and stepped inside, and she was hit with the full force of Kimberly's song.

 

“ _Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

 _And I...am feeling so small_  
_It was over my head_  
_I know nothing at all-_ ”

The emotion, the sheer heartbreak that echoed with each word stabbed at Trini's heart with small knives. That was _her_ Kimberly, singing about how Trini had hurt her, and Trini felt tears well up in her eyes. She pushed through the crowd to get closer. She needed to see her.

 

“ _And I...will stumble and fall_  
_I'm still learning to love_ _  
__Just starting to crawl-”_

And then Trini was close enough to see her. Kimberly sat on a stool on a small stage, and her eyes were closed as she sang. Trini moved off to the side and crossed her arms to watch, and every word was more painful than the one before. She didn't _want_ Kimberly to give up on her, she suddenly realized. She didn't want Kimberly to move on and find someone else, someone better. Even if Trini wasn't the someone better, wasn't enough, she wanted Kimberly for herself. Her fingers dug into her elbows as she held herself, held her breath, and watched every minute move on Kimberly's face. God, she was exquisite.

“ _Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_  
_Anywhere I would've followed you_  
_Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
  
_And I... will swallow my pride_  
_You're the one that I love_  
_And I'm saying goodbye_  
  
_Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
_And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_  
_And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-Ooh)_  
_Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
  
_Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
_Say something...”_

Trini wiped the tears from her cheeks and watched as Kimberly opened her eyes and gave the crowd a small smile while they applauded. The applause was loud, just as she deserved. Trini clapped, too, and she watched Kimberly set her guitar down and lean into the mic.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice sounding a little raw. “I'm here every Monday and Wednesday,” she told them. “Have a good night.”

The crowd started to disperse, and Kimberly got up and squatted to put her guitar in its case. Trini's heart was pounding, and her feet moved before she could tell them which way to go. They took her towards Kimberly, and she stopped in front of the stage, still hugging herself.

“H-hey...” she said. Kimberly looked up, eyes wide in surprise, and mouth open. She didn't speak. Trini hugged herself tighter and cleared her throat. It was then or never. What the hell did she want? She wasn't sure, but she knew she never wanted to hear that song again. It was Kimberly crying out to her, and Trini had to answer. If she didn't, well, Kimberly might be gone forever. And Trini couldn't deal with that. She cleared her throat again and looked to her feet. That was easier than looking into Kimberly's shell-shocked, pained eyes. “Can we talk?” She asked. “Some-somewhere private?” And she looked up, looked into Kimberly's eyes, and she waited. She had come so far already. She could wait a moment more.

 

 

 


	8. shattered by your weakness, shattered by your smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! Hope you like this chapter! 
> 
> Chapter title from Shattered by The Cranberries

**vii. october continued**

 

“H-hey...”

Kimberly felt her heart drop at the sound of Trini's voice over her shoulder. She swallowed roughly and looked behind herself and saw Trini standing there, hugging herself. Kimberly was surprised. She had given up hope that Trini would find her and end her suffering.

“Can we talk? Some-somewhere private?

And Kimberly paused. All she had wanted for a long time was for Trini to really talk to her, but the other woman refused time and time again. Kimberly had given her time and waited, but she ran out of patience. She still wasn't sure if she had any left to give, and she didn't know just what Trini wanted to say. Kim was scared.

“Sure,” she finally said. She stood up and slid her hands into her back pockets. “There isn't really anywhere here...we can go to my place if you want. It's close by.”

Trini appeared to be thinking it over, but then she nodded. “That works.” Her eyes were on Kim's, and there was a glint of ache in them that Kim wanted to push away.

“Okay. Give me a minute.” Kim picked up her guitar and went to find the owner and tell him goodbye, then she got her jacket and returned to where she had left Trini. She was still there, standing and looking around awkwardly. “We can go,” Kimberly said.

“Cool,” Trini said with a nod.

Kimberly started to push her way through the crowd towards the front door with Trini at her heel. When they got outside she looked to Trini. “I walked.”

“Okay.”

With nothing else to say for the moment, the two walked in silence to Kim's apartment. It wasn't a very long walk, and when they got there Kim unlocked the door and led Trini inside. She closed it behind them and took off her coat. She took Trini's as well and hung them both, and while she settled her guitar down, Trini slowly wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch. Kim followed soon after and sat down on the other end. She wasn't sure things had ever felt quite so awkward between them before. She shuffled her hands under her thighs and looked over at Trini. Trini was sitting rigidly with her hands in her lap, and she was staring intently at the floor. Kim finally sighed.

“So...” she led.

Trini was quiet a little bit longer before she finally spoke up. Her voice sounded raw and unused. “I was barely eighteen when I started to raise my brothers,” she said. “I was dating this girl at college and...it was my first real relationship. The first time I wasn't kissing a girl hurriedly behind closed doors...or feeling like I was wrong for doing what felt good...” Kim watched Trini as she spoke and she wasn't sure that Trini even saw the rug she was focused on. She was somewhere else.

“Then...my parents died, and...and I didn't even take time to...feel any way about it. I dove into caring for the boys and fighting for them. I had to fight _so hard_ and it was exhausting. There were days I didn't think I could do it. But I had to, you know? It's what you do for family. Danny and Diego were my number one priority from that second I found out about my parents on. Even today...I worry about them, and I want to do whatever I can to help them.” Trini fell silent at that, and Kimberly felt her heart swell yet again for the woman beside her. Trini had lost so much, but had given even more, and Kimberly admired her greatly.

“You're their hero, I'm sure,” Kim said softly. “You were so great...” She inched closer to Trini on the couch and stopped when she was close enough to reach out and touch Trini's arm. Trini flinched, but didn't pull away.

“I didn't do a lot for myself. I didn't take care of myself or my grief. And...when it came to dating...” Trini looked down at her hands, picking at her nails, and her voice lowered. “I didn't. I tried. It was like...every time I tried, something happened. I guess I took it as a sign that I didn't need to date. There were one night stands, but nothing serious. It was this rule that I set for myself, and when the boys turned eighteen and moved out...I should have let it go, but I think...I think it's still there. Buried in me.” Her hand went to her heart and held there. “And you came along and...and made a mess of it all. I didn't know how to...to let that go.”

Kim rubbed her hand up and down Trini's arm, and she felt sadness for the other woman. Hearing more insight into the life Trini and the twins had just hurt her more. Hearing what Trini gave up and denied herself of made Kimberly want to cry. Trini deserved everything. She deserved the world. But she didn't get it. “You were young,” she told Trini. “You were doing the best that you could, and there was no book to tell you how to manage your personal life around what you had going on. It's understandable that you felt it was the right thing.”

“But do you understand what I'm telling you?” Trini's voice was almost cold as she turned to look at Kim. Kimberly stared back, eyes wide, and shook her head. “I've been in one relationship in my life, and it was in college, and not far along. I'm...a joke.”

“No you're not,” Kimberly said firmly. “You think I care about that?”

“You should.”

“Why?”

“Because...” Trini hesitated, like she had more to say, but she didn't say it.

“Trini, I don't care. What I care about is you, and the fact that I want to be with you. Even though you took your sweet damn time in coming to find me...even though I'm still kinda mad at you...I want to be with you.”

Trini shook her head, and Kim saw tears on her cheeks. “I feel like everything, all of it, is catching up to me now that they're gone...and you don't want to be here for that.”

Kim moved even closer and grabbed Trini's face in her hands, turning her head so their eyes could meet. “Stop telling me what I want or don't want, or do or don't care about. I'm telling you that I care about you, and I want to know you better, and I want to be able to kiss you and tell you you're beautiful. I want to touch you and learn your body, and I want an open door to falling in love with you, because god, Trini, I'm fucking starting to. And if it's all catching up to you and you need to fall apart, I want to be here to hold you and wipe away your tears.” Kimberly did just that, her thumbs brushing across Trini's cheeks. “If you need to scream, I want to scream with you. If you need to hide from the world, I want to hide with you. And baby,” Kim pressed her forehead to Trini's. “If you really think that because you don't have past relationships I would feel any differently, then you're delusional. I'll be your first, your second, your thir-” Kim was cut off when Trini kissed her.

Trini's kiss was hard and messy, and Kim returned every bit of it. Their tongues met and Kim slid her hands from Trini's cheeks so that her arms could lock around her neck. Trini moved her hands to Kim's hips and pulled them to herself, so Kim turned and slid closer. Trini's teeth nipped at Kimberly's bottom lip, and Kimberly moaned. At the sound, Trini moved to her knees and pushed Kim onto her back. Kim went willingly and pulled Trini down on top of her. The kiss continued after a pause for breath and Kim brushed her hands up and down Trini's back. Trini pulled from the kiss to draw her lips across Kimberly's jaw and neck. Kim whimpered and leaned her head back to give Trini more skin to work with. Trini took advantage of that and kissed and nipped all down Kim's neck and throat. Trini's hands glided up and down Kimberly's hips while Kimberly's hands threaded through Trini's hair, kneading and pulling it. Trini grunted and sucked at the skin beneath her lips.

“Tr-Tri...” Kimberly gasped out. Her hips rocked up and she moaned again.

Trini brushed her kisses up to Kimberly's ear. She bit the lobe gentle, then kissed the skin beside it. “Now,” she whispered, her tone pained. “Just be my now.”

“Yes,” Kim whispered back quickly. They were both panting, Kim against the side of Trini's head, and Trini into Kimberly's ear. They stilled like that for a moment.

“I want you,” Trini said thickly. “But...not like this. Not yet.”

“But-,” Kimberly wanted to protest. She couldn't wait. She didn't want to wait. She wanted to have Trini right then -- finally. She tried to calm her breathing and she gripped the back of Trini's shirt. No. If Trini wasn't ready she could wait. “Okay,” she agreed.

“I really do want you. You have no idea.”

“I think I do.”

Trini chuckled and her nose brushed Kimberly's face as she pressed a kiss to her cheek. “You're so gorgeous...and sexy,” she kissed her cheek again.

Kimberly grinned. “And?”

“And funny.” Another kiss, this time closer to Kim's lips.

“Mmm, and?” Kimberly was beaming.

“Talented.” A kiss to the edge of her lips.

“And?”

“Completely and utterly ridiculous.” Trini chuckled before kissing her lips.

“Mmm,” Kim hummed as she kissed back softly. “All the things a girl wants to hear.”

Trini rested against Kimberly and propped herself up to look down at her. “What else does a girl like to hear? Remember, I'm behind on these things.”

Kim settled back and let one hand rest on the small of Trini's back while the other brushed through her hair slowly. “Well there's also...hot, great kisser, amazing ass...”

“Good thing you're all of those things, too,” Trini grinned. Kim stared up at her and admired that grin, and she felt her heart jump.

“You are, too,” she said. “And brave, and hrmph-” Trini put her hand over Kim's mouth to stop her.

“That's enough about me.”

Kim fought her hand away so she could speak. “You're gonna have to learn to take some compliments. I might do it a lot.”

“I'll work on it.”

“Good.”

Trini sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. “Kim...I'm not ready...for a commitment.” Kim, feeling a surge of disappointment, watched Trini as she angled herself away from Kim. “I...appreciate what you said, but...I need us to go slow.”

“So...” Kim sat up as well, leaning back against the arm rest. “What does that make us?”

“Friends?” Trini asked, her face unsure. “Friends who...kiss...and get to know each other more?”

Kim thought about that for a bit. She wanted that, but she also wanted more. She thought they were about to get to more, weren't they? Hadn't they been friends? Hadn't the entire fight, so to speak, been about moving forward? “Trini...I don't know...”

“I'm sorry, but that's what I need. That doesn't mean it won't change a week from now.”

“And...you'd let me know? When you're ready? You won't go back to shutting me out?”

“No, Princess.” Trini moved forward on her knees and placed her hands on Kim's knees. She looked at her earnestly. “We're gonna be more. We are. I just...need to get there slowly.”

Kim looked into Trini's eyes and was held there for a few beats. Trini had beautiful, welcoming eyes, and Kim fell victim to them time and time again. “Okay,” she finally said. “But only if we're communicating. I can't...be pushed away again. I can promise I won't come back.”

“Communication,” Trini said with a nod. “I'll be better.”

“And kissing.”

“Kissing I can do.” She smirked.

“And cuddling?”

“Cuddling?” Trini frowned. But then she cracked into a small smile and nodded. “Yeah, cuddling, too.”

“So...we can go to my bed now and cuddle and kiss?” Kim raised a brow.

“Lucky for you, I don't have any kids to get home to.”

“Lucky me,” Kim said with a grin.

Trini got to her feet and held her hands out for Kim. Kim took them and let herself be pulled up, and when she was standing she wrapped her arms around Trini's waist, and she leaned down to kiss her. Trini's arms went around Kim's neck as she kissed back, languid and slow.

 

 

**viii. november**

Kim walked around her room, picking out clothes and putting them in a suitcase. She looked over her shoulder at Trini who was laying on her stomach on the bed. “You sure you don't want to come with me?” She asked. “My parents would love to have you.”

“Sounds awfully couple-y to me,” Trini replied, without looking up from her phone.

Kim bit her tongue from saying that they practically were a couple aside from the sex and dates outside of one of their homes. Practically. Not actually. She was reminded of that daily. She sighed. “It doesn't have to be. Friends can go to their friends' home for Thanksgiving dinner.”

“You know I'm spending it with the boys,” Trini replied. “Zack makes the turkey every year, we all pitch in on the sides, and the twins try to get out of doing any actual work in favor of watching football. You know you can stay and have dinner with us.”

“I can't,” Kimberly says. “If I don't go home The Moms will flip. They love holidays. Especially Mama.” She smiled fondly. She did love spending holidays at home, too.

“So I'll see you in a few days,” Trini said, looking up finally. Kim just pouted at her.

“That's a lot of days.”

“Gonna miss me or something?” Trini teased.

“Duh.” Kim slung a jacket into her suitcase beside Trini on the bed, then moved over and flopped down on Trini's back. She dug her hands under Trini between her and the mattress and hugged her.

“I might miss you too, Princess.”

“Might?” Kim swept Trini's hair aside and pressed kisses up the back of her neck. Trini groaned softly.

“Will,” she amended.

“That's better,” Kimberly said.

Trini carefully rolled around onto her back, keeping Kim on top of her, and she wrapped her arms around Kim's waist. “How many days will you be gone?”

“Tomorrow, Thursday, Friday; because they like shopping on Black Friday, and Saturday to rest. I'll come back Sunday.”

“Lame,” Trini said with a frown.

Kim kissed her lips softly. “I'll be back before you know it.”

“Yeah...” Her hold on Kim tightened.

Kim reached up and brushed her fingers through Trini's hair then leaned down and kissed her cheek. “You still haven't told me what you want for Christmas.”

“Hmm, I don't know.”

“I'm getting you something either way.”

“You don't have to get me anything,” Trini said, gazing up at her.

“What about wild, passionate sex?” Kim grinned.

Trini groaned. “Kim...”

“Naked, sweaty sex,” she added.

“Kimberly.”

“Sexy, sexy sex?”

“You're a horn ball,” Trini said.

“Can you blame me? You're hot.”

“I can't blame you, no,” Trini admitted. “But-”

“You're not ready,” Kim finished.

“No. I'm sorry.”

“You know having sex won't mean we're in a relationship,” Kim told her.

“It would mean a lot.”

“What would be so bad about admitting we're already in one?”

“We're not,” Trini argued. “You are free to date anyone you want.”

“There's only one person I want to date,” Kim said, drawing kissing against Trini's neck. Trini stretched her neck out.

“Really?”

“Uh huh.” Kim bit her neck softly and grinned. Trini moaned. “I could rock your world Trini Tell-Me-Your-Middle-Name-Already Gomez.”

“I bet you would,” Trini replied. “And no.”

“I'll get it out of you soon.” Kim kissed her way up Trini's jaw and cheek.

“My middle name or the sex?”

“Both.” Kim kissed her and Trini kissed back, immediately deepening it. Kim moved both hands into Trini's hair as they kissed and she rocked her hips into Trini's. Trini dipped her tongue into Kim's waiting mouth and reached down to still her hips. Kim whined. Trini flipped them so that she was on top. The kiss became hurried and desperate, and hands were all over the place as they felt each other. Trini soon pulled her lips from Kim's, breathing hard, and stared down at her.

“You make my willpower weak,” Trini said.

Kim smiled up at Trini. “That's a good thing for me.”

“Mmm,” Trini hummed. She peeled herself from Kim and knelt on the bed beside her. “You need to finish packing.”

“I don't want to.” Kim pouted.

“Yes you do,” Trini replied. “You're excited to go home.”

“...yeah, okay.” Kim stared at Trini a moment longer before rolling off the bed and to her feet. “But don't think we're not going back to that when I'm done.”

“I wouldn't dare,” Trini said with a smile.

  
  


**ix. december**

“Trini, come home with me for Christmas.”

Trini wiped up the small spill on the bar and looked up at Kimberly, seated on her stool. “I can't.”

“Why no-oot?” Kimberly whined. She put on her best pout and everything. It didn't seem to affect Trini though.

“Because the boys will be home the whole week. I'm not leaving them alone.”

“They can come, too! There's room at my house, and my moms would love it,” Kim said, getting excited. “You could bring their presents and put them under our tree, and try my Mamí's famous egg nog, and listen to my Mama tell How The Grinch Stole Christmas like she does every Christmas Eve! It'll be fun!”

“Kim...” Trini sighed and stared at her, a hand flat on the bar. “That's...super family-like. Dating-like. I can't do something like that with the boys until I know I'm serious about someone.”

Kim frowned. “You're not serious about me?”

“I didn't mean that,” Trini quickly said. “I meant...until I'm seriously dating someone. And we're-”

“Not dating,” Kim said glumly.

“...no,” Trini said.

Kim watched Trini and tried to not let the hurt inside of her show. She started to wonder, not for the first time, if anything had really changed between them. Aside from the making out whenever they wanted. When she had given Trini an ultimatum months before she had been serious about it. She hadn't wanted to get invested and end up hurt, and she was afraid she was in the same possible situation. “Maybe...being apart will be good,” she said quietly. She looked down. It had been such a fun night that night. She had performed, spent time with Trini, talked to Zack, but at that moment the night took a turn. She wasn't having fun anymore.

“What does that mean?”

“It means...I've been really patient and understanding, and...I still am, I guess, but...you're hurting me,” Kim admitted reluctantly. She looked up and saw concern and worry in Trini's eyes, and she tried not to fall into them. “I want this to be a real thing,” she went on. “You don't. So I think we need the time apart to decide what it is we're willing or not willing to give here.” She got to her feet. It was still kind of early, but she needed to leave. Trini clouded her judgment and she needed to think.

“Kim, come on, don't go,” Trini said.

“Good night, Trin,” Kim replied. “I'll be back after the New Year. We can talk then.”

“You don't leave for two more days,” Trini said sharply.

“I know.” Kim gave her a soft smile while tucking her hair behind her ear. “I'll see you.” She walked into the backroom to get her guitar. She picked it up and when she turned around, Trini was standing there with her hands on her hips.

“You can't just say that and leave,” Trini snapped.

“What else is there to say?” Trini stood there, but didn't say anything to her. “It's okay,” Kim assured her. “We'll talk next week.” Kim tried to walk past Trini, but she was standing in the doorway, so Kim stopped and stared at her. Trini stared back for a moment before surging forward and grabbing onto Kim's face with both hands and kissing her desperately. Kim closed her eyes and kissed back, trying to keep up with the intensity, and after a moment she pulled away. She didn't want to. She wanted to keep kissing Trini. She wanted to curl up on the couch and kiss Trini all night, but she couldn't. She couldn't because it made her feel things, and she couldn't feel things for someone who was emotionally unavailable. It would only end badly for her. Kim's face was still close to Trini's, and she gazed at her and gave her a little smile. “You can text me, okay?” Trini didn't meet her eyes, but she nodded. “And if you have any...big epiphanies, you can call me.” Again, Trini nodded and stayed silent. “Have a Merry Christmas, Trin,” Kim said, kissing Trini's cheek. Then she pushed past Trini, the shorter woman allowing it this time, and walked out of the bar.

 

* * *

 

It was Christmas Eve, and Kimberly was curled up on the couch in her family's living room. The tree was lit and sparkling across the room, and the fireplace was going. The only light in the room was the tree and a small lamp at Kim's side. She was looking at her phone and willing a text message to appear. She hadn't heard from Trini at all. She wasn't sure if she had expected to or not, because Trini was Trini. But she wanted one. She had a message from Zack that made her smile. He wished her a Merry Christmas, and told her he was working Trini down for her. That Trini was even more subdued than usual, and Kimberly should take that as a good thing. She wasn't sure how much he knew about what went down between her and Trini, but he appeared to know enough. He was still rooting for them. If Zack wasn't going to give up hope, why should she?

Jason and Billy had just left. They were staying next door with Jason's family, but had come over to have some egg nog and catch up with The Moms. It had been fun, and it definitely put a smile on Kim's face, but a part of her was still torn up over Trini. She knew her moms could tell that she wasn't quite as into the spirit as she normally was. Normally? Kim radiated Christmas. She got it from her Mama, who loved Christmas more than any other holiday. But Kim still felt a little...lost.

“Hey, baby,” Santana said, settling onto the couch beside Kimberly and brushing her hair out of her face. “You waiting to hear from someone?”

Kim looked at her phone again then looked at her Mamí and sighed. “No, I guess not.”

“Don't wait too long,” her Mamí said. “If something is meant to happen it will.”

“Ughh, really? Destiny?”

“Yes, really,” Santana frowned. “You can't waste moments of your life waiting for someone.”

“I know,” Kim said with an eye roll. “And I'm not. Just...waiting for a text.”

“Why don't you text her?”

“Because I'm trying to detach myself, and it wouldn't exactly look like I'm doing that if I text her first,” Kim said stubbornly.

Santana rolled her eyes and tugged Kim against her side, her arm wrapping around her. “My beautiful, idiot child,” she said.

“Did you just call my daughter an idiot?” Brittany asked, walking into the room and crossing her arms. She was pouting, too. Santana and Kimberly looked at her. Kim bit her lips to keep from laughing.

“Mamí's in trouble,” she sang. Santana slapped her arm lightly.

“Babe, I didn't mean it,” she told her wife. “But our daughter is moping over some _la cobarde_ who won't date her.”

“This coming from the 'coward' who wouldn't date me once upon a time?” Brittany asked, her brows raised in amusement.

Kim watched as her Mamí mouthed wordlessly for a moment. “I was young and foolish,” Santana finally said. “We're talking about a grown woman who-”

“We are not talking about her,” Kim interrupted. “Please. Not now.”

Santana rolled her eyes again, but leaned in and kissed the top of Kim's head. “Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut. But the next time she makes you cry, so help me, I'm goin' Lima Heights on her ass.”

“And everyone will be terrified,” Brittany smirked. She walked over and wedged herself in on Kimberly's other side and took her hand to wrap in both of her own. “Honey, we just care about you. Your Mamí wants you to be happy. That's all.”

“I am,” Kimberly promised. She continued to lean on Santana, but looked at Brittany. “I'm home, it's Christmas, and tomorrow I am finally going to out-gift Jason.”

“You think?” Santana asked, skeptically.

“Jason has been buying you the better gifts ever since you were kids,” Brittany reminded her. “I'm actually not sure how you manage to not get him amazing gifts. You know him better than anyone.”

“Are you saying I give him bad gifts?!” Kim asked, shocked.

“ _Nena_ ,” Santana sighed. “Gift giving has never been your strong suit.”

Kim sat up, still sandwiched between her parents, and turned to look at her Mamí. “Wait, you mean...you've never liked the gifts I give you?” She whipped her head to Brittany and back to Santana.

“No! No, I don't mean that,” Santana said quickly. She looked at Brittany to save her, but Brittany shook her head. “I love what you give us, but Jason is really good at giving gifts. Like that family tree photo frame he gave us a couple of years ago. We had so much fun finding all the pictures for it.”

“And the serving dish with the unicorn painted into the bottom,” Brittany added.

“Oh, and that year he gave us monogrammed key chains with all of our last names on them,” Santana said.

“Okay! I get it. Jason is awesome at giving presents and I suck,” Kim pouted.

“You don't suck,” Brittany told her, kissing her hand softly. “You just...think of functionality more than emotionality.”

“Is that even a word?” Kim asked.

“That doesn't matter,” Brittany said. “I happen to use the funny Shakespeare coasters you got us last year all the time. They keep rings off of the tables.”

“And I still use the electric shaver you bought me two years ago,” Santana added.

“...so my gifts don't suck?”

“No!” Her moms cried out together. It was suspicious, but Kimberly decided to let it go.

“Well, this year I'm going to beat him. For once. You'll see!” She nodded and leaned back.

“We're rooting for you,” Brittany said.

“Who wants more egg nog?” Santana asked, starting to get up.

“Bring it on,” Kim said.

“We can handle it,” Brittany added.

“Those're my girls,” Santana beamed, before walking off to the kitchen.

“Her egg nog is so strong it could knock out an ox,” Kimberly told her Mama.

It wasn't until the next day, when Kimberly was laughing and opening presents with Jason and Billy and her parents, that her phone pinged from where it lay in a drawer in the kitchen, with a message that went unread for the rest of the day.

**my beauty:** merry christmas princess. I miss you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feel free to find me on tumblr at 5ivebyfive and shout in my inbox.


	9. it's all your fault, you called me beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday!! I hope you enjoy this update! If you want to get the full feeling for it, pull up I'm Yours by Alessia Cara and play it when you've finished!
> 
> CW for bullying, d-word slur, drinking and drinking problems
> 
> Chapter song is It's All Your Fault by Pink

_"i'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could i say?)_  
_to make you turn around and come back this way_  
_(would you just come back this way)_  
_i feel like we could be really awesome together_  
_so make up your mind cause it's now or never (oh)_  
  
_it's all your fault_  
_you called me beautiful_  
_you turned me out_  
_and now i can't turn back_  
_i hold my breath_  
_because you were perfect_  
_but i'm running out of air_  
_and it's not fair"_ **  
**

 

* * *

 

 

**xi. december continued**

 

“Kimberly Ann Hart get your butt out of bed!”

 

Kimberly opened her eyes with a groan. A ghost of a headache wove through the back of her skull, and her mouth tasted like rotten eggs. Too much of Mamí's egg nog. As usual. “Coming, Mamí!” She reached for her phone from where it sat beside her bed, and she looked over the notifications that were there. A few from Facebook that she couldn't be bothered to check (One of her Moms had uploaded a photo of them curled up on the couch the night before, so she was sure it was all comments on how cute they were. Which they were.), Instagram (suspicious, Moms), and some texts from friends and family wishing her a Merry Christmas. One text in particular was missing. Kimberly sighed and tossed her phone down on the bed. She tried to imagine for a moment what Christmas morning was like in the Gomez/Taylor household, but all she could picture was a lot of noise and Zack annoying Trini in some fashion. It made her smile softly. She wished she could be a part of it. Not that she didn't love Christmas with her Moms, but Christmas with Trini and her boys...well, that was probably something special.

 

“Kimberly Ann Hart!”

 

“Stop full naming me!” She shouted. “I'm coming!” She grumbled to herself as she got out of bed and slid into her reindeer slippers. She padded her way to her bathroom, jingling with each step she took. Sometimes she hated her name.

 

_“Hello...what's your name?”_

 

_A five year old Kimberly clutched her worn giraffe and nuzzled it as she replied to the pretty woman kneeling down in front of her. “Kimberly Ann Hart,” she said softly._

 

_The woman smiled bigger and reached out to hold the hand of the other woman with her. The other woman had yellow hair and the prettiest blue eyes. She knelt down next to the first woman, who had dark hair and skin a little more brown than Kimberly's own. The black hair lady spoke again. “Hi Kimberly, I'm Santana. This is my wife, Brittany.”_

 

_Kimberly just stared between them with wide eyes, and after a moment she spoke with a little more bravery than before. “You're pretty ladies,” she told them in awe. They both chuckled._

 

_“You're very pretty yourself,” Brittany told her._

 

_Kim shook her head. “I'm not,” she said sadly._

 

_The two ladies looked at each other then back at Kimberly. “Well,” Santana said. “We think you are.” That made Kimberly smile brightly._

 

_“Can we play with you?” Brittany asked._

 

_“...okay,” Kimberly agreed. “But not with Fiona.”_

 

_“Who's Fiona?” Brittany asked._

 

_Kimberly held up the giraffe and shook it, her face red. “No one can play with Fiona but me.”_

 

_“We won't touch her,” Santana promised._

 

_“You really wanna play with me?” Kimberly asked suspiciously._

 

_“We do,” Brittany said._

 

_“Why?”_

 

_The ladies looked at each other for a long time, like they were talking, but they didn't make any sound, and then they looked back at Kimberly. “Because we'd like to be your friends,” Santana told her._

 

_“I don't have any friends,” Kimberly said, her head hung. “Nobody likes me.”_

 

_“We like you,” Brittany said. “So why don't you show us that puzzle you were working on?”_

 

_“Okay!” Kimberly marched across the playroom, glancing back to make sure they were following, and they were._

 

* * *

 

_It was three months before they brought Kimberly home. The three had bonded quickly, and Kimberly seemed happy to have found a new family. Brittany and Santana joked privately that they were adopting more than one child, because Kimberly had many different moods. Sometimes she was quiet and timid, afraid of any word uttered, sometimes she was happy and boisterous and could barely be contained, other times she was well-mannered and kind, and yet others she was angry and mean. But the two women had fallen in love with all of her, and they were prepared to take on whatever Kimberly brought. They knew she had been taken from a neglectful, dangerous home, and from the classes they had taken they knew that any of facets of her personality could be because of that. They intended to show her love and care, and maybe some of the more troublesome traits would fade in time._

 

_Maybe._

 

_“NO!”_

 

_“Kim,” Brittany began, crossing her arms._

 

_“MY NAME IS KIMBERLY ANN HART.”_

 

_“But don't you want to have the same name as us?” Santana asked, as she watched the almost six year old tear her brand new bedroom apart. She stood just inside the door with her wife at her side._

 

_“THAT'S YOUR NAME. I HAVE A NAME.” Kimberly threw her bedding off the bed and dove into it, twisting and turning and getting tangled in it._

 

_Brittany placed a hand on her wife's arm and shook her head. She walked over to where Kimberly had finally stopped, fully entangled in her blankets to the point where her Moms couldn't see her face, and she sat down on the floor. Legs crossed, hands in her lap. “Kim,” she tried again._

 

_“KIMBERLYYYYYYY!!!”_

 

_“Kimberly. Do you want to keep your name?”_

 

_“YES!”_

 

_“Okay. You can.”_

 

_“Britt,” Santana started behind her, but Brittany held up a hand to keep her quiet._

 

_“How about, if one day you decide you want to change it, you tell us, okay?”_

 

_There was a lot of wiggling and rustling about until Kimberly's head popped out of the sheets. Her hair was sticking out everywhere, a mess with static, and she stared at Brittany like she was thinking hard. “I can decide?”_

 

_“You can decide,” Brittany confirmed._

 

_“Good. Then I decide to keep my name,” Kimberly said with a nod._

 

_“Brittany, what about-” Santana stepped forward to place a hand on her wife's shoulder. Brittany tilted her head to look up at her._

 

_“She should get to make some decisions, too. She'll do it when she's ready.”_

 

_“Okay...if you think it's right,” Santana agreed._

 

_“IT'S RIIIGHT!” Kimberly shouted._

 

_“Uh uh, ma'am, now we're gonna talk about your yelling,” Santana held up a hand. “By that I mean there will be none. Do you understand me, Kimberly?”_

 

_Kimberly stared at Santana with wide eyes. She wasn't used to someone being strict on her about her behavior. She blinked and her little bottom lip jutted out. “I understand,” she said in a tiny voice._

 

_“Good. Now help us clean up,” Santana instructed, leaning over to upright a small chair._

 

* * *

 

 

_“I don't wanna call you Santana and Brittany anymore,” Kimberly declared in the middle of dinner. They were quickly approaching the one year anniversary of her having moved in with the two, and everything was going as well as it could with a wild six year old._

 

_“What would you like to call us?” Santana asked, setting down her fork._

 

_“Mommy,” Kimberly said, little brows furrowed. “But you can't both be Mommy.”_

 

_“What about Mommy Brittany and Mommy Santana?” Brittany suggested._

 

_“Too many words,” Kimberly whined. She rolled her eyes up and to the side, thinking hard, so hard that her tongue poked out of her lips, and at last she threw a fist up in the air. “Brittany can be Mama, and Santana can be Mommy!”_

 

_“I like that,” Brittany grinned._

 

_“Can...can I make a suggestion?” Santana asked hesitantly._

 

_“Okay,” Kimberly replied._

 

_“What if you call me Mamí?”_

 

_Kim frowned. “That's what I said. Mommy.”_

 

_Santana smiled softly. “No, Mamí. It's a little different. It's what I call my mom. It's Spanish for Mommy.”_

 

_“...that's a good one,” Kimberly nodded. “Okay, Brittany is Mama and Santana is Mamí....did I say that right?” She looked to Santana. Santana was beaming with tears in her eyes._

 

_“You did, babygirl,” she said._

 

_“Okay, everyone can finish eating now,” Kimberly said with a wave of her hand. “I want my desert.” Her moms just laughed._

 

* * *

 

_“MAMÍ MAMÍ!”_

 

_Santana rushed out of the kitchen and to the front hallway where she heard her daughter screaming for her, and she saw little Kimberly standing there with scraped, bloody knees. “Oh, baby.”_

 

_“I hate that stupid bike! I wish you and Mommy never bought it!” Kimberly was red in the face and her small hands were curled into fists at her sides. Her pink helmet was firmly in place on top of her head. Santana swept her up in her arms and carried her into the kitchen where she sat her down on the counter._

 

_“You love that bike,” she corrected. She got a paper towel and dampened it and started cleaning Kimberly's knees._

 

_“I hate me!” Kimberly shouted next. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. “I can't do it.”_

 

_“Yes, you can,” Santana argued softly. She was gentle with the towel as she cleaned. “You just need to keep practicing. Like with your piano lessons. What does practicing make?”_

 

_“P-perfect,” Kimberly answered. She blinked wide, wet eyes up at her mother. “But I practice and practice and I still fall off!”_

 

_“Oh, mija...” Santana stopped her cleaning and looked down at Kim. She dried her daughter's cheeks and held her face in her hands while staring down at her. “You'll get there, I promise.”_

 

_“Mama says promises are super important and you can't make them if you don't mean it,” Kimberly told her._

 

_“Then I must mean it,” Santana said. She pulled away. “Don't move.” She went to the cabinet over the dishwasher and pulled down their oft used first aid kit. She opened it up and pulled out the alcohol spray. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath,” she said._

 

_Kimberly did so, but through her squeezed eyes she let one open slightly, and she watched Santana spray her knees. She jumped and whimpered, but a kiss was pressed to her forehead. She calmed down at that. Her Mamí could always have that effect on her. She opened both eyes then and watched Santana work, putting cream on her cuts and covering them with band-aids. “Ma?”_

 

_“Hmm?” Santana hummed, not looking up._

 

_“I love you.” In the two years Kimberly had lived with her Moms, she had never said it. Her small heart felt it, but also had felt conflicted. Like saying it would erase her old life. And even though it hadn't been a good life, it had still been real and hers. Those people had still been her parents._

 

_But she had different parents. Better parents. And she did love them._

 

_She watched Santana's head whip up to look at her, eyes wide and watery, and the woman reached out to tuck Kimberly's long, unruly hair behind her ear. She knew Kimberly needed touch on her own terms, and she knew not to crowd her. Kimberly smiled up at her Mamí and held her arms open. Santana beamed wider and wrapped her arms around her daughter. She hugged Kimberly tightly._

 

_“I love you, too. So much,” Santana said. “I always will.”_

 

_“Promise?”_

 

_“With all my heart.”_

 

* * *

 

_“I can't do it.”_

 

_“Yes, you can,” her Mama said. Brittany held her in the water of the pool._

 

_“You're gonna let go and I'm gonna drown!” Kimberly said dramatically._

 

_“You won't down,” Brittany promised._

 

_“You don't know that.”_

 

_“Yes I do. I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you.”_

 

_Kimberly believed her Mama, but the big, vast pool still terrified her. She didn't like things that were out of her eight-year-old control. “I'm scared,” she said softly._

 

_“Being scared is okay. But not doing things because you're scared is no way to live,” Brittany told her gently. “You'll miss all the best parts.”_

 

_“...okay,” Kimberly said with a deep breath. “Promise you'll catch me if I'm gonna drown?”_

 

_“I promise. Just kick and paddle like we've practiced.”_

 

_“Okay.” Kimberly said firmly with a nod._

 

_“Okay,” Brittany repeated. She turned Kimberly from her. “I'll count to three and you just kick and paddle to the wall.”_

 

_Kimberly prepared herself, and ignored her pounding heart, and listened to her Mama count to three. She launched off and kicked and paddled her heart out, determined to get to the wall, and before she knew it her small hands hit something hard and she grasped on. She pulled her head from the water and stared through her goggles to find she had made it to the wall. She turned her head over her shoulder with the biggest grin ever. Her Mommy was jumping up and down and shouting, and Kimberly felt like she was on top of the world. Swimming was amazing! “Mama, I did it!” She yelled in delight._

 

_“You did, baby!”_

 

_“Can I come back?”_

 

_“Yes! Come back!”_

 

 _Kimberly laughed and positioned herself to push off the wall, and she started swimming back to her Mama, knowing Brittany would catch her, and that feeling was almost the best feeling she had felt in her entire eight years of life. (The first being when her Moms took her home.) But Kimberly swam with all her might, and she reveled in the feel of the water passing over her body, and the pull of her muscles, and she knew right then that swimming was_ hers _._

 

* * *

 

_“Mama? What does dyke mean?” A nine year old Kimberly sat in the back seat of the family car and stared at the back of her mother’s head._

 

_Brittany almost slammed her brakes. She took a deep breath. “Where did you hear that word, honey?”_

 

_“Some older kids at school. They called me Dyke Baby. They said I’m a freak because I have two mommies.”_

 

_Brittany glanced in the rearview mirror at her daughter and was quick with a response. “That’s a very mean word that people use to call women who fall in love with other women.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“I don’t know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry they called you that. You know it’s not true, right? You’re not a freak.”_

 

_“I know, Mama,” Kim replied. She looked out one of the side windows and watched the world pass them by._

 

_“Which kids said that to you?”_

 

_“...I don’t wanna tattle,” Kim said._

 

_“It isn’t tattling. Those kids need to learn that they can’t use that word.”_

 

_“But if I get them in trouble they’ll be mad at me, and it’ll be worse.”_

 

_“And if it does, you tell an adult again.”_

 

_Kim thought it over carefully. She didn’t want to be called names anymore, but she also didn’t want to get her classmates in trouble. What was she supposed to do?_

 

_“Think about it and you can tell me later,” Brittany said._

 

_Kim nodded. “Okay, Mama.”_

 

_“Kimmy?” Kim turned her head to look forward. “You’re an amazing, beautiful girl, okay?”_

 

_“Okay, Mama,” she said again, a grin sprawling across her lips. Amazing and beautiful. That’s what she was._

* * *

 

_“Mamí! Jason’s spending the night!” Kimberly shouted up the stairs. Jason stood behind her at the door, scratching his head._

 

_Santana soon appeared at the top of the stairs. “What have we told you about yelling in the house?”_

 

_“...that it’s only allowed during the Grammy’s.”_

 

_“That’s right. Now, Jason is spending the night?” She made her way down the stairs._

 

_“Uh huh! His Daddy is being mean again.”_

 

_Santana looked at Jason. “Is that true?”_

 

_“Yes,” he said, shuffling his feet and not looking at her._

 

_“Did he hurt you?”_

 

_Kim thought it was odd that her moms always asked him that. “He yelled, Mamí.”_

 

_“I was asking Jason.” Santana glanced at her daughter before returning her gaze to Jason. Her eyes were serious and expectant, and Kim knew herself never to try to lie to her like that._

 

_“No, ma’am,” Jason mumbled._

 

_“Don’t call me ma’am. It’s Santana. You can spend the night, Jason. You know you’re always welcome here.”_

 

_Kim beamed and clapped her friend on the back. “Come on, Jase, let’s go watch scary movies!’ She didn’t care what Amanda said about Jason, she loved him as though he were her brother._

 

_“Okay,” he said with a return smile, and the two ran off to the living room._

 

* * *

 

 

 _At fourteen, Kimberly was the youngest person on her high school swim team. She was a natural, and she was_ good _._ _She always had been, from those early lessons with her Mom to the constant practices she went to in the years that followed. The Moms paid for a coach for the years leading to high school when she could join the swim team. Even though there were times she took it for granted, took them for granted, she still appreciated what they did for her. So when it came time to try out for the team, she blew the coaches away with her form and her times, and she got on._

 

_She and Amanda had been friends since they were young, and Amanda, who was a year older, had always been nice to her. Towards the end of middle school Amanda started to change, though. She started to get mean. She started to get popular. And once she began high school, Kim started to take after Amanda more and more. Her usual unruly hair was brushed in near obsession, and she cared for it every day to make sure it hung perfectly over her shoulders. She started to wear makeup, which was a fight with her parents that she eventually won. High school was amazing. Being friends with Amanda was amazing, because everyone immediately respected and were awed by Kimberly. She walked through the halls like she owned them. And as she started climbing the leader board, she only strutted more. She ignored people who were below her and only befriended the in-kids. She had a letterman jacket so in her mind, she was allowed to do what she wanted._

 

_At home, she began acting differently, too. She ignored The Moms more and spoke back to them. She fought with her Mamí a lot; they were both stubborn and opinionated, and it never ended well. Brittany tried to play mediator, but her girls wouldn't listen to her. Not when they were in the middle of yelling at one another._

 

_“I don't like who Amanda has become!” Santana yelled as they sat at the dinner table._

 

_“What makes you think I care?” Kimberly asked in a bored tone._

 

_“Don't speak to me like that,” Santana snapped._

 

_“Why? You speak to me the same way!”_

 

_“Come on, guys,” Brittany said with a sigh. She rubbed her forehead. “Can we please have one nice dinner?”_

 

_“Britt,” Santana said. “Our daughter has been bullying other kids. And it all started with Amanda.”_

 

_“You're right,” Brittany nodded. She turned to Kimberly. “Kimmy, you can't bully people. It's not nice.”_

 

_“I'm not nice,” Kimberly said, almost with pride._

 

_“Yes, you are,” Santana huffed. “Do you not remember when you used to get bullied for having two moms?”_

 

_Kimberly bristled at that. She never mentioned that some of her friends still picked on her for that and called her names, but deep down they were still her friends. She knew they didn't mean it. “Of course I remember, but I wasn't a loser.”_

 

_“Kimberly!” Santana slammed a hand down on the table. “You're not going camping with Amanda and the others without supervision. That's the end of it.”_

 

_“Oh my god! You're literally the worst!” Kimberly cried. She couldn't not go. Everyone was going. Ty was going. She had such a crush on the football star, and she was pretty sure he was going to ask her out soon._

 

_“Don't speak to your Mamí like that,” Brittany said. “We don't like that there won't be parents there,” she went on. “So unless you guys come up with chaperones, you're not going.”_

 

_“I hate you both!” Kimberly jumped up from the table. “You don't even get it! I'm a freshman and I'm being included!”_

 

_“We do get it,” Santana said calmly. “We were that crowd. We know what happens.”_

 

_“That was forever ago,” Kimberly said. “Things aren't the same. We're literally just going to hang out.”_

 

_“We've already said no. We're not changing our minds,” Brittany said apologetically._

 

_Kimberly threw her hands up in the air with a sound of disgust before storming off and upstairs to her room. She slammed the door shut and flopped on her bed. She closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath. She didn't care what her parents said, she was going on the trip. Even if it meant sneaking out._

 

_She was grounded for three months, but it had been worth it. She was Ty Flemming’s girlfriend._

 

* * *

 

 

_Kimberly sat in the back of her Mama’s car and stared forward. Her moms sat in the front seats. No one had spoken since they left the principal’s office at school. She could feel the tension though, and she knew her Mamí was going to explode. It was just a matter of when._

 

_They came to a stoplight. Brittany looked over at her wife before turning back to look at Kimberly. Kim almost expected a small smile from her Mama, but the woman’s lips were set in a tight line. She looked forward again._

 

_“I can’t believe in one week you’ve been kicked off the swim team, beat up your best friend, and punched your boyfriend’s tooth out,” Santana muttered tightly._

 

_“She’s not my best friend, and he’s not my boyfriend,” Kim replied. “Besides. They put it back.” She crossed her arms over her chest._

 

_“That doesn’t matter. We didn’t raise you to get in fights,” Brittany said._

 

_“Oh please, we all know Mamí got in fights when she was in high school.”_

 

_“And I learned from it,” Santana argued. “What is going on with you?”_

 

_“You wouldn’t understand,” Kim mumbled. How could they understand how humiliating it was for everyone to think she was on drugs? And then to find out that her best friend and her boyfriend were sleeping together? Sure, she could have handled it better, but all of that old anger that she used to carry around as a kid resurfaced and came out. She wasn’t proud of herself._

 

_“And to send that picture to Ty?” Santana went on. “Why did you even have it?”_

 

_Kim tried to hide her warm cheeks. She couldn’t tell them the truth. She wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like they, of all people, would hold her being bi and having figured it out with her best friend against her. But she was embarrassed. Maybe because it meant that she had cheated on Ty, too. Maybe she felt stupid for trusting Amanda of all people. She knew it was only a matter of time before it got out. Now that she and Amanda were through as friends. She couldn’t pinpoint why she didn’t want to tell them, but she didn’t. They didn’t need to know everything about her, after all._

 

_“She wanted to get my approval before she sent it to someone,” she said, with some truth. Amanda had sent it to her asking if it looked okay, but she had also known Amanda had been teasing her._

 

_“That…” Brittany gripped the wheel tighter, but didn’t clarify what Amanda was. Neither her wife or daughter needed her to._

 

_“I think we should find someone for you to talk to,” Santana stated, as they pulled into their neighborhood._

 

_“Talk to?” Kim asked._

 

_“Like a therapist,” Brittany said. “I think it’s a good idea. It really helped your Mamí.”_

 

_“I don’t need to see a shrink,” Kimberly huffed. “I need better friends.”_

 

_“We think you do,” Santana argued. “You saw one when you were a kid, remember?”_

 

_“Yeah, we played with Legos.”_

 

_“And talked,” Brittany said. “It really helped you, too. We’ll call around, okay?”_

 

_Kimberly didn’t feel like she had much choice, so she sighed. “Whatever.”_

 

_When they got home, Kimberly went right to her room. She slammed the door shut to show her disapproval of her parents, and she walked into her private bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror, ran her fingers through her perfect hair, and watched the tears start to trickle down her cheeks._

 

_Everyone always prided her on her hair. On how she kept it so beautiful despite being in the chlorine all the time. It became a symbol of herself. But staring at it in the mirror, she hated it. She tied it up into a bun behind her head and went into her room to throw herself onto her bed, and she cried. Her life was over._

 

* * *

 

_Kim walked through the halls of her high school and ignored the jeers sent her way by fellow classmates. By people she had once called friends. Adorned in her new leather jacket, she tried to act like she didn’t care. She didn’t care that they were calling her a loser or a freak. She was above it all._

 

_“Kim! Wait up!”_

 

_She turned and saw Jason jogging up to her side and she gave him a side glance. “Are you sure you want to be seen with me?”_

 

_“Hey, no one’s a fan of me these days,” he said with a shrug. And he was right. Due to an unfortunate school prank gone wrong, Jason was off the football team, and hated by everyone._

 

_The two cast offs._

 

_“This place blows,” Kim sighed._

 

_“Yeah, it does. We could always run away.”_

 

_“You know, if I went anywhere before I graduate my Mamí would hunt me down and drag me back here,” Kimberly pointed out._

 

_Jason laughed. “Yeah, she’d probably make me come back, too.”_

 

_“You’re practically her other child,” Kim said. Jason had been staying with them a lot more recently. Ever since he lost his chance at a football scholarship, his father had been worse than ever._

 

 _They came to a stop at Kim’s locker and both halted and stared at it with open mouths. There was graffiti all over it._ Loser. Freak. Dyke. No one will care if you’re gone. _Kim paled. Hearing those things was one thing, but seeing them there on her locker was another. It was a punch to the gut._

 

_“We’ll...we’ll get someone to clean it,” Jason assured quickly._

 

_Kim shook her head, tears in her eyes that she refused to shed, and she backed away. “I...I…” She couldn’t even speak. She turned and stormed off to the nearest bathroom and locked herself in. Ensuring it was empty, she went to the mirror and stared at herself. The tears streamed down her face again, and that perfect hair hung over her shoulders. It was mocking her._

 

 _Her hair wasn’t perfect._ She _wasn’t perfect. And not even in the endearing way. She was a screw up. Hadn’t she always been? She must have always been. That’s why her birth parents hadn’t loved her enough. That’s why they hadn’t kept her and taken care of her. She wasn’t good enough for any of them._

 

 _She looked down. Someone had left a pair of scissors by the sink, and it felt like some kind of fate to Kim. She picked them up and stared at them for a long time. What did she intend on doing with them? She looked in the mirror again, and as fresh tears fell she saw her moms on either side of her. They were smiling at her, showing her their love and adoration. The same love and adoration they had always shown her. They were strong and beautiful, and she had always wanted to be just like them. Their lives, their story, hadn’t always been easy, but they made it through by being strong. And Kim, god she didn’t feel strong, but she could_ be _strong. She could_ look _strong._

 

_She brought the scissors up and held a handful of her hair, and without pause she cut it off. She dropped the hair into the sink, looked back at her reflection and smiled through her tears, before taking another handful and cutting it off as well._

 

_The entire time she heard a knocking on the door, along with Jason’s voice. “Kim! Kim are you okay?!”_

 

_Was she okay? She was fan-fucking-tastic._

 

_Chop._

 

* * *

 

 

 _“Kimberly Ann Hart! What did you do to your hair?!” Her Mam_ _í cried out, the second she walked in the front door._

 

_“Stop full naming me,” Kimberly said, smiling with her short bob, “It’s just hair. And, I look hot.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Kimberly Ann Ha-”

 

Kim ran down the stairs and came to a stop in front of Santana, who closed her mouth. “Why you always gotta full name me? I’m a grown ass woman.”

 

“A grown ass woman who’s missing Christmas breakfast,” Santana said, eyebrow raised. “The boys are here.”

 

“Oh shit,” Kim raced towards the dining room. “Scott! Hands off my bacon!”

 

“You’re not in here!” He called back with his mouth full.

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone helped clean up from breakfast and the kitchen was filled with laughter and bodies. They all kept bumping into one another, but laughing it off and telling jokes. Kim hung the damp towel on the stove and turned around.

 

“Is it present time?” She asked, excitedly.

 

“Has your food even digested yet?” Santana asked back.

 

“My belly is happy and full and it wants presents.”

 

“And let me guess,” Jason said, crossing his arms with a smirk on his lips. “You want to go first.”

 

“She always wants to go first,” Brittany broke in, bumping hips with her daughter.

 

“Can I help it if I’m the most important person in the room? No.”

 

“I don’t mind Kimberly going first,” Billy said. “I’m excited for her to get our gift.”

 

“See? Billy loves me,” Kim said with a pointed look at Jason.

 

“Alright, alright, everyone in the living room,” Santana said, waving them out.

 

Kim ran. Jason chased after her. Billy chased after him.

 

Kimberly landed on the floor in front of the tree and waited (not so) patiently for everyone else. “Present!” She clapped.

 

“You can have ours first,” Jason told her. He sat beside her and reached under the tree for a medium sized box and handed it to her. “We hope you like it,” he said.

 

“Wait, wait,” Brittany settled in close-by and took out her phone and held it up. “Okay, now you can open.”

 

“Pictures? Really, Mom?” Kim rolled her eyes. She heard the click of a picture go off. She shook her head and tore into the wrapping paper.

 

It was an excellent wrapping job which led her to believe that Billy had wrapped it. Jason was _terrible_ at wrapping presents. (But so was she.) When she got the paper off, she had a plain white box in her hands. She flipped the top open and dug through white tissue paper, and her hands brushed something soft. With a frown, she pulled the item from the box. She held it up and her mouth dropped open. It was a brand new, sleek leather jacket.

 

“You’ve had the same one since high school,” Jason said. “We figured it was time for an upgrade.”

 

“What?” Kim gasped. She looked at him and he had that sweet, charming smile on his lips, and she wanted to cry. She never knew why she held onto her old jacket. She did love it, and it had been through a lot with her, but it was snug and showed its age. The new one that she held in her hands was stylish and simple, and so _her_.

 

“Look in the pocket!” Billy said, already clapping with excitement.

 

Kim reached into each pocket until her hand hit something in one of them. She pulled out something laminated, roughly the size of a business card, and she looked at it. It was a picture of herself and Jason. It had been taken without their knowledge when they were ten or so. They sat across from each other in front of the Christmas tree and held out gifts for one another. They were both grinning.

 

“Turn it around!” Billy called out.

 

With a smile, she did so. There, pasted to the back of the photo, was the smallest note. “Will you be my friend? Check yes or no,” she read aloud. It was in her own messy kid handwriting. The first note she had ever given Jason. She looked up at him. “You kept it all this time?”

 

“Of course,” he said. “It’s not every day you meet a Kimberly Hart and she wants to be your friend. That’s only a copy though, I-oof!”

 

Kim tackled him with a hug. He smiled and hugged her back tightly.

 

“Merry Christmas, Kim,” he said in her ear.

 

“Merry Christmas,” she whispered back. She eventually pulled away and wiped her face. She gave Billy a big grin. “Thank you for my jacket, Billy.”

 

“You’re welcome!”

 

“Babe, did you record all that?” Santana asked in a stage whisper.

 

“Duh,” Brittany replied.

 

Everyone took turns opening their presents. The room was filled with oohs and ahhs and laughter. Kim did not outdo Jason with her present. No way could she top what he had given her. She tried though, and she gave him a miniature foosball table. He loved it.

 

Finally, they had all opened all of their presents. Except for one. Kimberly hadn’t given her moms their gift yet. She got up and dug the present out from the back of the tree where she had stashed it and she walked over to where they sat.

 

“Okay, Mama, Mamí, I should have given you this a long time ago, but it’s never too late. So I hope you like it.” She handed them a flat gift. They both smiled at her as her Mama took it and set it in her lap. She pulled the paper back and unwrapped it. It was the back of a frame. She turned it over and both women peered over it with frowns as they tried to understand what they were looking at. Kim rolled her eyes when they didn’t get it right away. “Guys, come on. It’s the official court document saying that my legal name is Kimberly Ann Pierce-Lopez.” She chewed her lip nervously.

 

Brittany and Santana stared at it quietly for a moment longer, then they both looked up with tears in their eyes. Santana had her mouth open. Brittany was crying.

 

“Baby!” Brittany blubbered. She set the frame down and opened her arms. Kim didn’t waste a moment to fall into them. Her Mama held her in her lap and hugged her fiercely. “You did it!”

 

“I thought it was time,” she replied, hugging her mom’s neck.

 

“You changed your name,” Santana said softly.

 

“Yeah,” Kim replied. “I did.”

 

“I can’t believe….you changed your name…”

 

“Believe it, Mamí.”

 

Santana threw her arms around her daughter and her wife, and the three embraced for a long time. Jason and Billy looked at each other awkwardly.

 

“Jason,” Billy whispered loudly. “I think they’re all crying.”

 

“Yeahhh,” Jason sighed. “Just wait it out.”

 

* * *

 

“Who wants another egg nog?” Santana asked, getting to her feet.

 

“Me!” Kim said quickly. She held up her empty glass to her Mamí.

 

“I’m good,” Jason said with a polite smile.

 

“Here, honey, let me help.” Brittany got up as well and picked up her own and Santana’s glasses.

 

“Aw, thanks, babe.” Santana said with a smile to her wife. They smiled stupidly at each other for a moment before walking out of the room, Santana’s hand to Brittany’s back.

 

“They make me sick,” Kim said with a wrinkled nose.

 

“I think it’s sweet,” Billy put in. He smiled at Jason, who smiled back.

 

“Hey, Kim...how many of those have you had today?” Jason asked.

 

“What? Egg nog? I don’t know. I haven’t been counting. Why?”

 

“I...uh…” He glanced at Billy and raised a brow before finally mouthing ‘go help’ when Billy still didn’t get his message.

 

“Oh. Let me go help them.” He shot to his feet and looked at Jason. “If they’re kissing again when I walk in I’m not staying.”

 

“That’s okay,” Jason told him. Billy nodded and left the room.

 

Kim watched him go then looked at Jason. “What?”

 

“Have you noticed...whenever something’s wrong between you and Trini you, uh, well...you drink a lot?”

 

“Have you noticed I like drinking and I’m legally allowed to?” There was a bit of bite in her tone. “Why are you paying so much attention?”

 

“I don’t have to pay much to notice,” he replied calmly. “It’s becoming your coping mechanism, and it’s really unhealthy.”

 

“You’re not my mother. Or my other mother,” Kimberly said stubbornly. “So back off.”

 

“I’m worried about you,” he continued. “I know...I know that you really care about Trini, and whatever is going on between you two is really getting to you. I just want you to be careful.”

 

Kim shook her head with her eyes raised to the ceiling. “Well, you know, that’s none of your business. Me and Trini, me and drinking...all of it.”

 

“It’s not even 1pm and you’re drunk,” Jason said a bit more firmly.

 

“It’s Christmas. Blame Mamí’s egg nog,” Kim replied. She got off the floor and onto her feet. He followed suit. “Yeah, I’m upset that I haven’t heard from Trini, and I’m upset that she apparently doesn’t want to be with me, and right now I’m _really_ upset that my best friend is trying to be my father, but whether or not I have another eggnog has nothing to do with any of that!” She had her hands on her hips as she glared at him.

 

Jason held his hands up. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

 

“You should be!”

 

“Let’s just enjoy Christmas,” he suggested.

 

“I plan to.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.” She glared at him a moment longer before turning and walking out of the room. She needed a minute away from him. She pulled her phone from her pocket as she walked towards the stairs and looked at it. No new messages. She let out a huff of air.

 

She really should just text Trini. She was playing some kind of game, waiting for Trini to text first, but she should know better than that. Trini would probably never text her again if given the chance. Kimberly slowly walked up the stairs as her heart fell with each step up. Maybe Trini really didn’t want to be with her.

  
She got to her room and sat down on the bed. It felt good to be away from everyone for a little bit. She looked at her phone and brought up the last conversation she’d had with Trini, and she stared at it. What would she even say? ‘Merry Christmas’ felt too empty. ‘Why haven’t you texted me when I left the ball in your court?’ felt too pressured. She whined and flopped back on the bed, arms spread out. “Girls suck,” she muttered to herself.

 

Kimberly ended up dozing off and taking a small nap. When she woke up, she felt disoriented for a moment. She sat up and held up the phone that was still in her hand and looked at it. Still no message. She got up and headed downstairs. She took a peek in the living room and found everyone watching _Elf,_ which happened to be her favorite Christmas movie. Santana and Brittany were cuddled on the couch under a fluffy red blanket, and Jason and Billy were sitting in front of the coffee table holding hands. It made Kim smile a little, but it also made her wish she wasn’t the fifth wheel in her own house. She glared down at her phone. It was stupid.

 

She marched into the kitchen and flung open the drawer under the coffee maker, and she dropped her phone into it before pushing it shut. There. That was better. Maybe if she didn’t constantly have it within her grasp she could enjoy her day a little bit easier.

 

She grabbed a glass and went to the fridge to pull out the egg nog. She could hear Jason’s words in her head, but she pushed them away. She wasn’t using drinking as a coping mechanism. She wasn’t. It was Christmas, and she could do what she wanted. She poured herself a glassful. And if she was, it was her business, not his. She grabbed a handful of Christmas cookies and picked up her glass, and she took both into the living room with her. When Brittany saw her, she grinned and held up her side of the blanket. Kim smiled and sat down beside her. Brittany put an arm around her and Kim leaned into it. So what if she was the fifth wheel? She was still ridiculously happy to be home.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the day was spent watching movies and playing games. Everyone helped make dinner, and they sat at the table long after they had all finished eating. The house was filled with talking and laughter, and Kim loved every minute of it. She only thought about her phone a few times, but Trini herself was in the back of Kim’s mind the whole night. She couldn’t help it.

 

They all cleaned up and Jason and Billy left. Kim curled up with her moms on the couch once more and they watched another movie. Kim fell asleep. She was awoken by a soft kiss to her forehead, and to her Mamí calling her name. She stretched out before getting up, and she started to follow her moms upstairs to go to bed, but she remembered her phone in the kitchen.

 

She turned back to get it, and when she pulled it from the drawer and hit the homescreen she saw she had a text message. And it was from Trini!

 

“Merry Christmas, Princess. I miss you.” Kim murmured the words to herself, and warmth settled over her. Trini missed her! Trini had wished her a Merry Christmas! Kimberly quickly brought up the keyboard to type a reply, but her fingers froze. She didn’t know what to say back. She had so much she wanted to say, so much she needed to say, but she couldn’t. Not over text.

 

She took her phone upstairs with her and thought about it as she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She thought about it as she climbed into bed and turned out the light. And as she lay her head on her pillow she realized that she didn’t _have_ to say anything back at all. Trini had left her hanging for days. Why say anything so quickly? Maybe she could reply in the morning.

 

So Kim put her phone on her bedside table and closed her eyes. Yes, she’d reply in the morning.

 

But she didn’t. In the morning she got to thinking about all that Trini had been putting her through, and though she cared and understood where Trini was coming from, she was upset. She didn’t want to respond. So she didn’t. Not that entire day. Or the next. Or for the whole week. And Trini didn’t try texting again. Kim started to assume she’d just see Trini when she got home, that she could talk to her then, and she stopped checking her phone compulsively. She stopped worrying about not replying to Trini’s text. She enjoyed her time with her moms, and with Jason and Billy popping over every day, and she just relaxed. She deserved it, after all.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a couple hours until midnight, and Kim was in the kitchen with Jason and Brittany, preparing snack bowls and taking out the champagne and sparkling cider. Kim was pouring a bag of chips into a bowl, and talking loudly, when the doorbell rang. She looked up with a frown.

 

“Is someone else coming over?” She asked.

 

“I don’t think so,” Brittany said. She put down the popcorn and wiped her hands on her thighs before walking out of the kitchen.

 

“Think it’s Girl Scouts?” Jason joked.

 

“Wouldn’t that be ama-” Kim was cut off.

 

“Kimmy! It’s for you!” Brittany called out.

 

Kim’s brows furrowed and she walked out of the kitchen and to the front door. She walked around the corner and saw the door open, and standing on the front porch were Zack, Danny, Diego, and Trini. The boys were all grinning. Trini stared at her.

 

“Kim, who’s here?” Santana asked, coming up behind her.

 

“Trini…” Kim said softly, mostly to herself. Was she seeing things? Could Trini really be there?

 

“Trini?!” Brittany repeated loudly.

 

“ _What_?” Jason called from the kitchen.

 

“Trini’s _here_?” Billy shouted from the living room. Both boys rushed into the front room at the same time and everyone stared at the four on the porch.

 

“ _You’re_ Trini?” Santana asked, a hint of protective mama bear in her tone.

 

“No, I’m Zack,” Zack said smartly. He pointed a thumb at the woman on the other side of the twins. “That’s Trini.”

 

“And I’m Diego,” Diego said with a charming smile. He held out a hand. “You must be Kim’s moms.”

 

Brittany looked a little surprised, but she politely shook Diego’s hand. “I’m Brittany. And this is my wife, Santana.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Danny said. “I’m Danny.” He shook Brittany’s hand after his brother did. “We love Kim.”

 

“Yeah! She’s the best!” Zack agreed.

 

Santana chuckled and moved forward to shake all the boys’ hands. “Thank you. We like her, too. Usually.”

 

“Mamí!” Kim rolled her eyes.

 

“Come in!” Brittany said suddenly. “Sorry, come in. Please.”

 

The boys all filed in and stood there awkwardly. Trini stood frozen on the porch.

 

“You guys want some snacks?” Jason asked, glancing at Trini then Kim, then landing on the boys.

 

“Always,” Zack and Diego said at the same time.

 

“C’mon,” Jason led them out of the front room with Billy at his side.

 

Santana and Brittany stood there staring back and forth between Kim and Trini, who were only looking at each other. Finally, Brittany moved forward and took her wife’s elbow.

 

“Let’s go make sure they don’t make a mess.”

 

“They’re grown ass people, they’ll be fine,” Santana dismissed her with a wave of her hand.

 

“Honey,” Brittany said pointedly. Santana looked at her and Brittany raised an eyebrow.

 

“Oh fine!” Santana huffed and let Brittany guide her out of the room. “I raised that child, I should get to witness her awkward moments,” they heard her say on her way out.

 

Kim ignored it and continued to stare at Trini. She couldn’t look anywhere else.

 

“You can come in, you know,” she said finally. Trini dropped her eyes to the ground and stepped inside. Kim closed the door behind her. “Hi.”

 

“Hey,” Trini said softly. She brought her gaze up to meet Kim’s eyes. “Happy New Year.”

 

“You can’t say that yet,” Kim told her.

 

“Oh...right.”

 

They stood there quietly for a bit longer. Kim took a step towards Trini. “What are you doing here?”

 

Trini took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I wanted to see you.” Her hands were shoved in the pouch of her sweatshirt, and her eyes darted around, only landing on Kim’s briefly. “You...never texted me back.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy,” she said, somewhat truthfully. She was trying to be patient, but inside she was bouncing off the walls. It had to mean something that Trini was there, right? And, wow, had she always been so pretty? Just seriously pretty. Her eyes, her lips, her hair...Kim wanted to squish her up in her arms.

 

“Right.”

 

“And...you see me.”

 

“Yeah. Sorry,” Trini said. “Just...give me a minute.” She licked her lips and stared at her feet for a while before looking up at Kim again. “You know, in our house, we never made New Year’s resolutions. We, uh, we made New Year’s wishes. And we’d share them with each other, and over the course of the year we’d try and help each other make them come true.” Trini took a step forward. “The thing is...my wish for next year is...is for you to be my girlfriend. For real. No...holding back, no waiting…” Her head shook and she looked down again. “I want _you_ , Kimberly.”

 

With each word Kimberly’s heart pounded harder and faster in her chest. She could hardly believe what she was hearing. She felt joy and excitement and a tiny bit of fear, but mostly she felt elation. Trini wanted her. Trini wanted her to be her girlfriend. “Really?” Was all she could say. She kicked herself inwardly. “I mean, that’s...your wish?”

 

“My only one,” Trini stated, raising her gaze again. Her brown eyes bore into Kimberly’s.

 

“No games?” Kim asked, taking another step forward. “No...hot and cold?”

 

“I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but I want to try. This whole time you’ve been gone has been...terrible, and all I could think about was that if I hadn’t been so scared and stupid I would have been spending the holidays with you.” Trini took one more step and stopped just inches from Kimberly, her head tilted so she could look into the taller girl’s eyes. “I would have been spending them with...with the girl I...I’m crazy about.”

 

Kim felt tears in her eyes, and it made her feel ridiculous, but those words... They felt amazing to hear. Maybe it was silly, because it wasn’t _the_ word, but they were enough. She didn’t even realize that some of those tears had her hit cheeks until Trini pulled her hands from her sweatshirt and wiped them against Kim’s face, before holding it gently in her soft hands.

 

“Please forgive me, Princess. Be my girlfriend. I want a chance to make you happy, just like you make me.”

 

“And you won’t...freeze me out?”

 

“No. If I start to, you can call me out on it.”

 

Kim nodded, but didn’t say anything.

 

“So...will you be my girlfriend?” Trini looked uncertain and scared.

 

Kim just smiled softly. “Of course, dumbass.” She threw her arms around Trini’s neck and Trini dropped hers to Kim’s waist, and they hugged tightly.

 

“Romantic,” Trini said dryly in her ear.

 

“You’re the romantic one,” Kim told her.

 

“Shut up,” Trini said softly, before tipping her head up and kissing her into silence.

 

Kim grinned into the kiss and returned it. It was slow at first. Their lips moved together with practiced ease, and their bodies pressed tightly together. Then the kiss deepened. Their mouths opened, their tongues met, and they both moaned softly. It had been too long since they had kissed; since they had tasted each other. Trini’s tongue flicked through Kimberly’s mouth, running against her teeth and the roof of it, and Kimberly flipped them around and pressed Trini back against the wall. Trini’s hands roamed up and down Kimberly’s back. Their teeth clashed and they bit and nipped at each other’s lips with the heat of their kisses.

 

“K-Kim...Kim…” Trini pushed a hand between them and broke from Kim’s lips. “Let’s...slow down.”

 

“I thought we weren’t doing that,” Kim whispered hotly against her mouth.

 

“We are in public,” Trini said.

 

Kim whined, but backed up a little. Trini let out a breath. They stared at each other deeply. For several moments no words were exchanged. They looked into each other’s eyes and found all the unspoken love and comfort that rested there between them. They saw the desire behind each other’s gaze, and they both tried to reign in their own. Kim licked her lips.

 

“So...this is real then?” She asked.

 

“It’s real,” Trini confirmed. A small smile spread across her lips. “ _Girlfriend_.”

 

Kim beamed and threw her arms around Trini again. Trini hugged her back again. “Girlfriend,” Kim repeated against Trini’s ear.

 

“I could listen to you say that all night.”

 

“Well, I’m going to, baby,” Kim said softly. “Because you’re not leaving me any time soon.”

 

“No?”

 

“Nuh uh. You’re mine.” Kim kissed Trini on the neck and felt the other woman shiver beneath her lips.

 

“God,” Trini whispered. “All yours.”

 

Kimberly moved so their foreheads were pressed together and she stared at Trini. “I’m crazy about you too, by the way.”

Trini grinned at those words and held Kim tighter. “My girlfriend. Kimberly Ann Pierce-Lopez.”

 

“Sssh,” Kimberly was muffled against Trini’s neck. “They can’t know you knew first.”

 

“Okay, okay. My lips are sealed.”

 

“Except when they’re kissing me.” Kimberly pulled her face from Trini’s neck and leaned down to kiss her softly.

 

“Except that,” Trini amended, after kissing her back. “Let’s go join the countdown so we can start the new year together.”

 

“Mmm, together,” Kim hummed. “I love the sound of that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me comments and let me know what you think, or what might happen next, OR if you think there should be another Trini chapter!


End file.
